


Honey, we’re home?

by FiresideGuitar (Defy_them)



Series: Jumping into the timejump [3]
Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Blood, Canon Compliant, Character Development, Character Study, Dina POV, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, I am completely over this nightmare of a year, Injury, I’m talking over-3k-word-shower-scene slow, Medical stuff, Mild Smut, Missing Scene, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy, Pregnant Sex, Recovery, Romance, This is by far the slowest and softest thing I’ve ever written, and by the slowest, and would you believe that that’s not even the scene that gives this fic its M rating?, anyway, because while these two are very much not okay, so we’re finishing it with wholesome meaningful content dammit, soft, they’re dealing with it the best they can
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:28:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 49,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28193202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Defy_them/pseuds/FiresideGuitar
Summary: The people of Jackson watched them walk through the gates. Dina imagined that some people were looking at her with pity. Some, with regret. Some, with anger.What Dina couldn’t imagine was that a single person was looking at her with understanding. How couldanyoneunderstand?Dina and Ellie arrive in Jackson after the brutal events of Seattle. Here, they attempt to pick up the pieces of their life before moving to the farmhouse.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Series: Jumping into the timejump [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1910350
Comments: 194
Kudos: 257





	1. One hell of a reunion tour

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of my ongoing series, so you know the drill: while I highly recommend that you read the previous stories before diving into this one, I give enough context for it to also work as a stand alone piece.
> 
> For those who are following the series, hi! Thanks for coming back for more. I’m sure the setting of this next fic comes as no surprise…
> 
> Welcome to the days in Jackson before Dina and Ellie moved to the farmhouse
> 
> [M rating for chapter 4]

“They’re back! Open the gate!”

In a weird way, Dina felt like she was about to walk into Jackson for the first time.

Of course, she was brought in unconscious when she had _actually_ first arrived at the small Wyoming settlement, just under five years ago. And since then, she had passed through the western gate countless times on her way back from a patrol, barely sparing the entrance a second glance.

But this time, as she waited for the gate to slowly open enough to permit their entry, she was struck by a sudden sense of awe and trepidation. As Ellie gently pulled her through the gap, Dina felt like she was shucking off a version of her — the one that had accompanied Ellie to Seattle, witnessed her girlfriend do all the nightmarish things she had done there, then turned right back around and carried their sorry and broken asses all the way home.

She knew that version of her would never be welcome in a place like Jackson. She had no qualms with leaving it outside the wall to fend for itself. Honestly? She never wanted to see it again.

Of course, banishing that version left plenty of room for something else to take its place. From one moment to the next, right as the gate boomed shut behind her, Dina found herself reverting to a younger version of herself.

But, much to Dina’s surprise, it jumped straight over the confident young woman that she had been just before Seattle, reaching instead for a Dina who was much, _much_ earlier in her history: a recent teenager who had lost her mother and her sister within the space of a few years; one who was learning to act bold when she needed to, but was still scared of her own shadow; one who had no idea how to handle grief, but for some reason thought that it involved aimlessly wandering the deserts of New Mexico completely alone.

Gone was the Jackson girl who was the first to volunteer for the occasional barn-raising. First on the dance floor at the annual hoedown. First to extend a kind hand and welcome a newcomer to the town. Because there were a lot of people watching their return to Jackson.

 _Way_ too many people.

Curious guards, who had descended from the watchtowers once Ellie and Dina had passed through the gate.

Exasperated daycare workers, who were trying — and failing — to usher wide-eyed children away from her and back to the nearby playground.

Tommy, who had arrived a good ten minutes before the two of them, and was standing by Sweetpea and gently patting the neck of their adopted horse as they approached.

Maria, who had been speaking to Tommy in hushed tones, and now turned to face Ellie and Dina with a look of utter devastation.

The whole town knew who had left for Seattle. It only took a fraction of a second for them to realise who hadn’t made it back.

It also only took a moment for them all to see the baby bump.

Dina’s belly had swollen so much over the past few weeks that there was no point even trying to hide it. After she saw the first few people figure out what had happened, Dina couldn’t bear looking at them. She just stared at Ellie’s back, who had stopped to talk to Maria, instead. But even though she couldn’t see the people of Jackson, Dina’s mind couldn’t stop imagining their reactions.

Dina imagined that some were looking at her with pity. Raising a kid in this world was hard enough as it was. Those with kids themselves were probably combining their experience with their perception of Dina’s situation. Surely, Dina won’t be able to cope with that heavy a burden.

Dina imagined that some were looking at her with regret. Regret on her behalf. How could she have put herself at risk like this? To go with Ellie on what was basically a death mission. To avenge the death of someone she barely even knew. Surely she wouldn’t have done something so stupid if she had known what was at stake. Surely, Dina was remorseful about that decision.

Dina imagined that some were looking at her with anger. Sure, she had come back. But Jesse, the best patrol lead and beloved member of their community, hadn’t. If Ellie had gone alone, maybe Dina could have convinced him to stay behind too. Surely, if Dina hadn’t been so selfish, they would all have been better off.

What Dina couldn’t imagine was that a single person was looking at her with understanding. How could _anyone_ understand?

“ _Dina?_ Dina??? Hey, Dina.”

Well. Except for maybe one person.

Dina felt more than saw Ellie reach down and hold her hands in her own, guiding her fingers to stretch out, then curl into her fist. Dina knew that Ellie had seen her go through the motions of the self-soothing habit by herself before. But this was the first time that Ellie had to help her through the process.

Dina blinked, forcing her eyes to come back into focus. The first thing she saw was Ellie peering into her face, waiting patiently for her to escape her own mind and return to the present. 

“You with me?” Ellie asked gently, speaking like she was trying to not spook a frightened animal.

“Mmhmm.” 

_More or less._

“Too many people?”

“Mmhmm.”

_How did she know? Ellie Williams, oblivious to my years of flirting, suddenly picking up on much more subtle cues? Who are you and what have you done to my girlfriend?_

“C’mon. Maria said we should go get checked at the clinic, but we can do that tomorrow. I think you need some quiet more.” Ellie pulled one hand out of her grasp, lifting it to Dina’s shoulder and lightly rubbing the joint. “Your shoulder hasn’t caused you problems for a while now, right?”

_‘My friend’s problems are my problems’. Shit. This is one problem you can’t help me with, Jesse._

“Yeah it’s settled down. But—”

“I know.”

Ellie was two steps ahead of her again, cutting her off before Dina even had time to look down at her belly. It was obvious that they still needed to go see Anne. The Jackson medic would want to check on her and the baby.

“Besides,” Ellie continued, “what can Anne do? Apart from taking one look at you and saying ‘yup, you’re pregnant’? It can wait.”

Dina rolled her eyes, but knew that Ellie was joking. They had both been stumbling through this whole thing until now. While the baby book that they had found on their way from Seattle was extremely useful, they still needed a lot of help. But Ellie was right — all of that could wait one more day.

There was one more thing though. And, unlike a crash course in everything baby, this couldn’t wait.

“I need to see his parents.”

Dina could tell that that was finally something that Ellie hadn’t expected. She furrowed her brow and looked deep into Dina’s eyes. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. They deserve to hear it from us before someone else.”

\---

Jesse’s mom was the one who opened the door. The instant she saw Dina and Ellie standing on her front porch, Dina could see in her eyes that she knew what had happened. But when Jesse’s dad appeared at her elbow, he had looked hopefully behind the two of them. It was only when Dina wordlessly shook her head that his face fell to match his wife’s.

There was no body, of course. But they agreed to Dina’s proposal of having a ceremony for him the next day. And then they noticed the bump poking out from under Dina’s shirt.

It was at that point that Dina had to usher the couple inside, guiding them to sit on their couch before they completely broke down. Dina barely managed to decline the teary couple’s offer to join them, citing their need to wash off weeks of travel first.

Before they left, Ellie showed Jesse’s mom and dad the sketch she had done after they had buried him near the theatre. She carefully tore the page out from her journal and gave it to them. Then, Ellie and Dina had left the two parents alone to process the unfathomable grief of losing their son.

\---

No one locked their doors in Jackson, of course. The practical reason was that most houses simply didn’t have working locks. And, for the few that still worked, the keys for them had long since disappeared. It was no wonder that one of the first things that Eugene had taught Dina was how to pick locks: half of his call-outs were for people who had accidentally locked themselves out of their own homes.

But there was also a far simpler reason: Jackson was a community. A family _._ There was never any _need_ for anyone to lock their doors.

And yet, Ellie was currently standing in front of her own home, acting like it was an impenetrable fortress.

They had made it as far as the street outside Joel’s house without issue. But then, even though Ellie had steadfastly averted her eyes as they walked down the narrow path that ran along the side of his house...once they reached her front door, she was shaking. Badly.

Dina took Ellie’s trembling hand in her own and sandwiched it between her soft, warm palms. The calluses on Ellie’s fingers were rough against her skin as Ellie continued to shiver, but Dina just held on even tighter.

“Hey. How about we go to my place instead?” Dina suggested quietly.

“That’s dumb. We’re right here,” Ellie replied, not tearing her eyes away from her front door. She still didn’t make any move to open it.

Dina tugged on Ellie’s hand, gently pulling her away from the door. “Let’s go.”

\---

The distance between Ellie’s place and hers was one that they had covered hundreds of times as carefree teenagers. They usually filled the time with dumb jokes and lighthearted banter.

Usually.

“You alright?”

Dina had been staring at the road in an attempt to ignore the various onlookers as they passed by. The unusual focus of her attention also made her realise that soon she wouldn’t be able to see her own feet. She was craning her neck to catch a glimpse of them past her ever-growing belly when Ellie’s question cut through her thoughts. “I feel like _I_ should be asking _you_ that.”

Ellie snorted. “I know that I don’t act like it sometimes. But...I know that I don’t have a monopoly on fucked-up backstories.”

The frank response caught Dina off-guard. She misstepped and the front of her boot got caught on her heel. If Ellie hadn’t been holding her hand, she probably would have fallen face-first into the ground. But Ellie reacted quickly, tightening her grip with one hand and swiftly bringing up the other to Dina’s chest to stop her tipping forward. She held Dina upright as her feet caught up with the rest of her body.

The whole series of actions only took a second, and Ellie kept walking next to Dina without breaking her stride. But now her head was turned to the side, watching Dina with that curious, focused look of hers.

“Did _someone_ just forget how top-heavy they are these days?” Ellie asked with a raised eyebrow.

Dina pressed her lips together in a mirthless smile. “Maybe. But you have to warn me before you say shit like that.”

“Sorry.”

The apology was brief, but honest.

Dina sighed and looked down at their linked hands. She ran her thumb along Ellie’s knuckles a couple of times before looking back up at her. “What did you mean?”

Ellie used her free hand to scratch at her chin. She had a contemplative look on her face, and took a few seconds to respond. “Back at the gate...that was a lot. I’m sorry. I was too focused on talking to Maria — she was still pretty freaked out over seeing Tommy like that — to see what was happening to you.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “It...it reminded me of how you were when I first met you. I haven’t seen you like that for ages. It was a bit of a surprise.”

Dina nodded her understanding. Even she was alarmed at how easily she had regressed to her younger self. She loved Jackson, but evidently, living there for almost five years wasn’t enough to settle that side of her.

“I was wondering—” Ellie started, but stopped herself mid-sentence. “—actually, nevermind.”

It was Dina’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “You can’t just say something like that and expect me to _not_ want to know the rest of it.”

Ellie smirked. “Alright, fine.” After a moment, she held her hands out, miming a set of scales in the air in front of her. “Okay, so...fill an old church with string lights, sweaty people and country music, and you’re the first one on the dance floor,” she started, waving her left hand around for emphasis.

“But...bring a slightly-larger-than-expected welcoming committee to the gate, and you’re suddenly allergic to people,” Ellie continued, this time acting like there was a heavy weight in her right hand that was dragging it down. “Maybe I’m missing something fucking obvious here, but...why do some crowds get to you, while others don’t?”

Dina twisted her lips together in thought. It wasn’t a question she was expecting, but it was a fair one. She just didn’t really know how to answer it.

“Uh…”

“See? Forget I said anything.”

“No it’s just...give me some time to think about it?”

They had reached a crossroad. Someone who Dina didn’t recognise was approaching on horseback from the other direction, so they stopped and waited for them to pass by. Once the intersection was clear, they crossed and continued walking. 

“Was that enough time?”

Dina gave Ellie’s shoulder a light swat in response.

“Alright, alright.”

They took a few more steps, then Ellie stopped again.

“How about now?”

“Fuck you,” Dina said with a laugh.

“Fuck me.”

Dina blinked. She hadn’t heard that one in a while. She shook her head, which only made Ellie’s shit-eating grin grow even wider.

“Come on stupid,” Dina said affectionately, and they resumed walking down the road together.

\---

Eventually, they reached the familiar sight of Dina’s house. Dina pulled Ellie up the steps by their linked hands — she hadn’t let go the whole way — and they were faced with yet another front door.

Here, Dina didn’t hesitate. She pushed the door open, letting out a gust of the signature stale air from a house left in disuse for several months. She lifted her hand off the door handle and raised it to the _mezuzah_ nailed to the doorpost on her right.

She had Eugene to thank for that. Well, Eugene and Joel.

A few days after Dina had arrived in Jackson and had been assigned to her house, Eugene had shown up at her door. She had thanked him profusely for the photographs from her mom’s camera that he had printed for her. It was at that point that he had pulled out a handful of carefully rolled-up _k’lafs._

He explained that he had realised that she was a fellow Jew when he saw the photo of her sister’s _bat mitzvah._ After that, he had set to work copying out the passages from his own copy of the Torah. He had apologised for not being a qualified scribe, and for the empty camera film canisters that he had brought to use as vessels.

Dina vaguely remembered her mom doing something similar when they lived in the compound controlled by the Ravens. Her family were survivors. A long time ago, Dina had learned that they often just made do with whatever was available to them. So, of course, Dina had accepted the small scrolls and makeshift casings with tearful gratitude.

Dina brushed her fingers against the familiar carvings on the surface of the wooden vessel. This was where Joel had come in.

Dina had known about Joel’s woodworking hobby for a while, but it took a few years for her to work up the courage to ask if he could make some wooden casings for her. She remembered going to his hobby room one afternoon and sketching a _Shin_ for him to replicate in the piece of wood.

The _mezuzah_ on the front door was the first one Joel had made. There was another at the entrance to her bedroom. But there were a few doorposts in her house that still had the film canisters nailed to them. Somewhere in Joel’s hobby room were the rest of the wooden blocks that he had set aside for the project. He hadn’t finished them before he...well, before.

Dina went to enter her house, but felt resistance from the hand that was still holding Ellie’s. She glanced over her shoulder and realised that Ellie was staring at the doorpost _._

“Did...did Joel make that?”

“Yeah,” Dina breathed, stepping back out onto her front porch to be closer to her.

“How did I not notice it before?” Ellie muttered, shaking her head. “Can I?”

Dina nodded and raised their linked hands to the _mezuzah,_ twisting her wrist so that Ellie’s fingers rested on it as Dina pulled her own hand away. Ellie closed her eyes and breathed deeply, lightly tracing the carving with her fingernail.

After a few seconds, she opened her eyes and looked at Dina. The corner of her mouth quirked up in a small smile. At the same time, a single tear dripped down her cheek, clearing a trail through the dirt there. Neither of them made a move to wipe it away.

“Come on. Let’s go get cleaned up,” Dina murmured. She took her backpack off and dumped it near the door, motioning for Ellie to do the same before reclaiming her hand and leading her upstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [This photoset](https://yourcandleonthewater.tumblr.com/post/634620688312025088/fiireflies-mimixdinellie-requested-for-me) from Tumblr user [angelknive](https://angelknive.tumblr.com/) inspired me to think about the things that Dina would have had around her house. I’m trying to balance Dina’s faith with the reality of a post-apocalypse world, and how that means that sometimes, rules/traditions might have to be tweaked. However, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not Jewish so do please let me know if I’ve gotten something wrong here.  
> \--  
> In a rare moment of self-control, I have actually managed to pre-write a lot of this. I’ll be posting 2-3 chapters per week until it’s finished. As usual, comments and kudos are always appreciated :)


	2. Splish splash

Dina drew back the shower curtain and turned on the faucet. They stripped while they waited for the water to warm up, Ellie helping Dina with her shirt to avoid aggravating her shoulder. The wound from that Scar kid’s arrow had closed up weeks ago, but the underlying muscle was still sore and prone to flare-ups. She flexed experimentally, nodding as Ellie carefully pulled the other sleeve down her arm. Then they stepped into the tub and closed the curtain behind them.

“This is so fucking overdue,” Ellie said, sighing contentedly as she stepped under the spray.

“Agreed. I’m pretty sure I dreamed of a hot shower every night for the past month,” Dina replied as she reached for a jar on the ledge of the bathtub. She unscrewed the lid and scooped out a generous handful of the smooth liquid inside.

Dina never had much use for shampoo; her thick wavy hair always needed moisture more, so she mostly maintained it with copious amounts of conditioner and post-shower oils.

But then Ellie started staying over at her place more and more. Eventually, Dina got a jar of shampoo from Gale at the trading store and kept it in the shower for her. And, she had to admit, it did come in handy on other occasions. Like after patrols featuring particularly gory encounters with some infected. Or like now, when they were caked with grime from weeks of travel without a proper wash.

Ellie stepped back so there was room for her under the showerhead. Dina moved forward, smiling as the warm water soaked her upper body. But when she raised the handful of shampoo to Ellie’s hair, her shoulder twinged and her face twisted into a grimace.

“Hey hey. Easy,” Ellie breathed, catching her arm and lowering it slowly. Ellie cupped her hand next to Dina’s thigh, catching the shampoo as it dripped from her fingers. With her other hand, she reached out to Dina’s shoulder and massaged the tense muscle.

After a few seconds, Dina’s shoulder settled down and her face relaxed. “Thanks,” she said quietly, turning her head to the side to brush a kiss against Ellie’s knuckles.

Ellie lifted her hand off Dina’s shoulder, taking a moment to gently caress her cheek before moving it to join the other hand already tangled in her own hair. She moaned with pleasure as she worked the shampoo into her scalp.

Next, Ellie reached for the open jar behind them. “Head down,” she murmured as she scooped out some more shampoo.

Dina moved her head out from under the flow of water and dropped her gaze to their feet. It wasn’t long before she groaned, echoing Ellie’s earlier sentiment as her girlfriend’s fingers sluiced the accumulated filth from her head. She watched as the water running down her legs went from clear, to murky brown, then eventually back to clear again.

“There goes three states’ worth of dirt,” Dina commented as she lifted her eyes to Ellie.

Ellie smiled. “Should we have kept some? Like as a fucked-up kinda souvenir?”

Dina pointed to the drain between them. “After you.”

Ellie laughed — one of those uninhibited, carefree belly-laughs that Dina hadn’t heard for a long time — before leaning in and kissing Dina on the nose. “Maybe next time.”

Dina froze.

_Surely Ellie isn’t thinking of going back out there...we talked about this just outside of Jackson, what the fuck???_

Ellie must have seen the sudden panic in Dina’s eyes, because she quickly raised her hands, palms facing Dina. “Fuck, not like that! I meant what we talked about ages ago,” she said, words rushing out of her like a flood. “Like, going back to Seattle. Going to visit Jesse.” Ellie kept one hand lifted, but moved the other to rest against Dina’s belly. “Taking this one to visit their dad when they’re older. _Much_ older.”

“Oh,” Dina replied, lowering her gaze again. “Sorry. I guess I’m still a bit...unsettled.” But Ellie placed a finger under her chin, gently tilting it up so their eyes met.

“It’s okay,” she said with a smile, waiting patiently until Dina was ready. “Rinse?”

Dina nodded, stepping back so her head was under the flow of water again. She kept her arms by her sides as Ellie gently coaxed the sudsy shampoo out of her thick locks, then she moved out of the way for Ellie to do the same with her own.

Ellie stayed under the warm spray as she started the same process with the larger jar of conditioner. While it was soaking into their hair, Dina collected her soap bar from its dish. Ellie had made a move for it at the same time, but Dina held it away from her.

“This one I can do,” Dina said as she worked the bar into a lather between her fingers.

Ellie ducked her head in acknowledgement, sighing as the steamy air filled with the smell of lavender. “Fuck. I had forgotten how much I loved that smell.”

Dina smiled. She remembered Maria telling her about establishing the settlement with her father. Back then, they had started with basic, fast-growing survival crops — things like potatoes, beans, onions and carrots. Then, they had gradually built up their farming capacity with grains and fruit orchards. By the time Dina arrived in Jackson, they had the expertise and resources to grow temperamental herbs and useful flowers, including the lavender in her soap.

Ellie stepped away from the flow of water again as Dina pressed the bar against her skin. She ran it along Ellie’s body, her other hand following along behind it to help shift any stubborn dirt that remained.

Once Ellie’s front was thoroughly lathered, Dina nudged her side, signalling for her to turn and face the wall. At this point, Dina switched to leading with her free hand, mindful of the numerous scars scattered across Ellie’s back. During their journey home, she had recovered from most of her laundry-list of injuries from Seattle, but some of the deeper cuts were still scabbed over. Dina moved the bar around those with care, not wanting soap to enter and irritate the still-healing skin.

When she was finished, Dina pressed a kiss into Ellie’s shoulder blade. “All done,” she murmured, her breath forming a bubble in the soap that had coated her lips.

Ellie turned back and smiled at the sight. She reached out and popped the bubble with a delicate finger, giving Dina’s nose a light tap before dropping her hand to her side.

“Close your eyes,” Dina said as she returned the soap to its dish. Ellie complied, crouching slightly so Dina wouldn’t have to raise her arms much.

Dina used the residual suds on her hands to lightly wash Ellie’s face. The trail left by her earlier tear quickly disappeared under Dina’s gentle touch.

Abby’s fists had not been kind to Dina’s favourite face in the whole world. Dina took her time, cataloguing the new scars that emerged as the dirt lifted. The most noticeable was above her upper lip — it was triangular and indented, and had a darker tint compared to the surrounding skin. Dina knew from experience that a scar like that would take a long time to fade.

There was also a thin white line near Ellie’s left eyebrow, balancing out the old scar that slashed through the other one. But unlike its twin, this new scar ran in parallel with her eyebrow, just underneath the lowest hair follicles. After the fight at the theatre, when Dina had assessed the damage, she remembered being glad that this injury hadn’t called for stitches. Its position was awkward, and doing anything that close to an eye was always risky.

Tommy’s situation was an unfortunate example of that. Their initial judgement of the bullet wound in his face had turned out to be too optimistic — a few days into their journey home, the swelling in his cheek had finally settled down enough to reveal the extensive damage. It was at that point that they had realised that he would never see out of it again.

Dina was pulled out of her thoughts by the feeling of soft lips against her skin. Ellie’s eyes were still closed, but she had turned her head slightly to kiss her girlfriend’s wrist. Dina let herself indulge in the sensation for a moment. Then, she pulled her hands away from Ellie’s face, moving them to cup her elbows instead, and pulled her back under the spray of water.

Ellie kept her eyes squeezed shut as the conditioner was rinsed from her hair and the soap from her body. Then she opened them, blinking away stray droplets of water as she reached for the soap.

“Your turn, stinky,” she said with a light chuckle, her hands working the bar up into a lather again.

Dina smiled. “Better or worse than a hot pile of garbage?”

“Oh worse. _So much_ worse.” Ellie leaned forward, wrinkling her nose as she inhaled deeply. “Liiiike...if a hot pile of garbage fucked one of those shamblers from the subway.”

“Charming.”

Ellie ducked her head in a mock bow, then returned her attention to the task at hand. As she moved the soap across Dina’s skin, Dina could tell that she was also taking stock of her new battle wounds. And, sure enough —

“Not that it’s a competition, but...you’re miles ahead of me on scar count,” Ellie said quietly. The bar glided across the consequence of Dina’s one attempt at skateboarding.

Dina sighed. “I’m glad it’s not...that would be one competition that no one should win.”

Ellie hummed her agreement as she carefully maneuvered around the arrow wound in her shoulder. Her hands followed the trail of suds sliding between Dina’s breasts, giving them a quick scrub before moving lower.

“Did you know that they used to cut babies out of people? Like through their stomach?” Ellie asked lightly as she moved her hands in circles across Dina’s swollen belly. But then she frowned. “Uh, I didn’t phrase that well. It was an option, I mean. It wasn’t just only…” she trailed off, waving vaguely beneath her waist.

Dina nodded anyway. “I know, yeah. The book said they were called, um...caesareans, I think?” She resisted the temptation to scratch at her head, not wanting to test her arrow wound again so soon. She settled on giving a one-shouldered shrug.

“Some people needed one for a complicated birth,” Dina added, not missing the way Ellie flinched when she said that. But she continued quietly. “Others did it by choice because they wanted to avoid the pain…” Like Ellie, she trailed off and mirrored the same gesture.

Dina winced briefly at the thought of what she would be going through in a few months. Anne and her team at the Jackson clinic had undoubtedly saved many lives, but the equipment and supplies available made that kind of surgery far out of reach.

_This thing will either come out of me the way that nature intended, or it’ll take me out with it._

Ellie’s finger absent-mindedly drew a horizontal line across Dina’s pelvis, breaking her out of that dark train of thought.

“That’s how Joel’s daughter was born...Sarah was a...a complicated birth. They tried doing that, but her mom still didn’t make it.”

Evidently, Ellie was thinking of the same thing anyway.

She continued staring at Dina’s belly, her finger now drawing gentle circles instead. As Ellie was still partly under the showerhead, rivulets of water ran from her fingertip onto Dina’s skin. They watched as the stream created several trails through the suds on her stomach.

“I don’t know why Joel told me that. I think it was her birthday, and he’d had too much to drink…” Ellie stopped talking, pulling her hand back before she washed all of the soap away.

You—you’ll be okay, right?” Ellie asked, her voice timid as she finally looked up at Dina. Her eyes were wide and earnest. “I don’t want to...I can’t...lose you.”

Dina sucked in a breath at the familiar words. It was basically routine now, so she could concentrate on channeling all her feelings and love into her response. “Good,” she said with a smile. “I’ll be okay, Ellie. Just...just think of what we’ve been through already. If this isn’t a womb of steel, I don’t know what is.”

Dina curled her fingers into fists, coordinating her movements so that she ‘knocked’ on her belly at the same time that she knocked on the exposed copper pipes that carried water to her showerhead.

The corner of Ellie’s mouth quirked up into a smile as the metallic clanging noise echoed around them. “You’re weird,” she said after the sound had faded.

“I am aware,” Dina replied simply, then turned so Ellie could clean her back.

Ellie was again careful with the arrow wound in her shoulder blade. Dina could only hope that this one was faring better than its counterpart in her chest, which was healing into a pretty jagged scar. “I guess scars are our souvenirs,” she muttered.

“What?”

Maybe Ellie hadn’t heard her over the running water. Dina turned to face her again and repeated her comment.

Ellie stayed quiet for a moment. “Now _that’s_ a fucked-up souvenir.”

“Just wanted you to know that you don’t have a monopoly on saying unsettling things,” Dina replied, but there was no heat in her voice.

Ellie cocked her head to the side. “Fair enough,” she said, then paused. “If we’re going to be fucked-up, might as well be fucked-up together.”

Dina frowned. She had expected Ellie to laugh it off, or come up with some dumb joke in response. She knew that Ellie was trying to be less secretive around her, but hollow acceptance of everything she was saying felt like a swing too far in the other direction.

But then Ellie lifted a hand to Dina’s face, using her thumb to gently smooth out the creases in her forehead. Dina knew that she had a round scar there, courtesy of Abby generously introducing her face to a plywood board. That, as well as the marks on her cheek and the bridge of her nose acquired during the same fight, had taken forever to heal.

“Back to that competition though…” Ellie started thoughtfully, her eyes silently moving between the new scars that marred Dina’s face. “Chicks _do_ dig badass scars.” She gave Dina a grin. “Should I be worried?”

_There’s my girl._

Dina leaned forward, capturing Ellie’s lips in a gentle kiss. “Luckily, this badass only has eyes for you,” she murmured when they eventually parted.

Ellie took advantage of their closeness to finish washing Dina’s face before guiding her back under the showerhead. Dina tilted her head up, revelling in the sensation of the warm water hitting her closed eyelids as her body got a thorough rinse.

As Dina leaned down to shut off the water, Ellie reached past the shower curtain to grab their towels. The air was already starting to cool without the constant supply of steam, and Dina felt a shiver coming on just before Ellie draped a towel around her shoulders. She rubbed Dina’s arms through the material, then waited for her to wrap herself up in the fluffy folds before pulling back the shower curtain.

Ellie stepped out first, then turned and gave Dina a hand so she wouldn’t slip. They stood sharing a bath mat as Ellie towelled herself off.

Dina, who preferred to drip dry when she had the time, gave her a light kiss when she was done. Ellie bent down to pick up the dirty clothes they had left on the floor.

“Leave them,” Dina said, wrinkling her nose. “I was thinking of just burning the whole lot.”

Ellie laughed lightly, but fished around in the pile anyway until she located her light blue button-up shirt — the one that she had cut the sleeves off. “I think this one’s still got some life left in it. Maybe for when I’m doing gardening or something…” she said, trailing off as she fiddled with a button on one of the chest pockets.

“Okay, but it definitely needs a wash. Maybe leave it soaking in the laundry sink?” Dina suggested. “We can deal with it tomorrow.”

Ellie nodded, taking the shirt with her as she ducked out of the bathroom.

\---

Of course, there had been cracked and dusty mirrors in several of the houses that they had stayed in during their journey home. And on the few occasions that they did wash up in a stream or lake, she did catch glimpses of herself in the reflection of the water. But here, where Dina was finally clean and safe, she could afford to take stock of what the Seattle trip had done to her body.

Dina loosened her towel, letting it fall to her feet as she turned to face the vanity. After wiping the fogged-up mirror above the sink, she took the first proper look at herself in several months.

Besides the new scars, her face looked largely the same. Same eyes, same nose, same mouth, same ears. There were shadows under her eyes, but they were subtle — no doubt, they would be gone after a good night’s sleep.

Her hair was longer though. She twisted the curling ends around her finger absent-mindedly. Briefly, she toyed with the idea of pulling the damp strands together into a loose plait, like her sister used to wear hers.

Unfortunately, all of Dina’s fond associations with that hairstyle had been soured by her more recent memories.

Dina’s hands gripped the edge of the sink as the vision of Ellie trapped under Abby slunk to the front of her mind. Dina remembered that day in the theatre well. When she pushed through her nausea and weakness to investigate a sudden commotion, she certainly hadn’t expected to find her girlfriend being mercilessly pummelled into the ground by the very woman they had come to find.

That theatre had been as much of a safe space as they could have hoped for in that horrible city. And it only took a moment for that illusion of safety to be completely torn apart.

Dina felt her heart start to beat faster. She forced herself to take deep breaths, concentrating on the feeling of the smooth, cool porcelain under her fingers in an attempt to calm herself down.

_I’m safe. I’m okay. I’m home._

It took her a minute of saying those words over and over in her mind, but eventually the memory faded and Dina could settle. She pulled a spare towel from the shelf above the toilet, twisting her hair up in it so it could sit comfortably on her head. She would oil and tie it back in a less emotionally-charged hairstyle later.

With her hair off her shoulders, Dina had a clear view of her arrow wounds. She carefully twisted her torso to examine her back. As she had suspected, the wound there was well on its way to healing into a fairly simple scar.

She turned to face the front again, pursing her lips as she evaluated the hole in her chest. The puckered skin where the arrow had sought its escape from her body was far messier, but at least it was healing about as well as it could be, all things considered.

Dina remembered being almost delirious with pain when she had woken up after the fight. She still had no idea how Ellie managed to do all of those stitches while comforting her _and_ tolerating all of her own injuries.

Dina shivered, but not from the cold. She needed to stop dwelling on those memories. _I’m home,_ she repeated to herself firmly.

When she turned back to face the mirror directly, her protruding belly bumped against the edge of the sink. She looked down with a smile.

Now here was, by far, the most dramatic change to her body. She ran her hands down either side of her stomach, noting how different her skin felt as her fingers passed over the recently-formed stretch marks.

_‘You’re going to look like a fucking planet pretty soon.’_

Dina chuckled to herself as Ellie’s recent words came to her. She was already reaching that point, and she still had so far to go. She rubbed her belly gently.

_Although...this planet hasn’t shown any signs of intelligent life so far._

She knew it was still early days, but she was still worried about how the baby had coped with their journey home. It hadn’t exactly been the smoothest ride. If there was some way that it could give a sign that it was okay…

It was just one of the many things that Dina was going to ask about during their clinic visit tomorrow.

She sighed and crouched to retrieve her towel from the floor. There was no point getting herself worked up about that right now.

_Whatever happens tomorrow, happens._

Dina nodded to herself as she pulled the towel around her again, tucking the corner under her armpit into the lower layer of her towel so it stayed in place. Then she spun on her heel and left the bathroom.


	3. Do you know how a lock works?

Dina stepped out into the hallway, accompanied by all of the remaining steam in the bathroom. She was still comfortable despite only wearing a towel. Her house was well-insulated thanks to the bitter Jackson winters that it had been built for. Unlike Ellie’s converted garage, which was cosy but had a slight draft in the colder months, Dina’s house was always warm.

Dina ducked into her room, surprised to find it empty. She was about to call out for her girlfriend when she heard a quiet humming coming from elsewhere in the house. She returned to the hallway to be closer to the sound. She could hear Ellie running through a few notes, pausing, then repeating the same ones again. Dina smiled and followed the noise, which led her down the stairs and into her living room.

Ellie was curled up on the couch, facing away from the entrance to the room. Her journal was out and open on her knees. She was using the eraser end of her pencil to tap out a rhythm against her cheek in time with her humming.

Like Dina, she was still just in a towel. But unlike Dina, Ellie hadn’t done anything with her hair since their shower. The wet strands were loose and dripping water onto her skin, running down her shoulders until they absorbed into her towel. At that moment, those shoulders perked up, and Ellie went quiet so she could scribble something in her journal. Then she started humming again.

Dina sought out a creaky floorboard with her bare feet. It was a reliable way of alerting Ellie to her presence without startling her. Sure enough, Ellie stopped humming, but her body language stayed relaxed as she turned to greet her.

“Hey,” Dina said softly.

“Hey,” Ellie replied with an apologetic smile. She waved her pencil at the journal in her lap. “I just thought of some good lyrics. You can’t control the muse, and all that,” she explained with a shrug.

“That’s okay. Can I keep you company?”

Ellie nodded, then returned to her journal. Dina went to the front door where they had dumped their backpacks and pulled out the baby book they had found on their way back from Seattle. She returned to the living room, circling the couch and sinking into the cushions at the other end. She lifted her legs up from the floor and stretched out on the length of couch between them. 

Dina glanced at Ellie, who had turned to a new page of her journal and was starting to sketch something. She watched her add a few confident strokes to the page, the spaced-out look on her face signalling that Ellie was drawing something from memory. Dina scooted closer to Ellie’s side of the couch and tucked her toes under Ellie’s thighs.

“Your feet are cold,” Ellie murmured without looking away from her drawing.

“Sorry,” Dina said with a slight pout. She went to pull her feet back, but was stopped by a hand cupping her calf.

“Just observing, not complaining,” Ellie added quietly, and gently tugged on her leg. “Come back.”

Dina smiled and wiggled her toes back into their earlier position as Ellie pulled the blanket draped on the back of the couch over them. She sighed contentedly, snuggling into the generous folds of warm wool that covered both of their laps. Ellie pulled her journal out from under the blanket to continue sketching, and Dina did the same with the baby book to start reading.

Dina fanned the pages, looking for the small silver coin she was using as a bookmark. Eventually it slipped out from a page somewhere in the middle and fell into her lap. As far as bookmarks went, it wasn’t the best item for the job, but Dina liked having something to occupy her hands with as she read.

No one used old world money anymore. Now, they were mainly curiosities — things that she often came across while scavenging, but didn’t pay much attention to. Coins had survived far better from years of disuse compared to the paper bills that everyone used to carry with them. But, as the bank vault they found back in Seattle would attest, there was still plenty of both lying around.

She retrieved the coin from her lap, rolling it backwards and forwards between her thumb and pointer finger as she turned to the book’s table of contents.

As Ellie’s carving on the tree outside of Jackson would attest, Dina was in the sixteenth week of her pregnancy. Accordingly, she turned to the start of _‘Chapter 10: The fifth month’._ She had read most of the book already during their journey home, but found it was a useful exercise to revisit the month-by-month chapters as they became more relevant.

In addition to diagrams of the baby’s progress, concerns to be aware of, and a Q&A section with questions from expectant mothers, each chapter also featured an _‘All About’_ section, which gave detailed insights into a certain aspect of the whole process.

She hadn’t paid much attention to the previous month’s section: _‘All About Exercise During Pregnancy’._ If anything, she could have done with _less_ of that on their crazy journey back to Jackson. But she did a double-take — and stopped fidgeting with the coin in her hand — when she saw the topic for this one: _‘All About Sex and the Pregnant Woman’._

Dina glanced at Ellie over the top of the book. The memory of her body during their shower surfaced in her mind. Before they had stepped into that bathtub, they had been so filthy that their only desire had been for cleanliness. But now, Dina thought about that shared shower with a very different sort of desire.

Dina returned her attention to the book, perusing the pages with considerably heightened interest. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes at the way that ‘he’ was always used to refer to the partner — clearly, the author had never considered that their audience would include other sorts of couples — and read on.

_‘In the first trimester, many women find that their libidos take a nosedive, plummeting promptly as soon as pregnancy hormones kick in. And that slowdown in sexual interest should come as no shocker. After all, fatigue, nausea, vomiting, and painfully tender nipples don’t make great sex partners.’_

Dina smirked at the accuracy. When she was throwing up in every other trash can between Seattle and Kennewick, any sort of intimacy had been the last thing on her mind. She continued reading.

_‘Interest often — though not always — picks up during the second trimester, when early pregnancy symptoms have subsided and there’s more energy to put into lovemaking.’_

Dina couldn’t help but agree with this one too. She had given up trying to predict the way her hormones affected her mood at this point, but it was definitely leaning towards ‘incredible horniness’ as of late.

Dina continued to fidget with the coin in her hand as she subtly shifted her position on the couch. It was getting increasingly difficult to ignore the growing pool of heat that had settled low in her belly. What certainly didn’t help was when she turned to the next page: it had several diagrams showing some rather _…_ interesting positions for couples to try.

_That’s enough._

Dina shut the book with a snap. She rolled her coin along its cover in an attempt to stop the warmth rising in her cheeks. After a few deep breaths, her heart rate was still slightly elevated, but she had managed to settle down somewhat.

She risked a glance up at Ellie to see whether she had noticed. Thankfully, Ellie seemed to be off in her own musings; she was staring off to the side, her fingers absent-mindedly tracing the outline of her tattoo. But she must have seen Dina looking up in her peripheral vision, because she slowly brought her eyes into focus and turned her head towards the front.

Ellie looked down at her journal briefly, nodding to herself before closing it gently, leaving her pencil wedged between the pages. When she finally directed her attention to Dina, she had a thoughtful look on her face.

Dina didn’t trust herself to carry a conversation right now. Her heart was still fluttering, and she just knew that her voice would betray her earlier thoughts if she spoke for long. Instead, she held up the coin in her hand, rubbing it with her finger so it caught the light as the angle changed. “Penny for your thoughts?”

Ellie squinted slightly. “I think that’s a dime.”

Dina peered closely at the coin. It was badly tarnished, and the engraving had been heavily worn off, but she could still make out the words proving that Ellie was right. “Alright,” she said with a shrug. “Ten thoughts then.”

“Ten?!” Ellie exclaimed in protest. “Fuck me, I’m definitely going to lose count.”

Dina tucked the coin back into her book, leaning over to place it on the coffee table. Then, she scooted closer to Ellie’s side of the couch and held up her outstretched hands, palms facing Ellie. “You’ve got ten of these for a reason,” she replied as she wiggled her fingers.

Ellie huffed and looked down at her own fingers, wiggling them like Dina had. Then, she turned one hand over and drummed her fingertips on the cover of her journal. She curled the other into a fist and rested her chin on it, leaning her elbow on her knee to take the weight of her head. 

“But I like listening to _your_ thoughts so much more.”

Dina grinned. “You’re such a sap.”

Ellie stayed quiet, clearly not planning on indulging Dina’s request. Dina watched Ellie’s fingers continue to tap out a muffled beat on the worn cover of her journal. It was hard to imagine that those fingers belonged to the hand that, barely an hour ago, had been shaking so badly that it couldn’t even open a door.

Suddenly, Dina had an idea.

“Do you know how a lock works?”

The corner of Ellie’s mouth quirked up in a smile and she shook her head.

Dina moved even closer to Ellie, to the point where their knees were touching under the blanket. She reached for the hand that she had been watching. “You’re the lock.”

“I’m the lock,” Ellie repeated, releasing the tension in her hand so it would be pliant under Dina’s touch. She gently pressed on Ellie’s palm so it was flat against her journal with her fingers pressed together.

“Your fingernails? They’re what’s called the sheer line.”

Ellie nodded her understanding.

“Normally the sheer line is all out of alignment, like this,” Dina continued, skipping Ellie’s thumb as she lightly tapped her nails. “When they’re like that, the mechanism can’t turn. That’s what keeps a lock uh...locked.” She looked up at Ellie’s face. “With me so far?”

“This is pretty complex. Should I be writing this down?” Ellie asked, a note of humour in her voice. She went to open her journal with her free hand, but Dina pressed gently on the hand still under her control, signalling that she wanted the journal to stay closed. Ellie complied, dropping her other arm by her side again.

Dina held up her own finger. “I’m the key.”

“You’re the key,” Ellie repeated, whispering this time.

Dina ran her finger along the cover of the journal, stopping when she reached the edge of Ellie’s hand. She slid past Ellie’s pointer finger, then gently nudged the next finger. Ellie arched her finger slightly in response to the nudges, which Dina stopped once the two nails were in line.

Ellie’s ring finger quickly followed suit, but things got a bit trickier when Dina’s ‘key’ reached Ellie’s pinky. Ellie grunted when Dina went back and nudged her three previous fingers harder, the two middle ones arching heavily as Dina tried to align them with the shortest digit.

“Come on, I’ve heard you complain about playing an F chord enough times. This can’t be harder than that,” Dina murmured encouragingly.

Ellie furrowed her brow in concentration and, after a bit more effort, positioned her fingers so that all four of her fingernails were in alignment.

Dina slipped her hand into the gap between Ellie’s fingers and her journal. “Ta daaaaaa, you’re unlocked,” she said with a flourish, lacing their fingers together as she freed Ellie’s hand from its awkward position and pulled their linked hands towards her.

Ellie followed the movement with her eyes, finally breaking into a smile as Dina brushed a featherlight kiss across her knuckles.

Dina brought their hands down to rest in her lap. They sat there in silence, just watching each other closely. Ellie’s eyes roamed around Dina’s face, searching for...something. Dina wasn’t sure what.

Ellie opened her mouth, but whatever she was going to say was abruptly cut-off by a loud yawn from her girlfriend. Just like that, the tense moment was broken.

Dina’s eyes widened. “Shit, I don’t know where that came from. Sorry!”

Ellie chuckled, shaking her head lightly. “Thanks for the lock lesson, Miss Dina. But I think that it’s time to get you to bed.”

Dina conceded with a sigh. She wasn’t feeling too tired before, but the yawn must have served as a strong signal to the rest of her body. She could already feel her eyelids starting to get heavier.

Ellie stood up, helped Dina off the couch, and led her upstairs by the hand.


	4. Count to ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here comes the M-rated chapter

Dina opened the top drawer of her dresser and rummaged around. As her fingers ghosted over the purple long-sleeved top she had worn to the winter dance, she briefly wondered what Ellie’s reaction would be if she put it on. But then she moved on to the more comfortable clothes she reserved for sleeping in, selecting two pairs of soft cotton shorts and two oversized T-shirts. She pulled them out and placed them on top of her dresser, next to the underwear she had set aside just before, then closed the drawer.

Dina gathered a set of clothes together and threw them over to Ellie, who was perched on the edge of the bed in her towel, before starting to get dressed herself. After slipping on her underwear and shorts, she took the T-shirt with her and went back to the bathroom.

Dina deftly unwrapped the towel from her head and reached for the small jar of oil she kept next to the sink. She dipped her fingers into the jar and ran them through her slightly damp hair, gently tousling her curls out as she went.

She slipped her T-shirt over her head, then looked down with a smile. This was the largest shirt she owned, and still, her baby bump was sticking out from under it. By the looks of it, it was already time to go to the trading store to get whole new sets of clothes. Dina mentally added the task to her running list of things to do tomorrow, then made her way back to her bedroom.

As Dina nudged the door open with her hip, she was met with quite a sight. Ellie was wearing the pair of shorts Dina had given her with the drawstring undone but, Dina realised rather belatedly, her ‘oversized’ T-shirt was not so oversized for her girlfriend.

“You having a hard time?” Dina asked from the doorway. She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow, watching in amusement as Ellie wrestled with the shirt. She had managed to get it down past her chest, but was struggling to get the sleeves to fit across her broad shoulders.

“No, I got it,” Ellie answered hurriedly, in the midst of yanking an elbow that was thoroughly caught in one of the sleeves towards her. The move only managed to get her even more twisted up in the shirt. She grunted and let out a soft _“Fuck”_ before giving Dina a pleading look over her tangled arms.

Dina shook her head and approached her poor girlfriend. She reached for the fabric, but for the life of her couldn’t figure out how Ellie had gotten herself into this mess. “Okay, it’s…” she started, giving a few different areas an experimental tug, with no success.

“Yeah,” Ellie said in exasperation. The word was muffled by her arms, which were now crossed over her face.

“Fuck it,” Dina said finally, firmly gripping the material on either side of a seam and pulling down sharply. The row of stitching tore apart with a satisfying rip, and Ellie was freed from her T-shirt prison.

Ellie lowered her arms and looked down at the former shirt hanging off her body. “Sorry, I guess I owe you one of these now,” she muttered.

“Don’t worry about it. I need new clothes anyway,” Dina said, waving down at her protruding belly by way of explanation.

Ellie smiled, but continued to pick at the frayed edge of the torn shirt with a pout. “Man, the amount of times that I’ve slept over at yours...you’d think I would have left _some_ of my clothes lying around.”

Dina turned red. “Actually...you have.” She looked down shyly before continuing. “Do you remember that time you came back late from the valley route and stayed over? Maybe a week before the dance?”

Due to its proximity to the stables, Dina’s house was a popular place for Ellie to crash when an afternoon patrol ran late. Dina didn’t wait for an answer before walking over to her bed, fishing around under the covers, and pulling out a faded red flannel.

“Hey, that’s mine…” Ellie said, furrowing her brow slightly at the garment’s surprise appearance. “Oh my god, you were _sleeping_ with it?”

Dina felt her face heating up. No doubt, her cheeks were turning the same colour as the flannel in her hand. “Do you want something to wear or not?”

Ellie smiled and nodded. “Man, I really had no idea, huh?” she said, chuckling as she moved towards Dina. “I can’t believe that my _shirt_ slept with you before I did.”

Dina held it out for her, their fingertips brushing lightly as Ellie took the flannel from her. Dina glanced down, realising with a start that Ellie’s outstretched arm had pulled the tattered remains of Dina's former shirt with it, leaving her bare chest exposed.

Of course, Ellie noticed the look. “Like what you see?”

Dina’s mouth suddenly felt very dry, and her earlier feelings of tiredness quickly vanished. She swallowed thickly, risking a coy nod in response.

_It’s been so long...all those weeks travelling with Tommy didn’t exactly afford much privacy._

Dina frowned. Her girlfriend was half-naked in front of her and she was thinking of Tommy and travel logistics.

_Focus, idiot._

But it had been a long time. Since...since the weed den under the library, actually. Even when it had just been the two of them travelling to Seattle...Ellie had been so focused on the mission, and her grief had been so fresh. It had never felt like the right time.

_‘Why didn’t you tell him?’_

_‘It wasn’t the right time.’_

_Oh great, and now I’m thinking about Jesse instead._

Dina’s frown deepened, and she willed her mind towards much more suitable thoughts. “We just got back…” she started cautiously. “I...I know that there’s a lot of heavy emotions around right now. I don’t want to do this if it’s just like, a fucked up way of trying to process all of—”

“Hey hey hey. You’re overthinking,” Ellie whispered, lifting her thumb up to Dina’s forehead to smooth out the frown lines she found there.

_Am I?_

“Am I?”

“Yeah,” Ellie murmured, dropping her hand to Dina’s shoulder and sliding it down the length of her arm. When she reached Dina’s hand, she laced their fingers together and tugged to bring her closer. “I...I missed you.”

“ _Missed me?_ I haven’t been out of your sight since we left Seattle. You couldn’t miss me if you tried.”

Ellie smirked and moved her hand to cup Dina’s face again. “Overthinking,” she repeated, tapping Dina’s temple gently. “Besides,” she continued, “ _I’m_ the one that needs to have the thoughts.” She tucked the flannel under her arm, then held up her hands to briefly waggle her fingers. “I believe I still owe you ten.”

Dina smiled and tipped her head back. Ellie was right — her mind was still racing a million miles an hour, even as she took in her girlfriend’s beautiful face. “Do you want me to stop?” Dina asked, her voice dropping to a husk near the end.

Ellie nodded, biting her lip at the change in Dina’s tone. She took her time pulling her flannel on over her ripped shirt. Dina watched as Ellie fastened the buttons with agonising slowness, starting from the bottom and leaving the top few undone so there was still a good view.

Dina swallowed.“O...okay then, I think I need a, um, distraction. How about you tell me...what did you miss about me?”

Suffice to say, all thoughts swiftly left Dina’s head as Ellie’s lips made contact with her skin.

Ellie wasn't a touchy-feeling sort of person. So Dina was genuinely shocked that Ellie went straight for actions rather than words, planting soft kisses just above where her neck met her collarbone.

“I missed your neck,” Ellie murmured softly. Dina could feel Ellie’s right hand slide down towards her hip. One of her fingers gently ran up and down Dina’s side as Ellie trailed more kisses up towards her face.

“I missed your jaw,” Ellie continued, pressing more kisses along her jawline. Dina felt a second finger join the one that was already moving along her hip. With a start, Dina realised that she was keeping count using her fingers. Her heart fluttered at the thought of what Ellie would do when she got to ten.

“I missed…” Ellie paused for a moment, her breath hot against Dina’s skin, “...this spot just under your ear that’s _super_ sensitive.”

Dina was still caught up in the realisation of what Ellie was doing. Before she could react, Ellie had gone for the spot in question, nuzzling it with her nose for a moment before parting her lips and lightly nibbling at it. Dina shivered in response to the intense stimulation, but was completely powerless to move the sensitive area away from Ellie’s reach. It was like whatever part of her mind that controlled her body had turned to complete sludge.

Eventually, Ellie gave the spot a reprieve and moved away. Almost like she had read Dina’s mind, the next spot to receive a kiss was her forehead. “I missed this big. Beautiful. Brain of yours,” Ellie continued, punctuating the statement with more kisses as she spoke. At this point, Dina was so completely swept up in Ellie’s tender and loving ministrations, she barely felt Ellie adding the fourth digit to her astute counting system.

Next, Ellie peppered Dina’s face with several kisses. Their placement seemed random — Ellie concentrated on her cheeks for a bit, then jumped up to her temple, then to the bridge of her nose, then down to her chin. If Dina had any ability for rational thought remaining at this point, she would have asked Ellie what on earth she was doing.

Mercifully, Ellie solved that mystery almost immediately. “I missed your freckles,” she whispered, brushing a kiss against one more beauty mark before splaying her whole hand out across Dina’s hip. With all five fingers now available, she switched from a stroking action to strong squeezes.

Dina gasped and let out a shameless moan, dropping her head into the crook of Ellie’s neck. She inhaled deeply, reveling in the intermingling scents of their bodies. The room was warm and they had both started to sweat, releasing the smell of the lavender soap that had seeped into their skin.

But there was more underneath. And, unlike last time, there wasn’t the skunky smell of weed to overpower all of the things Dina had come to associate with Ellie: the smell of hot iron fresh from the Jackson blacksmith’s forge; the smell of woodsmoke from the countless bonfires they had gone to together; the smell of laundry hung out to dry on a warm sunny day.

Dina would have happily stayed there, nestled in her girlfriend’s arms and breathing her in, but Ellie seemed intent on continuing her list. She used the hand that was still cradling Dina’s face to gently move her away from her chest.

Now that they could see each other again, Ellie gave Dina a quick smile before leaning down to plant a kiss on the tip of Dina’s nose.

“I missed your nose.”

If Dina hadn’t figured out what Ellie was doing by this point, the way that she brought her left hand away from Dina’s face, dropped it to her other hip, and started stroking with a single finger to count the sixth would have been a dead giveaway.

As both of Ellie’s hands were now elsewhere, she couldn’t move Dina around as easily anymore. But she improvised by using her own nose to gently nudge at Dina’s, signalling that she wanted Dina to tilt her head back. When Dina complied, she finally went for her lips, capturing her mouth in a deep kiss.

As it turned out, it was good that both of Ellie’s hands were now at her hips. Because Dina’s legs all but collapsed underneath her, and she would probably have fallen to the floor if Ellie hadn’t held her up.

Ellie grunted, breaking apart from their kiss. “You okay?” she asked softly, shifting the way she was supporting Dina so that she was carrying most of her weight.

Dina could only nod in response.

“Okay good. Where was I?” She paused, going back in for another kiss, lighter this time. “Oh yeah! I missed your mouth...duh.”

Dina smirked, the moment of levity allowing her to regain some control over her body. Considering that Ellie had just reached number seven on her list, she knew she didn’t have much time left before...whatever Ellie was going to do to her at the end.

“I think you’ve spent enough time up here,” Dina murmured, reaching for where her T-shirt was riding up over her bump. She gripped the hem and swiftly pulled it up over her head, her shoulder — for once — not being an asshole and allowing her to do the move smoothly.

“Oh, hello,” Ellie breathed, her eyebrows shooting up her forehead as Dina tossed her shirt away from them and lowered her arms. “I thought it was just the steam in the shower fucking with my eyes but...these are new.” She lifted her hands up from Dina’s hips, cupping her sensitive and, yes, considerably larger breasts. “Who are you and what have you done to my girlfriend’s boobs?”

Dina shook her head at the realisation that yet another one of Ellie’s turns of phrase had rubbed off on her.

_Speaking of rub..._

Dina squeezed her legs together. The second that Ellie’s attention had shifted to her chest, Dina’s desire from earlier in the night had returned with full force, her hormones thoroughly making their presence known.

“You don’t like them?” Dina asked, her sudden pent-up frustration making the question come out bolder than she intended. She rolled with it anyway, quirking an eyebrow and swaying her body out of Ellie’s reach.

Ellie was quick to maneuver them so she could be close to her chest again. “Observing. _Definitely_ not complaining.”

But now that Ellie’s hands were back on her hips, Dina could feel that only her pinky was missing from her grip.

“Hey!” Dina protested. “You can’t count them twice, that’s not fair! Go back to eight.”

Ellie smirked. “Well, why not? There _are_ two of them.” Despite the completely reasonable justification, she lifted her left hand up and made a show of straightening out her ring finger to rejoin her pinky. “Happy?” she asked, using the hand still on Dina’s hip to gently sway them back and forth.

“Yes.”

“You took your sweet time. I was wondering when you’d catch on.”

“Please. I had you all figured out by like number three. You’re not as smooth as you think you are, Ellie Willi—oh!”

Dina cut herself off as the back of her legs hit the edge of her bed. She hadn’t even noticed that Ellie had been moving them in that direction.

“You were saying?” Ellie asked smugly, reaching behind Dina to support her back as she lay down on the bed.

“Fuck me,” Dina breathed, mesmerised by the sight of her girlfriend climbing into bed above her.

“I am _trying,_ ” Ellie said with a grin, “but _someone_ is a stickler for the rules. I guess they want this to take even longer.”

Dina bit her lip and mentally swore. She hadn’t thought about that.

But it was also clear that Ellie was growing impatient too — after a few brief kisses, she wasted no time in making her way down to Dina’s midsection.

“Well, number nine can be here then. I definitely missed your belly,” Ellie said, resting her chin on Dina’s stomach and looking up at her through her eyelashes. “Unless you somehow have an objection to that?”

Dina vigorously shook her head, earning an amused smile from Ellie.

“Are you sure? No calling out a technicality? No ‘come on, ninety-nine percent of this is baby right now’ cries of protest?”

Dina rolled her eyes. Her girlfriend was _impossible_ sometimes.

At least Ellie’s impatience didn’t take long to win out again. “Okay then, I hear no objections, so we have our number nine. And well, I think we both know what ten is…” she husked, continuing her kisses even lower down Dina’s body.

But as Ellie disappeared behind her swollen stomach, Dina was seized with a sudden sense of loss. She reached down with scrabbling fingers, managing to grab one of Ellie’s wrists and tug at it. “No don’t, please,” Dina said in a rush. “I want to see your face. I need you.”

If it was anyone else Dina would have been embarrassed at how desperate that sounded. But not with Ellie. Never with Ellie.

Ellie’s face poked up from behind Dina’s belly. She placed one final kiss on her hip before nodding and rejoining her at the top of the bed. “It’s okay, I’m right here,” she said quietly, positioning herself so that she was lying on her side, facing Dina.

“Thank you,” Dina breathed, still unsettled by the sudden sense of panic that had overwhelmed her.

_What the fuck is wrong with me?_

She took a few deep breaths, and finally managed to calm herself down. She remained lying on her back, but shifted even closer to Ellie and turned her head to look at her. “Uh, you were saying...number ten?”

“Yeah, um…” Ellie paused, looking up and down Dina’s body with pursed lips. “...seeing as I'm stuck up here, how exactly are we going to do this?”

Dina held up her hand, waggling her pointer and middle finger slowly. “You’ve got two of these for a reason.”

“Oh my god Dina, I fucking know that!” Ellie exclaimed, turning beet red and hiding her face in her hands. “I meant more like...angles, and shit,” she mumbled from between her fingers. “I can’t exactly lie on top of you right now.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

Ellie rolled her eyes, but bent her arm and reached past Dina’s belly. She slipped her hand under Dina’s shorts and underwear and Dina sighed in relief as she finally started to relieve the pressure that had been building there.

But after only a few seconds, Ellie stopped. Dina was about to grumble in protest, but immediately switched to concern as Ellie yelped and sharply pulled her hand away.

“Fuck fuck fuck! CRAMP!” Ellie exclaimed, shaking her wrist out with a grimace.

Dina reached out and held onto Ellie’s arm, firmly running her thumb along the twitching muscles there to help them settle down. “Shit El, I’m sorry.”

“Angles,” Ellie repeated, shaking her head in disappointment. “This isn’t going to work, Di.”

Dina thought back to the diagrams from her book. “Okay...okay I have another idea. Just…” She trailed off, gently turning over so she was lying on her side, facing away from Ellie. Dina beckoned over her shoulder and felt Ellie shift on the bed behind her, scooting closer to bring their bodies together.

Ellie reached out and tucked Dina’s hair behind her ear. “I thought you wanted to see me,” she teased.

Dina sighed as Ellie’s breath tickled the back of her neck. “Close enough. Life’s all about compromises,” she murmured, swallowing as Ellie pressed kisses into the same sensitive spot below her ear from earlier.

“Glad to hear it. I think I can work with this,” Ellie said, a note of confidence rising in her voice. “Hips up babe. Just for a sec.”

Dina complied, and Ellie moved away to swiftly pull down her shorts and underwear. Then Ellie returned to her former position, slotting their bodies together so she was perfectly flush against Dina’s back.

Dina reached for her hand, pulling it to where she needed Ellie the most. Her tattooed arm was partially hidden by the swell of Dina’s belly as it dipped in and out, but the action was smooth, and Dina could tell that it was a much better position for her.

As Ellie took her closer and closer to the edge, pulling her more and more undone, Dina inexplicably found herself thinking back to their earlier lesson about how locks work. But she allowed her mind to drift as Ellie continued to take care of her.

They still had a lot of shit to work through. A lot of hard emotions to process. But in this moment, the only thing that Dina could feel was Ellie’s love, surrounding her and opening her up.

Ellie’s strong hand, tending to her quivering centre, was the key to Dina’s body.

Ellie’s encouraging voice, whispering into her ear, was the key to Dina’s mind.

Ellie’s solid pulse, thumping against her shoulder blade, was the key to Dina’s soul.

And, as Dina finally tipped over the edge with a shudder, it felt like everything within her was unlocked.

She was home. Ellie was her home.


	5. Ground control to Major Ellie

Dina completely lost her sense of time as she rode out her high. Surely she stayed up there for minutes, if not hours. But when she did eventually come down, her rapidly cooling skin triggered a shiver.

“Cold, babe?” Ellie asked from behind her. Her breath was warm against Dina’s bare shoulder blade. “I don’t know what happened, but you seem to have lost all of your clothes.”

Dina aimed a swat at Ellie’s side, but missed. Ellie chuckled and drew the covers up over them. She pressed gentle kisses into the back of Dina’s neck and looped her arms around Dina’s body to pull her closer.

“That was...wow.” Dina managed to get out eventually, although she was still panting slightly. “You’ve...you’ve given me a tough act to follow.”

Ellie laughed lightly in response. They were pressed so closely together that Dina could feel the vibrations running up and down the whole length of her body.

“I feel like I should say something cute. Like ‘that was all about me taking care of you’ — which it was, don’t get me wrong — but uh.” Ellie paused awkwardly. “To be honest, it was enough for me too.”

“Woah. Seriously?”

Dina was surprised. Back at the weed den, she was the one who had been _much_ easier to please. Maybe it was because she had worked herself up with her constant flirting during their whole run of the creek trails, while Ellie had been so unbelievably nervous the whole time that their clothes were off. Dina remembered that it had frustrated her to no end back then, so she felt a strange sense of pride at how easily Ellie had come undone this time.

“Yeah,” Ellie admitted with a shy chuckle.

“Who are you and what have you done with my girlfriend?”

“Hey, that’s my line!” Ellie said, indignant. She lightly headbutted Dina’s back and huffed. “Why are you so fucking shocked that your girlfriend is turned on by you? I just didn’t show it _quite_ as much as you did…”

“Wait, what?”

Dina felt Ellie shift her hips slightly, and noticed for the first time how wet the sheets were under them.

“Oh _fuck_ , was that me???”

_The book had mentioned something about increased uh...secretions, but yikes. Guess I’ll be washing these sheets tomorrow._

“Yep. _All_ you, babe.”

Dina rolled over with a sheepish smile. “Sorry.”

Ellie shifted back, pulling Dina closer to her side of the bed so they were out of the worst of the wetness. Then she lifted her hand to Dina’s cheek, a concerned look on her face.

“What?”

Ellie wordlessly brushed her thumb against Dina’s cheek. Dina was surprised to feel wetness there too.

“The boobs were a nice surprise, but these are new too,” Ellie said, her voice wavering slightly. “I know that we were high last time. Was it really _that_ bad without weed?”

_Oh yeah. The book mentioned something about increased emotional responses during sex too._

“Fuck. No no no, they’re happy tears,” Dina whispered reassuredly. “Whatever my body’s doing, clearly I’m just along for the ride,” she said, ignoring Ellie’s raised eyebrow at the unintentional euphemism. “I’ve given up on trying to control all these hormones.”

“I could tell.”

“Shut up.”

Dina went to cuddle her, but was surprised when Ellie pressed a hand to her chest.

“What now?”

“Go pee.”

Dina groaned. “But I’m comfy.”

“I’m fucking serious, Di. We are not dealing with a UTI on top of everything else.”

“Speaking from experience, are we?”

Ellie pressed her lips together and blew her cheeks out. “Yeah,” she said flatly, “and it sucked. It hurt so much, I eventually caved and went to the clinic for antibiotics. It was so fucking embarassing.”

Dina frowned. “Really? Anne doesn’t strike me as the type to make fun of that sort of stuff.”

“Oh no, she didn’t make fun of me. But she also didn’t accept any of the things that I had brought to trade.”

“So what did you do?”

“Well she gave them to me...but only after I promised to sit in on the sex ed lesson that she was giving to the sixth graders that week,” Ellie said, poking her tongue out. “Fucking mortifying.”

“Now _that_ sounds more like her,” Dina amended, chuckling at the thought of Ellie in a classroom full of twelve-year-olds receiving that lesson. “Isn’t that the one with the cucumbers? At least you got a free one to take home.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? I was scarred for life, I couldn’t eat that thing!”

Dina hid a grin behind her hand.

“It’s not funny!”

Dina couldn’t help but smile wider. She held out her hand, pinching her thumb and pointer finger together before separating them by about an inch. “Come on, it’s a _little bit funny._ And cucumbers aside, are you telling me you didn’t learn a single thing from that class?” Dina asked, trying to use the light moment as a distraction to get close to Ellie again.

But Ellie held her ground, the hand against her chest staying firm.“I did. Like the fact that you should _go pee._ Come on. I have to get up to change my shorts anyway, thanks to you.”

Dina’s cheeks coloured, but she knew Ellie was right. After a final eye roll, she conceded and slipped out of bed. Ellie got up too, and headed to her dresser as Dina quickly ducked to the bathroom to relieve herself and freshen up.

When she returned, Ellie was back in bed already. There was enough room on her dry side of the bed for both of them; as Dina approached, Ellie lifted the covers up and she slid in. Dina sighed in content, snuggling into Ellie’s embrace.

“Better?” Ellie asked, kissing the side of her temple.

Dina grumbled in response but nodded, allowing Ellie the satisfaction of being right this time. It struck her that it should feel strange that she was stark naked, while Ellie was still fully clothed. But Ellie was holding her so closely, and was so warm, that Dina found herself not minding at all.

They lay together quietly for a while, but Dina wasn’t feeling particularly tired. And, judging by the light patterns that Ellie was tracing on her bare arms, her girlfriend wasn’t tired either.

Dina lifted her head slightly to look at Ellie, who greeted her with a soft smile. Dina returned the greeting, and found herself gazing into Ellie’s eyes. 

Even without the weed, her eyes looked the same as they did after the first time they had sex — open, honest, tender. It was one of the few times that all of Ellie’s walls had been completely down. Dina still couldn’t believe that Ellie had shared her biggest secret with her back then. Even though Dina hadn't believed her at the time, in that small moment, Ellie decided to trust her, and handed over so much control in their relationship.

Maybe it was time for Dina to do the same.

“I was thinking about your question from earlier,” Dina started cautiously.

Ellie’s eyebrows furrowed.

“After your place. While we were walking here,” Dina prompted gently.

“Oh yeah! About crowds, right?”

Dina nodded, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. “I think...I think it’s something to do with control—” she paused, pressing a finger to Ellie’s lips to hush the no-doubt cheeky comment she was about to make, “—I know. Me? A control freak?”

Ellie raised her eyebrows, an unspoken request to speak. Dina nodded and lifted her finger away.

“I dunno about control freak. But you were pretty uh...direct. Just before.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. It was kinda hot.”

Dina ducked her head to hide a quick smile. She needed to get this out before she lost her nerve and used Ellie’s humour as a way to escape.

“I...I don’t feel settled here.”

Ellie sucked in a breath. “Di, we just got back.”

“I know, I know. But…” Dina blew a raspberry, for once struggling to find the right words. “Okay. I like...control. Fine. I—I don’t like people making decisions for me. I loved my mom and Talia, but they were so, um...protective of me...I don’t remember making a single choice while I was with them.” Dina nodded to herself as the words started coming out smoother.

“They did what they had to, I know that. But when I got to Jackson and realised I could make decisions for myself...it was a lot. Everything was still scary, but...suddenly I could do something about it. So...I loved going to bonfires. And I loved going to dances at the church. Because...because I _chose_ to love them.” Dina paused to glance at Ellie. “Is this making _any_ sense?”

Ellie cocked her head, looking uncertain. But she gestured for Dina to keep going anyway.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Jackson. I do. When I first got here, I didn’t believe that somewhere like this could even exist. But even after I lived here for a bit and started to settle down...I still liked knowing what to expect.”

Dina smiled at her memories of nights at the town’s converted church, under the warm glow of string lights. “I loved going to dances because I knew that they were going to play the same country music mixtape that they always played. I knew that there would be flannel and double denim as far as the eye can see. I knew that by the end of the night, there would only be a few older couples left in the middle, slow dancing to some song that was their favourite before the outbreak.”

Dina absent-mindedly played with the sleeve of Ellie's flannel. “But when we got to the gate today...I hadn’t prepared myself for all the people that were there. I dunno, maybe I thought that all of the attention would have still been on Tommy, and that we could have slipped in quietly.”

Dina reached down and smoothed a hand across her belly. “I just know that when this one comes along...everything is going to change. There are going to be so many curveballs for us to deal with on the fly. And outside of that...after Seattle...I don’t think I’ll have anything left to handle surprises. I just know that I’m going to be completely useless on patrols.”

“We’re _not_ doing patrols anymore. No way. Maria will understand.”

It was the first time that Ellie had spoken in several minutes. She clamped her mouth shut, seeming almost surprised that the comment had slipped out.

But Dina ducked her head in appreciation, Ellie’s voice giving her the strength to continue. “She _would_ understand. I know that. But Ellie, I couldn’t even walk through a fucking gate today without losing my shit.”

Ellie twisted her lips together, searching Dina’s face with concern. “We just got back…” she repeated hesitantly, “...you just need to give yourself some more time, Di.”

“Maybe. But...maybe not. I keep _telling_ myself that I’m home, but…” Dina forced herself to take a deep breath. She needed to stop dancing around the subject. “I...I don’t think there’s a chance of this changing.”

“Of _what_ changing?”

“When I think about the future...I see you in it. Clear as day. You, me and this little Potato.”

The corner of Ellie’s mouth quirked up. As much as Dina had rolled her eyes when Ellie had suggested the nickname, she had to admit that it had grown on her.

“But…”

Dina took a shuddering breath.

It was now or never.

“...I don’t see that future being in Jackson.” 

Dina knew that it wasn’t a fair thing to say. Like Ellie had said earlier, neither of them had a monopoly on fucked up backstories. Ellie’s childhood had been just as tough as Dina’s had been. Then Ellie finally found Jackson, the first place that she didn’t hate with every fibre of her being.

How could Dina ask her to abandon that?

Dina dropped her head, her earlier strength utterly spent. She wasn’t brave enough to see Ellie’s reaction to her words. But she could still hear her breath catch in her throat.

“The farmhouse…” Ellie whispered.

Was there a note of hope in her voice? Surely not. Dina tried to catch a glimpse of her through her eyelashes, and gave a furtive nod.

“I...I know we’ve talked about it before. But it’s not some far-off fantasy or hypothetical scenario. Not for me. It’s...it’s the only place I see in my future.”

“Our future.”

Dina couldn’t help herself any longer. She looked up for the first time since her confession, searching Ellie’s face for any sign of a stupid joke or insincerity. But she could only see love and honesty on her girlfriend’s face.

It was enough to make Dina tear up. “ _Our_ future?” she echoed cautiously.

Ellie scooted closer and nuzzled Dina’s nose with her own, before pulling back with a gentle smile. “Well. I don’t see either of us robbing a bank anytime soon, so a space shuttle is out of the question.”

Dina laughed wetly, a few tears escaping from her eyes and rolling down her cheeks. Ellie leaned in again, this time to kiss her tears away.

“I guess I can settle for a farmhouse,” Ellie murmured between kisses. “I mean, seeing as you stole one of my lines, I’m going to steal one of yours.” She moved back again and rested her head on the pillow that they were sharing. “You go, I go.”

Dina was still crying, but broke out into a grin upon hearing the familiar words. She was the one to lean in this time, peppering kisses all over Ellie’s face while whispering ‘thank you’ over and over again. She only stopped once she had thoroughly covered every inch of Ellie’s face.

“It’s not like I want to leave tomorrow — we’ve still got a lot of shit to sort out — but I didn’t want to suddenly spring this on you either.”

Ellie nodded her understanding.

“And it’s not like we’re running away from home,” Dina continued, “I just...I just think that we can make a home somewhere else. _You’re_ my home.”

Dina knew that she was repeating herself — she had said the exact same thing just before they had arrived in Jackson. But back then, there had been so many emotions flying around. Ellie had been coming down from an episode, and Dina herself had been frantic, almost manic, at the time. Maybe it was because she was in a calm and quiet space, and wrapped up in Ellie’s arms, but this time the same words felt much more important.

Evidently, Ellie thought so too. “Fuck, I love that line even more. Can I steal it too?”

Dina rolled her eyes, but she was still smiling. “Sure. And I’m feeling generous, so here’s one more that you can have: I love you.”

“I love you,” Ellie echoed without hesitation.

Ellie drew her close for one more kiss, and together they drifted off to sleep.


	6. Routines are not without risk

Dina woke up in an empty bed. It was a situation that felt far too familiar. She knew that Ellie was trying, but her girlfriend still couldn’t manage to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. At least the sheets next to Dina were still warm, a sign that Ellie hadn’t been up for long. And she could hear noises coming from downstairs, indicating that she was still in the house.

Dina never really liked her house much. Of course, she was grateful to have a roof over her head, and somewhere safe to go to at the end of the day. But it always felt too big, and far too empty, for just one person. There were rooms that she would go weeks at a time without walking into. It was like they were a constant reminder of how lonely she was.

She heard a muffled crash coming from downstairs, followed by a quiet swear. Dina smiled; at least with two people in her house, one of whom had a certain penchant for chaos, it felt a bit more lived-in. Plus, as Dina recalled their conversation from the night before, her house now felt more like a stop-gap, rather than a final destination. It was enough of a positive thought to motivate Dina to roll over and get out of bed.

Dina turned back around and stripped the sheets from her bed, finding her shorts and underwear in the process. She pulled her underwear back on, but decided she might as well get dressed for the day.

After several months of wearing the same clothes, it was strange to have her whole wardrobe at her disposal again. Dina thought wistfully of her orange button-up shirt for a moment — it had been one of her favourites — but knew it was too far gone to save. And besides, she would need new clothes to get her through the next few months anyway.

For now, she walked to her dresser and took out a pair of sweatpants, loosening the drawstring so she could pull it up over her hips. She also selected her roomiest sports bra and wrestled that on. Then she turned and cast her eyes around the room, searching for the T-shirt that she had flung somewhere the night before. Eventually, she found it dangling from her lampshade, and pulled it on too.

Finally, Dina bundled up the bedsheets in her arms and left her room.

\---

The tub in the laundry was already filled with soapy water. Dina dumped her sheets in, leaving them to soak together with Ellie’s shirt.

As Dina stepped out into the downstairs hallway, she heard whistling. She was struck with a sense of deja vu from the night before. But, after listening for a few seconds, she realised that this wasn’t something new. Dina recognised the song — it was the one Ellie had started to sing in that music store back in Seattle, before she switched to her encore performance of Take on Me.

Dina followed the sound to the living room, where she found Ellie, sitting at the dining table and dressed in her red flannel and a pair of Dina’s jeans. She was facing away from Dina, but turned towards her as she entered the room.

“Hey.”

“Morning,” Ellie said, greeting her with a small smile. “I made...well, I wouldn’t call it breakfast. But I made food. It should still be warm,” she added, waving towards the kitchen.

“Thanks,” Dina replied, bending down to press a kiss against Ellie’s temple and smooth down a section of her hair at the same time.

Ellie had gone to bed with her hair still damp from the shower. That, combined with the sweat from last night, had given her a serious case of bed-head. Dina combed her fingers through Ellie’s hair, eventually managing to get it into some sort of socially acceptable level of tidiness. She nodded her thanks before gesturing towards the kitchen again.

Dina craned her neck around the corner and spotted a frying pan on the stove with steam rising from it. The door of the cabinet next to the stove was open, and all of Dina’s other pots and pans were on the floor in front of it. No doubt, the mess was behind the crash that she had heard from upstairs.

Dina navigated her way to the stove and dished out a generous portion of the food Ellie had made. She poked around her bowl with a spoon — there were canned beans, her old friend, but it looked like Ellie had also managed to salvage some fresh produce from her garden. Dina was sure it had gone wild with months of neglect, but she could see that some tomatoes and cabbage must have survived and had made their way into the improvised stew.

“I’ll clean that mess from the cupboard later,” Ellie added as Dina returned to the living room, “I just want to get this done before we head out.”

Dina set her plate down and surveyed the dining table, curious to know what she was talking about. Ellie had retrieved her backpack from the front door and, evidently, was in the midst of unpacking it — all manner of objects were strewn out across the wooden surface.

There was a stack of the kids books that she had taken from the library back in Kennewick. Unfortunately, they hadn’t managed to find a copy of that book of Jesse’s that Ellie had mentioned. But, it wasn’t an exaggeration to say that she had cleared that whole section for any and all books about space. True to her word, she hadn’t complained about carrying the extra load the whole way home.

There was also that elephant plush toy that Ellie had found in Yakima. Despite its age, and weeks of travel squished in her backpack, it was still in remarkably good condition. Dina picked it up, rubbing one of its soft ears between her fingers for a moment before placing it on top of the stack of books.

There were a few more things closer to Ellie’s side of the table. Her journal was open, and she was resting one of her hands on it. Dina could see that it was where the sketch of Jesse’s view had been — as she watched, Ellie ran a finger along the ragged edges left behind where she had torn the page out. When she pulled her hand away, Dina could see that her _hamsa_ bracelet was sitting on top of the page.

Ellie was holding a piece of wood, about the thickness of her wrist and the length of a water bottle, in her other hand. Dina watched as she picked up her switchblade and carved a line into the wood.

“What are you doing?”

Ellie used one end of the piece of wood to nudge at her bracelet. Dina glanced between the two, and as Ellie carved more lines, Dina realised that she was using her bracelet as a reference to carve a _hamsa_ into the wood.

“It’s from that fallen tree where we buried Jesse. I broke off the end of one of its roots,” Ellie explained, her focus staying on the task in front of her.

Dina’s breath caught in her throat. She pulled a chair out and sat next to Ellie, watching as she finished replicating the protective symbol in the gnarled wood. “I didn’t see you taking that,” she said softly.

“I did it the day we left. You were still sleeping.”

“And you carried it all the way back here?”

“Well, my backpack did, technically.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I do.” Ellie looked up. “I...I wanted to get rid of it so many times on our way back. But...you have to carry a piece of Jesse with you,” she explained, pausing to briefly glance at Dina’s belly, “I figured I could manage doing that too.”

Dina opened her mouth, about to point out that Ellie was comparing carrying a piece of wood around for a few weeks to literally building a human being from scratch. But she couldn’t think of a way to ensure that it would come across as a joke, rather than a complaint.

It wasn’t worth the risk. Not today.

Dina closed her mouth and silently watched Ellie’s hands as she worked. They were calm and steady; unlike the day before, there was no hint of a tremor as she carved Jesse’s name beside the symbol, the same as she had done in the tree that marked his grave back in Seattle.

Ellie exhaled and gently set it down on the table. “I want to bring it with us today,” she said, finally looking over at Dina. “You know? At least there’ll be something to represent him at the ceremony.”

Dina reached over and slipped her hand into Ellie’s, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “That’s a really nice idea, El.”

Ellie gave her a tight-lipped smile. “Today’s going to suck, isn’t it?”

Dina puffed out her cheeks, then exhaled slowly. “Yeah, it will,” she replied honestly. There was no point pretending otherwise.

Ellie nodded and went back to examining her carving, flicking off little bits of wood dust and loose fibres to make it look a bit neater.

Dina, meanwhile, finally started on her breakfast. A few spoonfuls in, she realised just how hungry she was, and quickly inhaled the rest of it.

Ellie watched with a raised eyebrow as she noisily slurped the last few dregs from her bowl. “Good?”

Dina nodded, wiping her chin with the back of her hand as she set her bowl back down. “We’ll have to stop by the markets to pick up some fresh food. But you did really well with what you found.”

Ellie smiled at the praise. But when she looked back at the carved piece of root in her hand, the smile was quickly replaced with a frown.

“What is it?”

Ellie traced Jesse’s name with her fingernail. “I know Robin, but what’s...what’s his dad’s name?”

“Samuel. Why?”

Ellie shook her head. “I didn’t know that,” she mumbled. “Some friend I am.” She paused. “Was.”

Dina twisted her lips together. She went to reach for Ellie’s hand again, but Ellie pulled both of them into her lap and started fiddling with the hem of her red flannel instead.

Dina’s heart clenched at the denial of affection. But she understood. 

After hovering her hand above the surface of the table for a moment, Dina redirected it to collect her bowl and spoon. She stood and took her dishes back to the kitchen, leaving them in the sink to deal with later.

When Dina returned to the living room, Ellie had slipped the carved root into her backpack and tugged it on. She rolled her shoulders around, clearly approving of the lightened load of her partially unpacked bag. But there was still the matter of the dizzying array of weapons hanging from its various straps.

The protocol after finishing a patrol run was to return all assigned guns to the Jackson armory. But yesterday, with so many other things on their mind, they had neglected to do that. Now, Dina assessed all of the weapons in Ellie’s possession with pursed lips.

The pump shotgun Ellie had taken from the failed bank robbers in downtown Seattle had been a good find. But Dina would have been lying if she said she hadn’t been increasingly worried each time Ellie festooned herself with more and more deadly objects. First it was the trap mine she found when they were scavenging for supplies at Capitol Hill. Then, Ellie had come back from Hillcrest with a bow. At the time, Dina remembered half-expecting that Ellie would return to the theatre with a machine gun next.

Of course, out there, all of it had been necessary for their survival. But now they just felt like symbols of undeserved violence. Reminders of what Ellie had done in Seattle. All things that Dina would much rather forget.

Ellie must have seen Dina’s disapproving look, because she gently patted at the strap of the shotgun at her shoulder.

“I’d leave my backpack behind, but I wanted to drop off all of this stuff first. Figured I should do that while we’re near the stables.”

Dina exhaled, relieved that Ellie was thinking along the same lines as her. She nodded and went to retrieve her own rifle at the front door, briefly detouring to collect the baby book from the coffee table first. Ellie joined her at the door where they both pulled on their shoes. Then, together, they left the house.

\---

Their first few errands were fairly simple. There were, of course, the glances of curious on-lookers, which both Ellie and Dina tried their best to ignore, as they walked around town. But by and large, the people of Jackson seemed happy to respect their personal space and obvious desire for privacy.

First stop was the armory, where thankfully, Esther was on shift. She was a woman of few words and, true to form, she said nothing as Ellie dumped her hunting rifle, shotgun, and bow onto the workbench. A machete with scissors taped to the handle did, however, garner a raised eyebrow from her.

“Do I even want to know?”

Ellie pressed her lips into a mirthless smirk. “Honestly? Probably not.”

Esther ducked her head in acknowledgement, then turned to Dina. “And you?”

“Just this one,” Dina said, gladly handing over her own hunting rifle.

Coincidentally, Esther had also been at the stables on the day they had left for Seattle. She took Dina’s rifle and held it, considering the pair in front of her. “I’ll be honest,” she started, haltingly. “After that day, I didn’t think I’d ever see you two again.”

Dina was about to respond by saying ‘neither’, but bit back the dark-humoured remark at the last moment.

It wasn’t worth the risk. Not today.

“Uh…” Esther said, clearly wanting to fill the awkward silence that followed her statement. “I’m glad I am, though. Obviously.”

Dina gave her a small smile and stepped back. “I’m glad to see you too, Esther.”

Esther nodded and scooped up all the weapons on her workbench, thanked them, and sent them on their way.

\---

The trading store was next. Gale was similarly quiet, lingering elsewhere in the store until Dina approached her to ask where the maternity clothes were. When she showed them to the right section, Dina barely caught Gale’s quick glance down at her belly. But then she gave them both a sorrowful look that no one could have missed.

“Take whatever you need, girls. No trades.”

Ellie, who had already started to examine the clothes on offer, turned back in surprise. “Are you sure? I’ve got plenty of books I’ve been meaning to bring back. It would be no trouble to go get—”

“Nonsense,” Gale interjected, gesturing towards the racks again. “Anything you need. I don’t want you worrying about any of that today.”

Dina ducked her head in appreciation as Gale left them alone to browse through the available clothes.

While they were walking around Jackson, Dina had grown increasingly self-conscious of the way her belly stuck out from under her current shirt. So, she was pleased to discover that there was a decent range of loose-fitting garments up for grabs. It wasn’t long before Dina had set aside a stack of tops and stretchy pants that would help her get through the next few months. While they weren’t her usual choice of colour, she made sure a pair of black pants and a grey blouse were included in the selection.

After flicking through a few more racks, Dina abruptly stopped and pulled out one of the coat hangers. It was a light green T-shirt, with the words ‘Baby loading, please wait…’ and a half-filled progress bar printed on it.

Dina snorted. It was the kind of dumb thing that Ellie would surely love. She turned, T-shirt in hand, to show her girlfriend. But to her surprise, Ellie wasn’t there.

“Ellie?” Dina called out.

“Yeah?” she heard a few aisles over.

“Where’d you go?”

“Coming back your way,” Ellie answered, her voice getting louder as she got closer to the aisle that Dina was in. “I just needed a couple of things for me.”

Just then, Ellie rounded the corner. She had a pair of dark jeans and a navy blue button-up shirt draped over her arm.

“Did you find some good stuff?” Ellie asked as she reached her. 

“Yeah…” Dina responded, still looking at the clothes that Ellie was holding.

“Oh, yeah,” Ellie started, fiddling with the sleeve of the button-up shirt, “figured I should get these too. I don’t have any other clothes at yours, and we might not make it back to my place before this afternoon.”

It was an obvious excuse — they had plenty of time to spare, it would have been easy to add a detour to their to-do list. But Dina didn’t blame Ellie for not wanting to go back to her place just yet, so she just nodded, not pressing the issue. 

Dina gestured towards the pile of clothes she had set aside. “Do you mind carrying those in your backpack?”

Ellie nodded and quietly packed everything inside her bag. “And that one too?” she asked, waving at the green T-shirt that Dina was still holding.

Thankfully, the printed side was facing towards Dina. “Oh. Um...no,” she said quietly, returning the novelty T-shirt to its rack without showing Ellie.

It wasn’t worth the risk. Not today.

\---

Their next stop was the morning markets. 

Ellie grabbed a large wooden crate and followed Dina around as she tossed various staple foods, vegetables and fruit in. When they reached the area dedicated to preserved goods, Dina was quick to take the biggest jar of pickles she could find.

“Ugh, really?” Ellie asked, wrinkling her nose in disgust as Dina dropped the jar into their crate.

“Stop complaining, they’re all for me. I’ve been craving them for so fucking long,” Dina tossed over her shoulder as she collected more jars and cans from the table. Ellie was still grumbling behind her though, so she grabbed a bundle of beef jerky before turning back around.

“Fine, you can have a treat too,” Dina said, tapping Ellie’s nose lightly with a strip of the jerky. 

But Ellie wasn’t even looking at her; she was staring over Dina’s shoulder at the other end of the market.

Dina followed her gaze, and her heart leapt into her throat.

Jesse’s parents were there. The couple was facing away from them, but Dina could see that they were examining the flowers on display near the back of the building. Dina watched as Samuel selected a bundle of light yellow peonies and held them up to his wife. She nodded, and together they turned to make their way to the exit.

Dina froze as the four of them made eye contact. Even from this distance, she could see that their eyes were red and puffy.

Slowly, Robin raised her hand. In her peripheral vision, Dina saw Ellie lower their crate and return the gesture. Dina went to do the same, but realised she was still holding the beef jerky. She dropped her arm by her side guiltily, hoping that Robin and Samuel hadn’t seen her trying to goof around with Ellie just before.

Samuel was the first to break away from their locked gazes. He held up the bundle of flowers as a gesture of farewell, then took his wife’s hand and walked them out of the building.

“Fuck,” Ellie breathed once they had left, “they look awful.”

“We probably don’t look much better,” Dina pointed out with a sigh. She added her handful of jerky to their crate and cast her eyes over all the items. “Do you want anything else?”

“Nope,” Ellie replied, adjusting her hold of the crate so it rested on her hip. “Should we drop everything back at yours and get changed before the next stop?”

“Yeah, good idea.”

“What _is_ next, by the way?”

“The clinic.”

“Cool.”

Neither of them mentioned why they needed to get changed into their dark-coloured clothes. And the reason that Samuel and Robin were picking out flowers at the markets.

They both knew what was waiting for them in the afternoon. Somehow, it felt like not talking about it was the only thing holding them together. Neither of them wanted to be the first to shatter that illusion, in case it _did_ make them fall apart.

It wasn’t worth the risk. Not today.


	7. Time for a check-up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry all. I got a bit too excited to share this story with you, and caught up with the pre-written content. Hope this nice long chapter makes up for the wait. These next few chapters were a lot harder to write than I expected, but now I’m ahead again, so we’re back to the usual posting schedule :)
> 
> Lots of medical bla bla bla in this one. If anyone ever stumbles across my internet search history, they’ll DEFINITELY think I’m hiding a pregnancy (haha). Nope, just writing gay TLOU fanfiction~~~

“Dina, Ellie! Come in, come in,” Anne said, holding open the door and gesturing for them to enter. “Take a seat, I’ll be with you in a second.”

Dina stepped inside first, pulling in Ellie behind her, and sat down on one of the hard plastic chairs in the waiting area of the clinic.

Between the Tipsy Bison and Jackson’s medical clinic, it was hard to pick which used more alcohol in its daily activities. But as Dina absorbed her surroundings, it was the sharp, stinging and clean smell of rubbing alcohol that quickly filled her nose, rather than the cloying and heady smell of hooch that she always associated with the town’s bar.

Dina inhaled deeply. She always associated the smell with good news. With safety. The _absence_ of this smell was when she knew things were dangerous.

There were few things worse than walking into the clinic and getting smacked in the face with the iron smell of blood. The sour smell of vomit. There were times where she swore she could even pick up the scent of tears in the air. All of them, signs of pain and misery and loss and despair and—

_Stop. Stop going there._

Dina exhaled slowly, making a concerted effort to settle her suddenly heightened heartbeat.

Thankfully, at that moment, Anne joined them. “Mornin’.”

Dina stood and greeted Anne with a tight hug. After they separated, she briefly scanned the room, finding that only one of the hospital beds was occupied. “A quiet morning?”

“Yep,” Anne confirmed. “The best kind of morning.”

Dina briefly looked over at Ellie. While she always saw the clinic as a place of healing and comfort, she knew that Ellie had a more complicated history with hospitals. And sure enough, Ellie looked pretty uncomfortable — she was still standing, fidgeting with her fingers and shifting her weight back and forth as her eyes darted around the room.

Dina decided that it was probably best to avoid the lengthy chats she usually had with Anne. “Who have you got there?” she asked, nodding to the bed in the back corner of the room. There was a lump covered in blankets, and Dina could hear them quietly snoring.

“That would be Timothy sleeping off a nasty hangover,” Anne responded, clucking her tongue in disapproval. “Don’t feel sorry for him. He was at the Tipsy Bison last night, and the fool thought it was a good idea to have a drinking contest with Tommy.”

Dina frowned. They had only arrived in Jackson yesterday. She had felt so exhausted from their journey, that she couldn’t imagine anything worse than going straight to the bar. The fact that Tommy not only went there, but also out-drank Timothy, who was known to hold his liquor quite well, was…concerning.

_Each to their own, I guess._

“The dawn patrols should be back soon though,” Anne continued, cutting Dina’s thoughts short. “I always get someone coming in with something or other. Just when I thought I’d seen it all...the other day, Declan came in with a nasty bit of barbed wire wrapped around his arm.” Anne shook her head. “It’s all fun and games until you patrol junkies decide that you’re too cool to walk around a fence. ”

“We’ve gotta keep you entertained somehow,” Ellie piped up. She lifted her arm and rubbed at the back of her neck nervously. “I didn’t realise that Declan had started patrols already.”

Anne nodded. “Maria tried to rejig the schedule, but she did find herself running short a couple of times over the last few months. Had to rush some of the newbies through training so they could start early.”

Ellie chewed on her lip. “Sorry about that. I guess four of us going was...a lot.”

“It is what it is,” Anne said with a shrug. “We’re coping. We always do.” She cleared her throat in the resulting silence. “Anyway. Besides Timothy...yeah, a quiet morning. I had Seth come in with a knife injury from breakfast prep, but that was just a patch job then he cleared out.”

More silence would have followed Anne’s comment, if not for a high-pitched wail coming from outside.

“Oh, and that. Well, it was nice while it lasted,” Anne sighed. “Hope you two aren’t fond of your eardrums.”

“Wait, what?” Dina asked, having to raise her voice slightly as the wailing sounds grew louder.

“If you ever wondered what a baby with colic looks like...” Anne started, pausing dramatically as the clinic doors opened, “...here is an example I prepared earlier!!!”

Anne had to practically yell the latter part of her sentence as the room was suddenly filled with the sound of shrill crying. Dina turned in alarm and saw that Anne’s daughter, Cadence, was standing at the entrance. She was holding the source of the noise — a red-faced, screaming baby.

Cadence quickly closed the distance between them, bouncing the squirming baby on her hip. She barely glanced at Dina and Ellie before giving her mother a distressed look. “I walked him all around town and he’s still not settling, mom,” she managed to get out between screams from the infant in her arms.

Dina heard movement from behind her, followed by a groan. She looked over her shoulder and saw that Timothy had woken up and was looking at them with bleary eyes.

“Sorry Tim!” Anne said over the noise as she walked towards him. “Do you think you can make it home now? I’d say that here isn’t a good place for you to sleep it off anymore.”

Timothy nodded and rolled off the bed. He swayed slightly as he stood, but remained upright. He covered his ears with his hands and Anne helped him out of the clinic.

The baby, meanwhile, was still crying up a storm. Cadence shifted her grip, freeing up an arm and shaking it out with a grimace.

Dina held her own arms out. “Want me to sub in?” she offered.

Cadence nodded profusely and handed him over, shooting Dina a grateful smile as she started to massage her clearly sore muscles.

His cries were even more ear-splitting now that he was closer to Dina. She tried bouncing him like Cadence had been doing, but that just made him screech louder.

“What the fuck is wrong with him?” Ellie asked, straining to make her voice heard.

“Nothing,” Anne replied as she rejoined them, holding a small blanket. “This is the wonderful world of colic: when a baby fusses and cries for absolutely no reason. Here, let’s try this.”

Anne directed Dina to lay the baby down on the hospital bed closest to them. The doctor’s hands were a blur as she expertly swaddled him in the blanket, then placed him back in Dina’s arms.

The warm blanket seemed to somewhat calm him, at least to the point where his screaming tapered off, replaced by grizzling and cries that were at a much more manageable volume. Dina held him close to her chest and rocked him gently. He seemed to like that, so she hummed quietly and slowly ran her hand up and down his back.

It felt like forever, but eventually the baby settled. After one last squirm within his tightly swaddled blanket, and a few wet hiccups, he finally nestled himself in the crook of Dina’s arm and closed his eyes.

It was like all four of them had been holding a collective breath, and in the moment that followed, they all let it out in relief.

Dina looked up at Anne, who nodded in approval and gestured to the small paediatric cot set up in the corner of the room. Dina walked the baby over and gave him one last pat on the back before laying him down. She made sure he was comfortably sleeping before leaving him and returning to the group.

“Should we…” Dina asked under her breath, waving towards the front door of the clinic.

“Nah,” Anne replied, “he’s completely wiped himself out. We’ll be fine to talk here.”

“Oh okay. Um...hey Cadence,” Dina said, taking the opportunity to greet the doctor’s daughter properly.

Before Dina had left for Seattle, Cadence had already had a growth spurt and had shot up like a weed. As Dina stood beside her now, she realised that Cadence must have had another one in the few months that they were away — even though she was only thirteen years old, she was now taller than Dina.

Dina’s heart clenched as she remembered that Jesse had predicted this exact scenario when she first came to Jackson, over five years ago. Turned out that he was right, as usual.

_You should be here with us, Jesse. You should be here, teasing me and saying that you were right all along. You should be here, making things easy for me._

Cadence, who was not privy to Dina’s thoughts, of course, returned her greeting in a jovial tone. “Hey Dina! That was amazing. I should have brought him to you ages ago.”

Dina blinked, willing herself out of her thoughts and back into the conversation. “I uh…I think the blanket did most of the work.”

“No way, you were great! He looked so safe the second you held him. I’m glad I came back here instead of doing another loop around town.”

“Well now that he’s settled, you can go on and do a loop right to your school,” Anne instructed.

“Aw come on mom! Dina just got back, can’t I stay here today?”

“Cadence...” 

“Pleeeease? Just this one time?” 

“Cadence. I said that you can help me out in the clinic if you want, but only before and after school.”

“They’re only doing classes for a couple of hours anyway! They want to finish early today for the fune—”

Cadence clamped her mouth shut, but it was obvious what she was going to say. She glanced at Dina apologetically.

Anne’s face softened. “I know. But your teachers were very kind to organise any lessons at all today, so that’s a couple of hours that I still want you to be there for. Thank you for helping this morning, but go on now.”

“But mom—”

“ _Cadence_.” Anne’s tone was firm this time. “Honey, you know the deal when it comes to this stuff. What I say, goes.”

Suddenly, Dina felt a lump appear in her throat. She had gotten more-or-less accustomed to hearing Anne use the same term of endearment as her own mother’s favourite used to be. But that, combined with the same line her mom used to use as gentle correction when she was misbehaving, plus Cadence’s slip-up over the reason that Jackson’s school was running a short schedule today...it was too much.

Thankfully, Anne’s statement seemed to finally convince Cadence to concede. All attention was on her as she huffed and left the clinic. Dina took advantage of those few seconds to recompose herself.

“Teenagers, am I right?” Anne said with a strained chuckle after her daughter had left. “Only I could have a kid whose idea of ‘rebelling’ is doing too much volunteer work with her mom.”

Dina managed to laugh lightly in response. “I wonder where she gets that work ethic from.”

They went quiet as the baby in the corner of the room burbled. But he didn’t wake — he simply squirmed for a second then continued to sleep.

Dina gave Anne a puzzled look. “Whose baby is that anyway? Is he okay?”

“Oh he’s fine. He’s twelve weeks old, so at the age that’s right at the tail end of colic. He was fine before he started fussing a couple of hours ago.”

“Oh. So Cadence was just...watching him? Since when does the clinic do babysitting?”

“We don’t. This was a last-minute favour. Something at the dam needed emergency repairs, and there was no one around to watch him.”

Dina’s heart skipped a beat. _Of course_ it had to be the son of the town’s engineer. She cleared her throat. “Oh uh, that’s Rosemary’s boy? Benjy? He’s gotten so big already.” Dina didn’t miss the way that Ellie stilled next to her the moment she said the name.

A lot happened in Jackson on the day of Joel’s murder. When they had finally arrived back in town with his body, they found the clinic already in a state of chaos. Dina had been the one to go in to assess the situation.

Someone had slipped on the iced-over main road and was nursing their injuries, while two patrol members who had failed to find shelter when the snowstorm had blown through were being treated for hypothermia. But by far, the person commanding the most attention in the room had been Rosemary, who had gone into labour that morning and was on the verge of delivering her baby.

It was no environment for them to bring Joel in, so Dina ended up waiting with Ellie and the horses outside until everything calmed down.

Of course, Dina knew that Ellie harboured no resentment for the woman and her child. It was just horrendously unfortunate timing. But the agonising wait outside, with Ellie staring listlessly at the ground, and both of them trying their best to not look at the body slung across Dina’s horse a few feet away from them, had felt even worse than the ride back from the ski cabin.

Eventually, they had been able to get Joel’s body down from Japan, and brought him into the clinic’s private exam room so he would be away from the others. It was in that room that Anne had the terrible task of officially pronouncing his death, as if there had been any doubt before. It was in that room that Ellie had to sign off the Jackson births and deaths register, right underneath where Rosemary had documented her own new arrival only minutes earlier.

And it was that room that Ellie’s eyes had swung to the second that Dina had identified the colicky baby.

Evidently, the sudden shift in the mood of the clinic didn’t go unnoticed by Anne. She cleared her throat, gestured for them to take a seat on one of the nearby beds, then cleared her throat again before starting to gently speak. “That was a bit of an abrupt wake-up call for poor Timothy. But I must say, I’m glad he’s cleared out. This would normally be a conversation we’d have in the private room, but seeing as it’s just us now, we can talk here if you’d like. Up to you.”

Dina glanced at Ellie, who was still staring at the door to the private room. “Here is fine.”

Anne nodded and pulled over one of the visitor chairs for her to sit down in. She considered Dina’s belly for a few seconds before fixing Dina in a steady gaze. “What happened?”

“I’m sure you’ve heard already.”

Anne nodded again. “I have. A bit. But I’d much rather hear from you.”

Dina took a deep breath. “It’s...it’s Jesse’s,” she whispered. She was yet to say his name without her voice cracking, and this was no exception. But then she felt a warm hand slip into hers. She looked to her side and realised that Ellie had finally tore her gaze away from the private exam room. There were tears in her eyes, but she nodded in encouragement.

“We’re keeping it,” Dina said as she held Ellie’s eye contact. She felt Ellie squeeze her hand, and her heart filled with the gesture of support.

“That’s your choice?”

Dina turned to face Anne again. “Yes,” she said definitively.

“To be honest with you, I’m glad to hear that. You’re way out of the safe window. It would have been tricky.”

Dina nodded. She had had a very similar conversation with Ellie on their journey home.

“Well,” Anne continued, “in that case, I assume you’re here for a check-up.”

“Yep.” It was the first time that Ellie had spoken in a while, but her voice was steady as she answered Anne. “Both of them, please.”

“Great! Wait right there, I’ll go grab some things.”

Anne stood up and disappeared into the back part of the clinic. While they waited, Dina turned to Ellie to gauge how she was doing.

“You okay?”

“Benjy was a surprise.”

“Yeah.” Dina paused before repeating her question. “You okay?”

“I thought this check-up was for you, not me,” Ellie joked quietly.

Dina raised her eyebrow in lieu of repeating her question one more time.

Ellie sighed and dropped her gaze. “Yes, I’m okay. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but I know that it’s important.”

They were silent for a moment, then Ellie took off her backpack and unzipped it. She pulled out Dina’s baby book, opening it on her lap and fanning out the pages. She soon found the spot where Dina had left a pen wedged between the pages — the double-page spread near the end of the book with the progress chart that Dina had been dutifully filling in. She ran her fingers across the chart, lingering on the first row that was labelled _‘Appointments/scans’_.

“About time we had something to write in there,” Dina said quietly, gesturing at the pen. “Could you take notes on what Anne says?”

“Sure.”

As if on cue, Anne returned with a metal tray. She set it down on the bed beside them, and Dina was surprised to see only two instruments. One, she easily recognised as a stethoscope. But the other was unfamiliar to her — it was almost shaped like a handgun, but instead of a barrel there were two round flattened blades that looked like a duck’s bill.

“As usual, we’ll have to do things in a pretty low-tech way,” Anne said apologetically. “Unfortunately, I left the ultrasound machine in my other pair of pants.”

Dina smirked at the joke and pretended not to notice Ellie clearing her throat beside her.

“One of these days, I’ll finally manage to convince Maria to get a group out to one of the big hospitals,” Anne continued wistfully. “The rural ones around here have been completely stripped, but surely they’ll have better luck in the cities. Somewhere like Billings or Salt Lake City, I dunno.”

This time, Ellie flinched, and Dina turned to her. But she simply waved her off and held the baby book out to Anne.

“Believe me, we have no idea what we’re doing,” Ellie said as Anne took the book from her and looked over the progress chart. “Anything you can do will already be a huge help.”

“Wow, this is really detailed,” Anne noted, an impressed tone to her voice. “Nice work.”

Dina blushed at the praise. “Thanks. I just wrote what I could. I don’t know what a lot of this stuff means. Like Ellie said, we need all the help we can get.”

Anne gave the book back to Ellie, who got her pen ready to take notes.

“Well, before we get started...Dina hangs around the clinic enough for me to know that she’s good with the medical stuff. But I’ve had soon-to-be fathers come through who blast clickers to shreds every day without a second’s thought, then go weak at the knees the second their partner’s water breaks,” Anne said, then turned to Ellie. “What about you? Are you a fainter?”

Ellie returned her level gaze without hesitation. “You don’t need to worry about me.”

Anne squinted, taking a moment to assess Ellie’s response. “Oh really?” She paused. “Mucus plug.”

Ellie shrugged. “Dina’s got one. A gelatinous cork that’s sealing the opening to her uterus,” she replied in a steady tone while maintaining their eye contact.

Anne was quiet for another moment. “Well, I’m convinced,” she said with a light laugh. She broke their eye contact first and turned to Dina instead. “You’ve found yourself a good one.”

Dina smiled and lightly bumped Ellie’s shoulder. “I certainly have.”

\---

Anne proceeded to take Dina through a thorough checkup. Unlike Ellie’s brief joke the day before, there was a lot more to it than looking at Dina and declaring ‘yep, you’re pregnant.’

They started with measuring Dina’s height, weight, and circumference of her belly. Ellie dutifully took down the numbers as they went, as well as noting Anne’s comment that everything was within the expected range.

Next was a series of light exercises and stretching. Everything was fine until Dina tried to lift her arms over her head, which triggered a twinge in her shoulder.

“Ah fuck,” she swore, lowering her arms and quickly dropping into a chair as a painful spasm rippled across her shoulder.

Anne looked at her in alarm, but Ellie got to her first, gently working her thumb around the tense muscles until they started to settle.

“Sorry. Forgot to mention this sucker,” Dina eventually managed to get out. She nodded at Ellie, who released her shoulder and turned to Anne to elaborate.

“Arrow wound. It’s almost two months old now.”

Anne raised her eyebrows. “Can I see?”

With Ellie’s help, Dina pulled her shirt over her head. Anne bent down, assessing the pair of scars marring her chest and shoulder blade. “Who did the stitches?” she asked, turning to Ellie. “You?”

Ellie nodded meekly.

Anne pursed her lips before nodding in approval. “Not bad.”

Ellie’s cheeks flushed. Dina gave her an encouraging pat on the arm as she helped get her shirt back on.

“Okay, what next?”

Anne steered her back to the bed and directed her to sit down. She pulled on a pair of latex gloves then picked up the strange instrument from her tray. “Ever seen one of these before?”

Dina shook her head and looked over at Ellie. She shook her head as well, then took a seat on the bed beside her.

“It’s called a speculum.” Anne held up two of her fingers and slipped the paddles of her instrument between them. As she turned a wheel with her thumb, the paddles gradually separated and pulled her fingers apart. “I’m sure you get the idea.”

Dina screwed up her face in response.

“I know. I won’t lie, this is going to feel weird. It’s definitely the most unpleasant part of all this. But on a scale of one to ten, with one being you just sitting there doing nothing, and ten being…” Anne trailed off, waving a hand in the air as she tried to think of an apt comparison.

“Fucking a clicker?” Ellie suggested helpfully.

“Ellie!”

“No, actually that’s a good one,” Anne said with a chuckle. “Okay, that’s your scale. This shouldn’t be any more than a five or a six. Any more than that, and you need to tell me, okay?”

Dina nodded, starting to feel nervous for the first time since starting the checkup. But she followed Anne’s instructions to undress her lower half.

Ellie must have sensed her sudden onset of nerves — after getting the okay from Anne, she set herself up behind Dina on the bed, so when Dina laid back, her head was resting in Ellie’s lap. Ellie reached for her hand and gave it another reassuring squeeze.

Anne pulled her chair up to the edge of the bed. “Alright Dina. When you’re ready, knees up and deep breath.”

Dina took a moment to prepare herself, then did as Anne asked. She winced as she felt the cold metal slide up into her, but tried to concentrate on the warm hand that was holding hers. She glanced up at Ellie, who was watching Anne work at the end of the bed.

But Dina needed a distraction. She tugged on Ellie’s hand to regain her attention. When Ellie looked down at her, she pulled again so Ellie would lower her head closer.

“Distract me,” Dina requested quietly.

“With what?”

“I don’t know. Anything.” Dina paused. “No stupid jokes though.”

“Well there goes my only idea.”

Dina tsked. In the silence that followed, she could hear the clicks of the wheel as Anne slowly turned it to open the speculum.

_One...two...fuck fuck three…_

Dina grimaced, tightening her grip on Ellie’s hand.

“Okay okay,” Ellie whispered hurriedly. “Uh...I’ve been thinking about our plan.”

“Our plan?”

“Yeah. The farmhouse?”

“Oh right.”

“Okay. Um...chickens? Yes or no?”

Dina thought for a moment. “Yes. Let’s do chickens.”

“Great. Cows?”

“Hmm. Too much work and space. Probably not.”

“Good point. Horses?”

“Depends how far away from Jackson we are. It’s probably a good idea. We’d just need one though.”

Ellie nodded her approval. “How about sheep?”

“Oooh yeah, let’s do sheep! It would be good to have our own source of wool.”

“Sounds like a plan, farmer Dina.”

Dina grinned, then sighed in relief as she felt the speculum returning to its closed state rather than opening further. She couldn’t help counting the clicks as the wheel turned.

_Eight...nine...ten._

Of course, her mind jumped immediately to the night before, when she also found herself counting to ten. She had been in a _much_ more pleasant situation then. She looked up at Ellie with a cheeky glint in her eye, and craned her neck so her mouth was right beside Ellie’s ear.

“Do you...do you think she can tell what we got up to last night?” Dina whispered.

“Oh my god Dina! You are shameless,” Ellie hissed, her cheeks turning bright red.

“There’s nothing shameful about a healthy sex life, girls,” Anne called out from the end of the bed.

Dina snorted and looked down. “Oops, sorry. I said that too loudly, didn’t I?”

Anne waved her off and stood up, holding the speculum in her hand. “All done here,” she said, giving her a thumbs up between pulling her gloves off. “You did well.”

“Thank fuck,” Ellie said, shooting Dina a look as Anne returned her instrument to the tray. “Sorry you had to hear that, Anne.”

Dina grinned. “Hey, _you_ brought up fucking a clicker.”

“That was giving a useful suggestion to a medical professional.”

“Whatever, clicker-fucker.”

Anne, who had been watching their short exchange with amusement, finally cut in. “How long did it take you to get back here from Seattle?”

Dina blinked, caught off guard by the sudden change of subject. “Uh, just over two months.”

“And Tommy was with you two the whole time?”

Dina nodded. “Why?”

Anne shook her head with a smile. “Can’t say I blame him for going straight to the bar after two months of this.”

Anne laughed as they both spluttered in indignation, then waved at the clothes at the end of the bed to indicate that Dina could get dressed.

Dina grabbed her underwear and pants, hopping around on one foot as she pulled them on. “How did I do?”

Anne reached for the tray, picking up the stethoscope this time. “Really well. Didn’t see anything of concern down there.”

Dina looked up at Ellie. “See, what did I tell you? Womb of steel.”

Ellie smiled — a small smile, but it was the first one Dina had seen since they had left her house that morning — and retrieved the baby book from behind her. She turned to the progress chart, pen in hand.

“Womb...of...steel,” Ellie sounded out as she added the comment to her notes. Then she patted the mattress beside her and Dina sat down again, watching as Anne warmed the end of the stethoscope between her hands.

“Remind me what week you’re on?”

Dina glanced over at the book in Ellie’s hands. “Almost week seventeen. But uh, we were working with pretty rough dates for everything.”

“I understand. Well, it might be a bit early for this, but it’s worth a try.”

“What is?”

Anne didn’t answer — instead, she stuck the earpieces into her ears and gestured for Dina to lift her shirt. After Dina pulled her shirt up over her belly, Anne placed the stethoscope flat against her skin, pausing to listen for a few seconds before sliding it to a different spot and listening again.

After moving it a few times, Anne paused for longer just to the right of Dina’s belly button. She furrowed her brows as she listened intently, then broke out into a grin. Keeping the end of the stethoscope pressed into the same spot, Anne pulled the earpieces out and held the headset towards Ellie.

“Me?” Ellie asked, a hint of surprise and nervousness in her voice.

Anne nodded and pushed the instrument into her hands. After a moment, Ellie took it and put the earpieces in. Dina watched her chew her lip in concentration for a few seconds. Then, just as Anne had done, she looked up at Dina with a beaming smile.

“ _Holy shit_ ,” Ellie said, then listened some more. “Oh my god Di, you have to hear this!”

Ellie pulled the earpieces out and nestled them snugly in Dina’s ears. Dina nodded her thanks and looked down at her belly again.

At first she could just hear a dull roaring, like being inside during a snowstorm. But then she closed her eyes to better focus on the sound, and soon could hear more — it still sounded like a snowstorm, but now there was a muted sound...almost like a window shutter that had been left unlatched, and was flapping back and forth in the wind.

She opened her eyes and quickly looked between Anne and Ellie. “Is that what I think it is?”

Anne smiled and nodded.

Dina swallowed and closed her eyes again, completely mesmerised by the flutter of her baby’s heartbeat. It was faster — a lot faster than she had assumed it would be — but there it was. Clear as day. Proof that there was something real growing inside of her.

As she listened, a different sound started in the background. It was another rhythmic noise, but this one was much deeper and slower. It gradually increased in volume until it matched the heartbeat she was still listening to. But then, much to Dina’s dismay, the fast fluttering noise faded away, leaving her only with the deep booming one.

Dina frowned, pulling out the earpieces as she opened her eyes again. “Wait, what happened? Where did it go?”

Anne lifted the other end of the stethoscope away from her belly and gave her a gentle pat on the shoulder. “Nothing to worry about, Dina. That’s why I let Ellie listen first. I’m guessing that you got pretty excited and could hear your own heartbeat?”

Dina pouted. That must have been the deeper noise that had come in later.

Anne chuckled quietly at her reaction. “It’s not a vacuum in there. Your little bub would have heard it too, and turned to get closer to you. We could hear the heartbeat before because they were closer to us.” She put the stethoscope back on the tray. “I know you said that your timings were rough. But it’s a great sign to hear a heartbeat at this point.”

Dina nodded, glad she could at least hear it for a little bit. She turned to Ellie, who still had the earlier grin on her face.

“That was fucking awesome,” Ellie said in agreement.

“And don’t worry,” Anne continued, giving both of them a kind smile. “Give it another month or two, and there’ll be no hiding. You probably won’t even need a stethoscope to hear it by then.” She stood and picked up her tray. “I don’t have any lollipops, but I think that was a pretty good treat for you anyway?”

Dina emphatically nodded.

“I thought so,” Anne said with a laugh. “We’ll sort out a schedule for regular checkups, but that’s enough for today. Do you have any questions?”

Dina glanced at Ellie, who shook her head.

“Great. Oh, Rosemary brought a basket of fruit when she dropped Benjy off this morning. A bit of an apology gift, I suppose. Do you two want a bite to eat before you head out?”

Dina smiled. Some things never changed, like Anne’s incessant desire to always keep the patients under her care extremely well-fed. “Absolutely.”

\---

They left the clinic in high spirits.

Despite a belly-full of blueberries and baby, Dina felt lighter than she had been for months. The confirmation that there was something real and actually happening in her stomach was indescribable. She just wished there was some way to record that sound and listen to it again.

“That wasn’t as bad as I thought.”

Dina looked over at Ellie with a cheeky smile. “Of course not. You just sat there the whole time.”

“Hey! I totally helped, come on.”

“Alright fine, I suppose you did. _And_ you impressed Anne, which is pretty hard to do. Like, _mucus plug_ — where did THAT come from?”

Ellie groaned and her cheeks turned red. “Oh my god, don’t remind me! I can’t believe I kept a straight face when Anne brought it up.”

“Neither. I hadn’t realised you were paying that much attention when we read the baby book together.”

“Well, how the hell could I forget? Do you remember what I said when we first read that section?”

Dina chuckled at the memory. “Yeah, what was it again? A grosser combination of words than…”

“Pickle-flavoured coffee.”

“That’s right!” Dina said in delight as she snapped her fingers.

“And I stand by that statement,” Ellie said, wrinkling her nose. “But,” she paused. “I also meant what I said, Di. I’ve fucked up so much already...this is one thing I want to do right.”

Dina smiled at Ellie’s sincerity. She really was trying. “You definitely haven’t fucked this up yet,” she said kindly.

Ellie blushed in response, and they continued walking along in comfortable silence. That is, until— 

“So I think I should start dating Anne.”

Dina stopped dead in her tracks. “What?!” she exclaimed, turning to Ellie in alarm. To her surprise, Ellie was grinning at her.

 _“‘What I say goes’? ‘On a scale of one to ten’? ‘I left it in my other pair of jeans’?”_ Ellie said in a mocking tone, tapping her chin with her finger. “Now _where_ have I heard those before?”

Dina attempted a glare, even though she had a vague idea where Ellie was going with this. “What are you talking about?”

“ _You_ always give _me_ so much shit for stealing material. I can’t believe that the wise-cracking girl that _I_ fell in love with has completely stolen her wits from someone else.”

It was Dina’s turn to blush. “Oh, fuck you!”

“Well? Am I wrong?”

“I mean...for starters, Anne learned that first one _from_ me,” Dina replied in a huff. “I was doing a shift with her one day, and Cadence was being an unrelenting little shit. I told her that Anne loves and respects her, but while they were in the clinic, what her mom says, goes. She finally stopped after that.”

Ellie twisted her lips together, considering. “Ugh, fine. I suppose I can believe that, seeing as it worked on her this time too.” She scuffed her shoes on the ground for the next few paces. “Cadence...plus Benjy back there...how the fuck are you so great with kids?”

Dina shrugged. “I’d like to think that I’m great with everyone, actually.”

“You’re not fucking humble, that’s for sure.”

Dina grinned at her. “I’m just a terrible liar.”

“Yeah, you really are.” Ellie paused a beat before continuing. “No objections for the other two then?”

Dina adopted a matter-of-fact voice. “Ranking things on a scale is a strategy commonly used in medicine, but it is also often used for a variety of other situations.”

Ellie narrowed her eyes. “Uh huh. And the pants thing?”

Dina paused. “...Sometimes Anne just says funny things,” she said eventually, slightly miffed. 

She was hardly the only sponge who soaked up turns of phrase from people around her. Off the top of her head, she could name at least five mannerisms that Ellie had picked up from a certain gruff Texan.

But she kept that to herself. It wasn’t the day for such things.

Instead, she just took a deep breath and feigned defeat. “You’re right, I probably got that one from her. But if you break up with me for Anne, I will kill you.”

Ellie laughed in response. Like the smile from earlier, it was the first time that Dina had heard Ellie laugh since they left her house this morning.

She had missed the sound.

She had missed _this._ The soft ribbing, the rapid-fire banter, the lighthearted moments. They had been so few and far between since…since… 

And suddenly, the moment was over. It felt like a bucket of cold water was dumped over her as she remembered where they were going next. Their final stop for the day.

It was probably good timing anyway. They were nearly there.

Dina took a deep breath. Together, they rounded the last street corner and finally reached the cemetery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recently I’ve been thinking about Dina’s relationship with Jesse. I’d like to think that he was a really good source of grounding and comfort for her, after living most of her life outside of the safety of Jackson’s walls.
> 
> If you’ve followed me on tumblr for any length of time, you would probably guess that I have a deep appreciation for him. That dude wakes up every day and drinks a big ol’ glass of respect women juice. I’m glad the writers gave us a legitimately kind character like him. I’m so tired of seeing the same old ‘jealous ex-boyfriend who’s resentful of their bi ex now being in a wlw relationship because they think that says something about them’ plotline. It’s one of those tropes where, if I never see it again, I will certainly not miss it.
> 
> Even though he’s gone, I think that Dina still learned a lot from him. Like...how Dina is a big source of support for Ellie, I think was something that Jesse did for Dina too.
> 
> Anyway, just a slightly unrelated sidenote. Point being, definitely missin’ my boy Jesse. Especially in the next one.


	8. The send-off

“Woah,” Ellie said in a low, steady voice. That word in that tone was something that she normally reserved for bringing horses to a halt. But here, the effect was the same — they immediately stopped and stood in front of the cemetery gates.

They had planned on getting there early to catch Jesse’s parents before the ceremony. But to their surprise, there was already a crowd gathered on the gravel paths that wound their way between the headstones.

Ellie turned to Dina and looked into her eyes. “Are you going to be okay? There’s already a lot of people…”

Dina took a deep breath and nodded. “Yes. I’m...in control.” She smiled gently. “I’m choosing to be here.”

The corner of Ellie’s mouth turned up, and she squeezed Dina’s hand. “Good,” she murmured. “Let’s go?”

Dina nodded again, and followed Ellie into the cemetery.

\---

Eugene’s grave was tucked away in a quiet corner to the right of the gates. Dina briefly stopped by to say a quiet prayer for him. She picked up a stone from the ground and balanced it on top of Eugene’s headstone, joining the others that she had placed there during her previous visits.

After a few seconds of silence, Dina raised her eyes to Ellie, an unspoken question of whether she wanted to visit Joel too. Ellie took a deep breath, then shook her head. Dina nodded her understanding and stepped away from the grave, rejoining Ellie on the path. She took Ellie’s hand and led her deeper into the cemetery.

\---

They found Jesse’s parents standing near a wooden gravestone bearing Jesse’s name, and a plot of freshly turned earth. Of course, it was purely symbolic — there was no body to bury. Still, as they approached the couple, Dina eyed the exposed dirt wearily — it felt far too symbolic of her renewed feelings of grief.

“Glad you two could make it,” Robin said warmly, greeting each of them with a hug.

Dina tore her eyes away from the disturbed ground. “Of course,” she replied gently, “wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Samuel was standing beside his wife, holding the flowers they had gotten from the markets that morning. “Ellie. Dina.” He said their names like he was doing a roll call, pausing and nodding to each of them in turn.

As with many people their age, Jesse’s parents didn’t talk much about their lives before the outbreak. But Dina knew that they had both been school teachers, and had met when they taught at the same elementary school in inner-city Denver. After Outbreak Day, they had spent a long time in the Denver QZ, but eventually left and settled in Jackson with a young Jesse. There, they helped Maria in setting up the schoolhouse for the kids of the town.

When Dina herself ended up in Jackson, she sat in on a number of Robin and Samuel’s lessons. Despite being at least four years older than the rest of her classmates, and despite Jesse and Ellie’s incessant teasing, Dina genuinely appreciated the opportunity to learn about the things that she had missed during her childhood.

It was usually a quiet source of amusement for Dina to watch how Robin and Samuel carried themselves in their daily lives. They were both so passionate about their jobs, which inevitably meant that their teacher-like mannerisms spread beyond the classroom. On any other day, she would have cheekily responded ‘present’ at the sound of her name. But here, she simply returned Samuel's curt nod.

Ellie, meanwhile, had shrugged off her backpack and had stuck her hand inside. After a moment, she pulled out the carved piece of root and presented it to Jesse’s parents, accompanied with an explanation of its provenance.

Robin stretched her hand out and traced her son’s name with her fingernails. “That’s a lovely gesture, Ellie. Thank you. Is it for his grave?”

Ellie nodded and held the root out to them, but Samuel shook his head. “How about you lay it down during the ceremony?”

Ellie hesitated for a moment, then pulled her outstretched arm back towards her body. “O—okay. Yeah I can do that.”

Dina thought about how Ellie had been at Joel’s funeral. She hadn’t said a single word; she had just stared at his gravestone for the entire thing. Dina silently thanked Jesse’s parents for giving her something to do that didn’t require her to speak.

Robin turned to Dina next. “Dina love...we were wondering if you wanted to do the closing story.”

Dina blinked in surprise. “Me?”

Robin nodded. “I wasn’t showing favouritism in my classes, you know,” she said lightly. “You really do have a way with words. We understand if it’s too much, but the offer is there.”

Dina ducked her head, feeling her cheeks flush slightly. She wasn’t used to receiving praise for creative endeavours — that was normally Ellie’s forte. Certainly, Ellie was the one with an eye for art and an ear for music. But perhaps they both had a mind for literature. “Thank you. I...I’d love to.”

Robin lifted her hand to Dina’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze, then looked around them. At this point, the people milling about had started to converge on their area of the cemetery. Robin waved everyone over, a signal that they were about to start.

\---

Jackson funerals were relatively simple.

They all gathered in a rough circle around Jesse’s grave, mindful of the other headstones and plots in the vicinity. Then, one by one, each person stepped forward and shared a story or a memory of Jesse.

His parents started them off. They spoke about their time as a young family before they lived in Jackson. Robin described those difficult years using flowing prose. In contrast, when Samuel picked up the story, he focused more on the events themselves, and how their young son was the driving reason for them to leave the Denver QZ and try to find a better life.

Both styles of storytelling were equally captivating and beautiful. There was respectful silence when the couple finished talking, with various people around the circle nodding in response to their words.

After Samuel placed his flowers in a vase next to the gravestone and returned to his spot in the circle, Maria stepped forward. She spoke in her usual proper and assertive tone — if it had been anyone else, it might have come across as cold — but the emotion and respect was clearly carried by her words. She spoke about Jesse’s role in their community as one of the main patrol leaders. She expressed her admiration for his selflessness and courage when he went to Seattle. Then, Maria raised a hand to her throat, fiddling with a golden pendant hanging from a delicate chain. After a long pause, she thanked Jesse for being the reason that her husband, her niece, and Dina were there with them today.

“It does look like real gold, doesn’t it?” Ellie whispered beside her as the people around them echoed their agreement with Maria’s statements.

“What?”

“Wait...shit. Sorry, I had forgotten that you weren’t there for that conversation.”

Dina shot her a confused glance. She was about to ask for clarification, but then the next speaker began.

A woman who Dina didn’t recognise stepped forward next. She recounted the time Jesse helped her free her wagon that had been caught in a rut in one of Jackson’s many unpaved roads. That inspired Aaron, the chief stablehand, to recount the time where Jesse helped him chase down and wrangle a horse that had bolted from the stables.

Gale jumped in after, sharing an amusing story about the day Jesse’s family arrived in Jackson. She painted a vivid mental picture of a scrawny little kid, staring gobsmacked at all of the children’s toys and books up for grabs at the trading store, then turning to his parents with teary eyes to ask if there were any ration cards spare for him. At that point, Gale had assured him that ration cards were things of QZs, and QZs only, and challenged him to take all the toys and books that he could carry.

Dina turned to Ellie as the crowd laughed in response to the story. Ellie hadn’t joined in, but she did manage a small smile when she caught Dina looking at her.

“That’s a sweet story,” Dina said quietly.

“Yeah,” Ellie agreed, absent-mindedly fiddling with the carved root in her hands as she watched the people in their little circle.

Dina was tempted to ask Ellie how she was feeling, but was also very aware of the power of that question today. Dina herself knew that her limit for exchanging pleasantries and accepting condolences was starting to wear thin. It was no fault of the people of Jackson, of course. But there were only so many times that she could give the same response to the ‘how are you feeling?’ question before it started to lose meaning.

Instead, Dina kept quiet, returning her attention to the group. Her heart couldn’t help but swell as even more townspeople followed with their stories. It seemed like every single person in Jackson had a connection with Jesse. She glanced over to his parents, who were listening to the stories with pride in their eyes.

There was Declan, who expressed gratitude for Jesse being the first person who welcomed him the day he found Jackson. Then Rosemary, who evidently fixed the issue at the dam and was now holding a sleeping Benjy in her arms, went next. She thanked Jesse for his endless patience with her lists of parts, which he was always happy to keep an eye out for while on patrol.

Eventually, Tommy indicated that he wanted to speak. After a good-humoured comment about how Maria already said everything he wanted to say, Tommy recounted one of the patrols he had done with Jesse. He spoke about how a routine sweep of a nearby mall had quickly gone south, and he found himself trapped in a shoe store with infected closing in from all sides. That is, until Jesse burst in, guns blazing, to save him just in the nick of time.

The attendees around them responded to Tommy’s story with murmured words of admiration and praise of Jesse’s bravery. This time, Dina was the one to direct a question to Ellie. “He doesn’t look hungover at all. Or is he just really good at hiding it?”

Ellie chewed her lip, considering the man on the opposite side of the circle to them. “Yeah, but he’s got a tell. Watch his hands.”

Dina followed the instruction, paying attention to Tommy as the man next to him started to speak. Tommy nodded along to his story about the time Jesse helped him patch a hole in his garage roof. Then, right as the man finished speaking, Tommy raised a hand to his chest, subtly scratching and fiddling with the edge of his jacket.

“Hair of the dog,” Ellie muttered. “I’d bet my guitar that there’s a flask in that pocket.”

Dina frowned, but could hardly judge Tommy. Clearly, they each had their own ways of coping with this mess. Who’s to say that his way was any less valid than what she was doing — that is, keeping a banal running commentary to distract from the fact that it was getting closer and closer to her turn.

There were still more people who wanted to share though. Next was a woman and a young teenage boy. Dina also didn’t recognise them, so she guessed that they were recent additions to the Jackson community. But by their behaviour and body language, the woman looked like she was the mother of the boy. He was standing in front of her, and she hugged him from behind as she started to speak.

She started by thanking everyone for being so kind and welcoming to her and her son when they arrived in Jackson a couple of years ago, confirming Dina’s guesses about them in the process.

Then, the woman spoke about how Jesse had been on patrol when he found her son lost in the woods. She explained that her son had sleepwalked away from their camp one night, and what followed were the worst days of her life as she looked for him. But, they were immediately followed by the best day of her life — another patrol group found her and brought her to Jackson, where she was reunited with her son, and they both found a place to call home.

“Sleepwalker…” Dina repeated quietly, the story vaguely stirring something in her memory. “Wait, weren’t you there for that too?”

Ellie nodded, watching as the mother and son tearfully embraced each other. “Yeah, we were doing the valley route together. But Jesse was the one who calmed that kid down.”

Dina nodded thoughtfully. It took her a moment to realise that no one was speaking. She cast her eyes around the circle, checking that there was no one else who wanted to share a story.

Ellie took that as her cue to step forward. Wordlessly, she moved around the grave, then leaned her carved piece of root up against the vase with the flowers. She gave Jesse’s parents a thankful nod, and Dina a compassionate smile, as she returned to her spot on Dina’s right.

In the silence that followed, Dina’s gaze drifted to Robin, who was standing almost directly across from her. She gave Dina a nod and a small wave, signalling that it was time.

It was like all the air left her lungs at once. Dina froze, the carefully prepared story escaping her mind instantly as the attention of everyone in the circle turned to her.

Dina shifted back and forth awkwardly, staring at Jesse’s gravestone as she tried to remember what she was going to say. She took a shaky breath to buy her some time. But then, she felt Ellie move closer so she was standing shoulder-to-shoulder with her, and Ellie subtly reached down to hold her hand.

The gesture gave Dina the strength to finally speak.

“I…uh…” Dina started, her voice quivering slightly. _“Shit,”_ she said in a whisper, so quiet that only Ellie could have heard her.

She felt Ellie run her thumb across her knuckles soothingly.

 _Gentle, gentle_ , Ellie’s action seemed to say.

Dina swallowed and started again. “You all have such wonderful stories and...I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you all have to be here today.”

A gentle squeeze.

 _Stay in the light_ , she heard in Ellie’s voice again. _Talk about him._

“Jesse is—”

Dina’s tongue tripped on the incorrect tense.

Another squeeze.

_Don’t worry. Just a little slip. Try again._

“Jesse was kind.”

The grip on Dina’s hand loosened slightly, but was still holding onto her steadily.

_That’s it._

“He was honest. He was gentle. He was humble. He was generous.”

Dina felt Ellie shift their hands so she could lace their fingers together.

_You’re doing well. Keep going._

“Maybe too generous sometimes. He couldn’t help taking on problems that weren’t his.”

Dina tried to laugh, but it came out strained. She felt Ellie’s grip tighten again.

_Slipping again, but it’s okay. That line was something between just the three of us anyway._

“Sorry.” Dina took a breath. “Jesse...Jesse loved Jackson. He loved you,” she said, directing the statement towards Robin and Samuel. They smiled, tears in their eyes. Dina looked around the circle. “He loved all of you.”

Another squeeze, then Ellie relaxed her hand.

_He loved you too._

Dina could feel Ellie’s thumb move again. This time, it lightly pressed into the inside of her wrist, and Dina knew that Ellie was feeling for her pulse point. With a watery smile, Dina remembered another heartbeat from earlier in that day.

“I’m probably stating the obvious here, but for anyone who hasn’t figured it out...this is his.” She ran the hand that wasn’t holding Ellie’s across her belly. Despite the loose-fitting clothes she had picked up at the trading store, her bump was still prominent enough for all to see.

“I wish he could be here for this, but he’s not.” Dina’s gaze drifted from the root propped up against Jesse’s gravestone to the upturned dirt beneath it.

_He’s not there._

This time, it wasn’t Ellie’s voice. It was Dina’s own. But she sounded younger. Like she was recalling a memory, rather than hearing the voice inside her head.

Dina paused, replaying the words again.

_He’s not there._

_He’s not there._

Something about it sounded wrong.

_He’s not there._

_I am not there._

Dina’s eyes widened as the mis-remembered line suddenly corrected itself.

It _was_ a memory.

It was one of the first lessons she attended at Jackson’s school — a poetry unit with Robin.

_You really do have a way with words._

Dina remembered the sunny afternoon when she flicked through a book and found it. It wasn’t the poem she ended up memorising to present to the class, but she remembered it all the same.

_I am not there; I do not sleep._

Dina took a deep breath as more and more lines surfaced in her mind. It took a few seconds, but eventually it was like she was staring right at the page with the poem.

With a quiet but clear voice, she began.

“Do not stand at my grave and weep,  
I am not there; I do not sleep.”

Everyone in the circle around her went completely still. Dina glanced at Robin one more time, then closed her eyes so she could focus on the words.

“I am a thousand winds that blow,  
I am the diamond glints on snow,  
I am the sun on ripened grain,  
I am the gentle autumn rain.”

Dina wasn’t a poet. She had only read the poem in her head before now. She could hear her unsteady voice pausing in the wrong places, her intonation slipping in and out of iambic tetrameter as she said the poem out loud for the very first time. Still, the warmth of Ellie’s hand in hers gave her the strength to continue.

“When you awaken in the morning's hush  
I am the swift uplifting rush  
Of quiet birds in circled flight.  
I am the soft stars that shine at night.”

Dina opened her eyes again. She paused, looking around the circle one more time before saying the final lines.

“Do not stand at my grave and cry,  
I am not there; I did not die.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye.
> 
> Took me over a week to write this one. Channeling my inner Joel here, but...did I do okay?


	9. A bump in the night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My favourite OC is back, but in less fortunate circumstances than we’ve seen her previously.
> 
> While not strictly necessary, it might be useful to re-read [chapter 4 of From the edge of the universe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26281306/chapters/64864804) before this one.
> 
> The following tags have been added to this fic: blood, injury. Also, I should warn that abuse and terminal illness are mentioned here, but they are only discussed very briefly so I haven’t tagged them.

There was a hushed silence after Dina had finished reciting the poem. Eventually, Samuel thanked everyone for coming, then the crowd gradually dispersed away from the cemetery. Jesse’s parents caught Dina and Ellie on the way out and invited them to have dinner at their house the next night. They accepted the invitation, then parted ways.

The sun was still up when they returned to Dina’s house. The emotional exhaustion that followed Jesse’s memorial was weighing heavily on both of them, so, after Ellie quickly cleaned up her earlier mess with the pots and pans, they mutually decided to have an early night. Dina started on a simple dinner while Ellie went upstairs to get a new set of sheets. By the time she had made up their bed, returned downstairs and set the table, Dina was already dishing their meal out into bowls.

“Thanks,” Ellie said as Dina brought both bowls to the table.

Dina bent down for a brief kiss before taking a seat across from her. They ate their food in silence, both wrapped up in their thoughts of the day that had just passed.

Ellie stopped eating first, laying her spoon down on the table as she gave a low sigh. She sat quietly as Dina continued eating, watching her with unfocused eyes between slow blinks.

“Thanks for helping me today.”

Dina’s words stirred Ellie out of her daze. “Hmm?”

“For everything today,” Dina repeated, reaching across the table to hold Ellie’s hand. “Thank you.”

“I didn’t do anything…” Ellie said, trailing off uncertainly.

Dina squeezed her hand. “You did,” she said decidedly. “Even if you don’t think so, you did.” She gave Ellie’s hand a gentle pat, then resumed eating.

After she finished, Dina collected both bowls from the table, saying nothing when she saw that Ellie had left half of hers behind. She could feel the small burst of energy that had sustained her through preparing their dinner running out right as she took their bowls back to the kitchen. She simply added them to the growing pile of dishes in the sink, putting off the chore for the next morning.

Together, they trudged upstairs. Dina was far too tired to even contemplate a shower and, judging by the way Ellie slunk into their bedroom without sparing the bathroom door a glance, her girlfriend was feeling the same.

They did at least manage to swap their funeral clothes for their pyjamas before crawling into bed and pulling up the covers. Dina had optimistically brought the baby book upstairs, intending to review the notes that Ellie had taken during the check-up earlier that day. But she abandoned that idea the second she got into bed, placing it on her bedside table instead.

Dina was pretty sure she fell asleep before her head even hit her pillow.

\---

It was pitch dark when Dina woke up. Her first instinct was to blame her increasingly unreliable bladder for rousing her. But after running a quick mental assessment of her body, she couldn’t find any urge or discomfort calling for her attention.

Then, Dina felt a violent jolt coming from the other side of the bed. Her heart sank.

It was one of _those_ nights.

She rolled over, groaning slightly when her top-heavy belly flopped over while the rest of her was still mid-turn.

“El,” Dina whispered.

There was no response, only the feeling of more shuddering and jerky movements beside her.

“Ellie,” Dina said at a slightly higher volume. She hated how waking Ellie up from a nightmare already felt so routine. Like something that she would never stop having to do.

This time, she got a moan in response. Dina reached out into the darkness, searching for a shoulder or arm that she could hold onto and gradually pull Ellie out of whatever horrendous scenario her mind had trapped her in this time.

However, Dina overshot the angle of her approach. She felt her fingers hit the squishy skin of Ellie’s cheek a moment before her palm collided with something much firmer. Judging by the way it gave way under the force, Dina realised that she had just smacked Ellie in the nose. Hard.

“Shit.”

All plans of gently waking Ellie flew out the window as warm blood hit her wrist. Dina brought her other arm up, scrabbling to hold Ellie’s face as she felt even more blood rush from her nose.

But then Ellie screamed, and Dina realised that despite the hit, Ellie was still somehow trapped in her nightmare. Dina pulled an arm away, moving it to flick on the lamp on her bedside table instead.

The room was instantly filled with a soft yellow glow. With the newfound light source, Dina could see that although the lower half of Ellie’s face was covered in blood, her eyes were still screwed shut as she tossed and turned on the bed. She was panting, the sound growing wetter and wetter as more blood entered her open mouth.

“Ellie?!” Dina cried in alarm as her girlfriend continued to mindlessly thrash beside her.

Ellie went to scream again, but this time there was too much blood in her mouth. The sound was cut off as she started to choke, which finally managed to jerk her awake.

Ellie’s eyes flew open and she coughed out the blood that had collected in her mouth. She went to curl in on herself, pulling her arms towards her stomach and tucking her elbows in. However, when she tried to bring her legs up, one of her knees caught Dina in the stomach.

“Oof,” Dina wheezed as all the wind was suddenly knocked out of her. She tried to draw in air, but could only open and close her mouth helplessly as her lungs refused to expand.

Thankfully, Ellie seemed to be coming to her senses. She stopped wildly looking around the room, instead locking on to Dina on the other side of the bed. Her eyes widened as she saw Dina’s state of distress.

“Diba?!” Ellie said in alarm, her blocked nose and the blood still in her mouth making it difficult to speak. She sat up, ignoring the rush of blood that accompanied the movement. She tugged on Dina’s arms with frantic hands as she tried to help her up.

Dina gasped for breath as her diaphragm continued to spasm, but she held her arms out to Ellie. Although their hands were slick with Ellie’s blood, they managed to lock onto each other’s wrists, and Ellie pulled her up with a groan.

Dina doubled over, the shift in position letting her suck in a shallow breath. She clutched her chest and grimaced as her protesting lungs finally filled with some air.

“Oh by god, oh by god, oh by god.”

Dina felt the mattress shift behind her as Ellie got up and rushed around to her side of the bed. Ellie knelt on the floor and clutched at Dina’s arm as she managed to take a few more panting breaths. When Dina turned to look at her, she saw that Ellie had tilted her head back and pinched the bridge of her nose in a bid to stop it from bleeding.

“No—Not back,” Dina managed to get out between gasps, “Ellie...forward.”

Somehow, Ellie heard her through all the pain she must have been in. She dropped her head forward, pulling up the collar of her flannel to try to catch the blood that came out. Dina swung her legs around so she was sitting on the edge of the mattress, pulling the bedsheet with her and bundling it up under Ellie’s nose to do a better job than her shirt collar. She gently pinched Ellie’s nostrils closed, muttering a quiet apology when Ellie winced beneath her fingers.

Dina shivered now that the lower half of her body wasn’t covered by the warm sheet. But they held that position for a few minutes, Dina continuing to catch her breath while Ellie waited for her nose to stop bleeding.

However, now that her lungs weren’t screaming for air, Dina noticed something that she hadn’t before.

Her underwear was wet.

Almost at the same time, Ellie drew in a sharp breath. “Oh _fug,_ ” she said in a strained whisper.

When Dina glanced down, she could see that Ellie was looking between her legs in anguish.

Dina moved her hands away from Ellie’s face. She lifted herself off the mattress, ignoring the ache of her abdominal muscles as she pulled her shorts and underwear down.

They were spotted with blood.

“Fuck.”

Ellie stood up, panic-stricken. “Whad do I do?! Diba, you godda dell me!!” she said frantically, her hands shaking as they hovered over Dina’s thighs.

They locked eyes.

“Go get Anne.”

\---

It took Ellie less than a minute to run out of the house. After the door slammed shut and the crunch of Ellie’s shoes against the gravel path faded away, Dina was alone.

Of course, Anne had to live on the other side of Jackson. Ellie was a fast runner, but the darkness and her bloody nose would definitely slow her down. She would take at least ten minutes to cover the distance to Anne’s house. Factoring in the time to wake Anne up, plus to get her back to Dina’s…

Dina frowned at the conclusion of her quick mental math: she had a good thirty minutes of waiting in the agonising silence ahead of her. She shifted her position slightly, but remained sitting on the edge of her bed. She gripped the mattress with her hands, trying to settle her still laboured breathing and thumping heart.

Taking as deep a breath as she could only earned her a twinge of protest from her aching diaphragm. She exhaled in a huff.

Her next attempt was a less-ambitious lungful of air. That strategy was slightly more successful, and after a few more rounds of breathing, Dina’s reward was that she no longer felt like she was about to pass out.

Next, she looked down at her hands. They were still covered in Ellie’s blood. Dina grimaced and reached for the sheet that she had held against Ellie’s nose earlier.

As she wiped the worst of the blood from her hands, her mind decided it was appropriate to replay the moments after she had woken up.

The sickening crunch of cartilage as Ellie’s nose hit against her palm. The rush of hot sticky blood onto her hands. The agonised scream.

Dina grimaced and tossed the sheet to the floor before turning her attention to her belly. She took a breath, steeling herself before lifting her shirt up with shaky hands so she could assess the situation.

_Fuck._

She had to crane her neck to see it, but a bruise had already formed near the bottom of her belly, just underneath her old skateboarding scar. Dina ran her hand down her stomach, her heart clenching as she passed the same spot that she had heard the baby’s heartbeat earlier. When she reached the bruise she probed it with a finger, wincing as the tender skin twitched under her touch.

_How much time has it been? Has Ellie reached Anne’s house yet?_

Dina regretted not having a clock in her room. She tried having one in there originally, but moved it to her living room because of its loud ticking. Now, she could only guess how much time had passed since Ellie had left.

She hunched over, balling her fists and curling her toes in frustration. However, this new position meant that she now had a view of her underwear and shorts, which were still pooled around her ankles.

 _There’s not **that** much blood_, Dina tried to reason with herself after staring at them for a moment. _You’ve had it worse on the first day of your period._

She stared for a bit longer.

_Yeah, but you aren’t trying to keep a baby alive on the first day of your period._

She stared even longer, this time with a frown.

_Not **fucking** helpful, Dina._

She pulled her feet free of her shorts and underwear and kicked them out of her sight.

She cast her eyes around her bedroom, looking for something — anything — to distract her. Her eyes landed on the baby book sitting on her bedside table.

 _‘Chapter 20: When There’s A Problem’_ — it was a chapter she hadn’t read since La Grande, back when they were travelling through Oregon. It had been hard enough for her to work up the courage to read it back then. Now, considering how real the contents of that particular chapter suddenly felt, she couldn’t even bear picking up the book.

_Complications..._

_Stop._

_Placental abruption…_

_Stop._

_Miscarriage…_

_**Stop.** _

Safe to say, Dina was failing miserably at quelling the sense of utter helplessness building within her. Of course, she knew that the only thing she could do was wait and pay attention to anything that might be useful for Anne to know…but _knowing_ something and _doing_ something were two completely different things.

Dina groaned and dropped her head in her hands, massaging her temples with her thumbs. She closed her eyes and cast her mind down to her midsection. She tried to feel for something — anything — in her stomach.

She was met with silence.

\---

By Dina’s guess, fifteen minutes had passed since Ellie’s departure when she heard the far-off sound of hoofbeats. She frowned; the noise featured regularly in her house due to its proximity to the stables, but it was too early for the dawn patrols to be heading out. And as she continued to listen, the hoofbeats grew louder, until they thundered up her street and stopped right outside her house.

“What the—”

Dina’s question was cut off by the sound of her front door crashing open. Dina lifted her head as two sets of footsteps raced up the stairs.

Ellie burst into the room first. She was still wearing her blood-soaked shirt, but she now had tissues stuffed up both of her nostrils. “She’s here,” she said breathlessly, rushing to crouch by Dina’s side. Ellie’s hands were clammy and trembling, but she still reached for Dina’s hand and pressed it between her own.

“Sorry,” Ellie murmured, dropping her gaze and gently resting her forehead on their linked hands.

Anne was a few steps behind Ellie. She had dark bags under her eyes and her hair was twisted up in a colourful sleeping cap, but she entered the room with an air of assurance and set her medical satchel down on the bed.

“Ellie told me what happened,” Anne said curtly. Unlike the lighthearted check-up the day before, she was in ‘serious doctor’ mode, and got straight to business. “Show me.”

Dina gave Ellie’s hand a brief squeeze before pulling her own hand out of their grip. As she tugged her shirt up over her belly and revealed the bruise, she didn’t miss the way Ellie flinched at the sight.

“...Right...” Anne said, mid-exhale. She smoothed her hand across Dina’s belly and pressed around the bruise. Unlike Dina’s earlier prodding, she was much more gentle. “Any tingling? stiffness?”

Dina pursed her lips. “Nothing different than a normal bruise.”

Anne nodded, looking slightly relieved. She hovered a finger above Dina’s mid-section, drawing a V in the air that ran over the bruise and joined her two hips. “It’s a low hit, so your pelvis would have absorbed a lot of it. I would worry about a bone bruise, but...if it feels okay, the chance of that is pretty small.”

Anne gingerly pulled her shirt back down. Dina could see her eyeing the blood-stained bed sheet on the ground. “I _am_ worried about that though.”

“Thad’s mibe,” Ellie said quietly, waving at her nose with a grimace.

Anne nodded her understanding and turned to Dina again. “Okay, how much blood _was_ there?”

Dina gestured in the direction that she had kicked her shorts and underwear earlier. “Sorry. Over there.”

Anne got up from her half-crouch and walked over, spotting the discarded garments bunched up against the wall. After assessing them for a moment, she returned to Dina’s side. At least she didn’t look more worried than before.

“Have you had any cramps? Abdominal pain...um, like a twisted gut-type feeling?”

Dina sucked in her lips in thought. “I lost my breath at first,” she explained uncertainly, “but after that...I don’t think so?”

Anne exhaled. “That’s a really good sign. I will check though, if that’s okay.”

Dina nodded, watching as Anne reached for her satchel and took out her speculum and a pair of latex gloves. As Anne pulled the gloves on with a snap, Dina saw Ellie flinch again out of the corner of her eye.

“Alright honey. You know the drill now.”

Dina slowly lay down so her back was flat on the bed, her legs dangling off the edge. Ellie moved around to the other side of the bed so she was near Dina’s head. She reached for Dina’s hand, but unlike during the check-up, Ellie didn’t sit up on the bed. Instead, she simply knelt on the ground beside her.

Like Ellie felt that she didn’t deserve the comfort.

Dina’s heart clenched at the thought.

This time, Dina barely felt what Anne was doing as she examined her. Her mind was again replaying the moment she struck Ellie.

The hit. The blood. The scream.

Dina blinked as she realised that she was tightly gripping Ellie’s hand. She forced herself to relax her fingers, tilting her head back to give Ellie an apologetic look.

But Ellie seemed to be in a daze. Her eyes were completely glazed over, and she hadn’t reacted at all to Dina freeing her from what must have been a painful grip.

“Ellie?” Dina said cautiously.

Ellie blinked a couple of times and her eyes came back into focus. She looked down with worry. “Sorry. Does id hurd?”

“No…” Dina paused, brows furrowed. How the fuck was she going to say this? “Um... _I_ was hurting _you_.”

Ellie gave her a confused look, so Dina gently lifted their linked hands up to examine the damage.

Dina could see clear imprints of her fingers where they had been wrapped around Ellie’s hand. She could even see where her fingernails had dug into the soft flesh of Ellie’s palm.

Ellie stared at her hand, seemingly with surprise, for a few seconds, then returned her attention to Dina. “Sorry,” she whispered again.

Dina frowned. Ellie shouldn’t have been the one apologising. She was about to say as much, but then she felt Anne finish up at the side of the bed.

“Okay,” Anne said, pulling off her gloves. While Dina slowly sat up again, Anne retrieved a bath towel hanging off of Dina’s closet handle. She gently lay it across Dina’s lap and around her hips to preserve the remaining shreds of her modesty.

Finally, Anne looked at both of them with an even gaze. “I know it looks really scary, but I think the baby’s going to be fine.”

Dina could have died from relief then and there. She let out a large breath, feeling her tense muscles finally relax after spending so much time on edge. “Really? There was so much blood…”

“I know. It looks like your mucus plug got a pretty big jolt,” Anne explained. “That’s where all the blood came from.”

Dina glanced behind her to see whether the return of the awkward medical term would prompt any sort of levity in Ellie’s mood. However, she just looked like she had returned to her earlier dazed state, nodding dumbly in response to Anne’s explanation.

“But as far as I could see,” Anne continued, “it’s intact.” She stood, reaching out to give Dina’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “Thankfully, evolution decided to take a ‘cart-before-the-horse’ approach to baby-making. Your placenta is basically good to go already — it’s just waiting for the baby to catch up.”

Anne vaguely waved at Dina’s stomach. “At this point, that means that there’s a lot of cushioning around your bub. It’s like…” She paused, presumably to think of an appropriate comparison “…like built-in airbags. And like I said, it was a low hit, so your pelvis was like a crash helmet for everything in there.”

Suddenly, Dina heard a loud braying sound coming from outside. She looked between Anne and Ellie in confusion, but neither of them seemed surprised by the noise.

“Ellie?” Anne asked with a raised eyebrow.

Ellie blinked slowly, like she was in a trance, but still answered Anne. “The horse…”

“Yes, the horse,” Anne said patiently. “How about you go see to him? I’d say that the patrollers would like him returned now. Don’t worry, we’ll wait for you to come back.”

Ellie nodded and got up. “I’ll...go see...horse,” she echoed in an almost dream-like voice. She was almost at the door before she suddenly looked back at Dina.

“Go on, I’ll explain,” Anne said gently, waving her off.

Ellie still hesitated.

“They’re safe,” Anne added. “Both of them.”

Finally, Ellie nodded and left the room. When the sound of her footsteps on the stairs faded away, Anne turned to face Dina again.

“The horse?” Dina asked, her confusion outweighing her worry after Anne’s reassurance that the baby would be okay.

Anne fiddled with the balled-up pair of gloves in her hand. “I’m pretty sure that girl of yours woke up half of Jackson getting to my house,” she started lightly. “She borrowed a horse rather than running everywhere.”

Dina nodded her understanding. That explained the earlier hoofbeats, and how they had gotten back so quickly.

“He was already saddled, so I assume someone was getting him ready for the dawn patrols when she got to the stables. I imagine they got quite a fright when she came in asking to borrow him,” Anne continued with that steady tone of hers. “She was a mess when she got to my place, Dina. She almost broke my door down with her knocking.”

“I’m sorry that we woke you,” Dina said apologetically.

“No, that’s not…” Anne stopped herself, then started again. “I wouldn’t be doing this job if I didn’t love it. And I know that this sort of stuff is part of the deal.” She sighed and gestured at the bed. “May I?”

Dina nodded, checking that there wasn’t any stray blood on the sheets beside her before Anne sat down. Anne laced her fingers together, staring at them thoughtfully.

“I was only a few years into my medical training when Outbreak Day happened,” Anne said eventually. She looked up at Dina, fixing her in an even gaze. “But I still remember being taught how to send a partner out of the room if I suspected that abuse was happening.”

Anne said it so calmly, in such a matter-of-fact way, that it took Dina a few seconds to process what was just said. But once she did, she reeled back in shock.

“What?!” Dina exclaimed, incredulous. “Fuck Anne, that’s not what happened!”

Anne raised her hands, palms out, in a calming gesture. “Please Dina, I know. Do you think I would have let Ellie be here until now if I thought that was the case?”

Dina slightly relaxed the muscles that had seized up in response to Anne’s statement. She fiddled with the frayed edges of the towel on her lap. “Right. I guess not.”

“Right,” Anne echoed quietly. “But do you know what her first words to me were when I opened my door?”

Dina shook her head, but a small part of her already knew what the answer was.

“She said she hit you, honey.”

Dina squeezed her eyes shut.

Once more, the sequence of events played out on the inside of her eyelids.

The hit. The blood. The scream.

She opened her eyes.

“That’s not what happened,” Dina repeated in a low voice. “If anything, _I_ was the one that hit _her_. But that — and everything else — was all a huge accident.”

“I know. But I don’t think I’m the one who needs convincing.”

Dina swallowed, then nodded. “I know,” she echoed bitterly.

Anne rubbed Dina’s arm soothingly, then her eyes slid over to Dina’s bedside table. “Yesterday, during your check-up...I couldn’t help but notice…” she said, trailing off as she reached for the baby book and flicked it open. Eventually, she found the page with the progress chart.

Anne smiled at the notes that Ellie had written the day before. But then Dina’s breath caught in her throat as Anne’s finger ran across one of the lower rows of the chart.

The book’s author had included a row titled ‘Mood’, presumably to help expectant mothers track things like mood swings. But when she found the book, Dina had repurposed the section by drawing a horizontal line through it and noting down both her and Ellie’s temperament using a crude scale of smiley faces.

While for Dina, this row was almost exclusively a cohort of neutral or happy faces, Ellie’s row was heavily biased towards faces of the morose variety. There were even a fair few angry ones scattered along it.

Anne tapped the page with her finger thoughtfully. “You girls are so young...and you’ve been through so much…” she sighed. “It’s not right.”

Dina eyed the chart with a pained expression. Anne was a doctor for both of them, and yet it still felt wrong to lay Ellie open like this. The closest thing she could relate it to was tattling on her girlfriend to a teacher that they both liked. But of course, this felt far heavier than that.

“I know it’s your book, but don’t forget that Ellie was the one who showed me this page yesterday,” Anne said, like she had just read Dina’s mind. She closed the book and returned it to the bedside table before looking at Dina again. “You know her far better than me, but...even _I_ know that someone would have better luck getting blood from a stone than getting that girl to talk about this stuff.”

After a pause, Anne absent-mindedly tugged at a braid that had fallen out of her sleeping cap. “The last thing I want to do is sound patronising, but...have you considered that Ellie — whether she’s aware of this or not — wants help, but doesn’t know what help she needs?”

Dina frowned. It was good that Anne had started with a disclaimer; otherwise, she might have taken offence to her seemingly off-hand statement. Because of _course_ Dina had considered that. Every single damn day since Seattle—since Joel’s death, even. What she _didn’t_ know was what the fuck she was supposed to do about it.

“I...uh, sorry. Did I overstep?” Anne asked awkwardly, evidently interpreting Dina’s silence as disagreement.

“No, it’s just…”

Dina blinked. It wasn’t often that she found herself at a loss for words, but at that moment, she honestly didn’t have a clue what she was supposed to say.

“It’s okay,” Anne said gently, squeezing Dina’s arm. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t a fair question. If you had an answer, I’m pretty sure you’d be the first person in human history to do so.”

Dina placed her elbows on her knees and cradled her head in her hands. “When did everything get so hard?” she mumbled.

It was a rhetorical question that Dina had directed to the floor, but Anne answered anyway. “September 26th, 2013.”

Dina snorted. Anne was one of the few people old enough to have lived through Outbreak Day who was comfortable talking about it. She took a moment to listen to their surroundings, but didn’t hear anything that suggested Ellie was on her way back to the house. She lifted her head and looked over at her doctor.

“What was it like?” Dina asked quietly.

Anne took a moment to consider. “Hell,” she eventually replied. “Absolute hell.” She sighed, stretching her fingers out along her knees before curling them into a tight fist.

It was a gesture Dina recognised all too well.

“I was doing my clerkship at a teaching hospital that day. It was one of the smaller ones, so we weren’t sent any Cordyceps patients before people realised what was happening.” Anne sniffed. “You’d think that would have been a good thing, but it also meant that we weren’t evacuated.”

Dina blinked. “Wait, really? They just left you to fend for yourself?”

“Essentially, yeah. Imagine me, a medical student, left to run the palliative care ward. It...it wasn’t fun.”

Dina cocked her head at the unfamiliar word.

“Oh uh, palliative care…” Anne scratched her chin in thought. “It was for people who got diagnosed with really serious conditions. Some cancers, motor neurone disease, end-stage kidney disease,” she said, listing them off on her fingers, “you name it. There might still be a chance of curing them, or there might not be. But no matter their outlook, you always focused on managing symptoms and improving quality of life.”

Anne sighed, her eyes adopting a far-off look. “After the outbreak...it quickly devolved into the kindest, cruelest waiting game. I...I lost my first patients when the meds ran out.” She winced as she recalled the clearly painful memories. “The worst was when the oxygen lines ran empty a few days later. We managed to keep the power going, at least. For the families that had stuck around...eventually the only thing I could do was give them ice chips to feed to their loved ones.”

Anne looked at Dina carefully. “It gave them something to do, you know? Sometimes that’s all you _can_ do — give them some sort of control over the situation, even if it’s just the tiniest thing. You give them as much agency as you can, and hope like hell that it’s enough.”

She paused for a long time before continuing.

“I shut down the ward when I was the only person left.”

Dina felt a tear at the corner of her eye. She raised a hand and ran a fingernail under her lower eyelid, subtly wiping away the wetness gathered there. “Pall-i-a-tive care,” she said, quietly sounding out the new word. She paused. “Before the outbreak...for the people that didn’t have a chance of being cured...why didn’t you just…”

It was perhaps crass, but she finished her question by raising a finger gun to her temple.

Anne gave her a gentle smile. “The world was a much kinder place back then, honey. Not in every way, mind you. But in so, so many ways that counted.”

Dina furrowed her brows. Stories of the past had always interested her, but she was struggling to understand Anne’s definition of kindness for that situation. Those people had the clock against them. Of course, the outbreak changed everything, but...even before the world turned to shit, why was it considered kind to drag out suffering when there was no hope?

Dina’s throat thickened at the realisation that, unlike her, her sister and mom would have certainly seen the value of this palliative care thing.

After a pause, Anne continued speaking. “Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have any ill-will for the people who didn’t come back once we realised how bad it was — both my coworkers and the families of my patients. When we realised that help wasn’t coming...I figured that I had one last job to do. And I made damn sure that I did it well.”

Anne took a shuddering breath. “I didn’t have Cadence back then,” she said, her voice wavering slightly on her daughter’s name. She looked down at Dina’s belly with a watery smile. “These clueless little idiots change you, Dina. They change you a lot.”

“Everything that came after that palliative care ward...being a medic in the Denver QZ...coming here...helping Tommy and Maria set the clinic up…” Anne tilted her head up, seemingly unbothered by the tears that were now flowing freely down her scarred cheek. “I didn’t think I’d be around for any of it. But Cadence...she made it all worth it. You know?”

Now Dina was crying too. Wordlessly, Anne reached into her medical satchel, rummaging around for a bit before pulling out a few loose tissues. She handed one to Dina, who pressed it into her eyes.

“For what it’s worth…” Anne raised a tissue to her own face. “For all of this...I’m glad that you have Ellie, and that Ellie has you.”

Dina turned the tissue over in her hands, using the other side to blow her nose.

“I don’t know what it says about my bedside manner that you end up crying every other time I see you,” Anne whispered, gently squeezing Dina’s knee. “Nothing good, probably.”

Dina managed to chuckle between sobs. “Sorry. I’m...I’m just trying to process the realisation that I’ve been taking the advice of someone who never even finished medical school.” She looked up at Anne with a wobbly smile. “Isn’t it illegal or something for you to call yourself Doctor Simmons?”

“Technically? Yeah. Feel free to report me to the board whenever you want.”

Dina laughed wetly, then blew her nose again.

The noise masked the sound of her front door opening. It was only when Ellie appeared at the doorway of her bedroom that Dina realised she was back from the stables. She must have had a fresh nosebleed during the short trip — there were even more tissues stuffed up her nose, spotted with bright red blood rather than the rust-like stains on the tissues she had there before.

Of course, the first thing that Ellie saw was Dina and their doctor, sitting on the bed and crying their eyes out. Ellie’s eyes widened and she rushed towards them in alarm.

“Whad happened?! You were supposed to geep her sabe!!”

Anne held a hand up, the power of her gaze enough to stop Ellie in her tracks. “She _is_ safe, Ellie. Everything is fine.”

Ellie frowned, waving at their faces accusingly. “Whad’s all this then?”

“We’re crying because for the past hour, you’ve sounded absolutely preposterous,” Anne said evenly. She stood and gestured to where she had been sitting. “It’s your turn to play patient. Sit.”

Ellie shuffled over, dropping onto the bed with a huff. “I do dot sound bre—breb—brebosderous.” She cringed. “You used thad word on purpose.”

“Uh huh. Now, perhaps I’ve forgotten, but I don’t recall ever giving a first aid class where this was a suggested treatment for a bleeding nose,” Anne said, a hint of disappointment in her voice as she gently pulled on the offending tissues.

“I imbrovised,” Ellie grumbled, wincing slightly as the tissues stuck to the inside of her nostrils.

“It’s going to start bleeding again when I pull them out.” Anne cast her eyes around the room, eventually moving towards the discarded bedsheet on the floor. “Are you going to try and salvage this?”

Dina assessed the bloody mess that the sheet had become, then shook her head.

“Great,” Anne said, turning the sheet over in her hands until she found a clean part. “Hold please,” she instructed, pressing the bundle into Ellie’s arms.

“I already did this with Diba,” Ellie protested weakly.

“And did it stop?” Anne asked, raising her eyebrow knowingly.

“Well yeah id did, bu—”

“—But this time you’re not going to immediately sprint to the stables and race a horse across town.”

Ellie sighed, but finally tilted her head up so Anne would have a better angle. “Just do id.”

Anne rested a palm against Ellie’s forehead to keep her still, then used her other hand to swiftly pull the tissues out of her nose.

“Mudderfugger!” Ellie yelled, holding the bedsheet up as fresh blood started to flow.

Anne tilted Ellie’s head forward and waited for any residual clots to make their way out, then gently moved Ellie’s hand so she would pinch her nostrils shut. “Ten minutes, then we’ll check.”

Ellie nodded unenthusiastically, but held steady in her assigned position.

Anne gave her a pat on the shoulder then returned to her satchel, this time pulling out her stethoscope before turning to Dina.

“While we wait...I have this, but I have low hopes for it. Although, I guess we’ve been lucky with you once before,” she said as she stuck the earpieces into her ears and slid Dina’s shirt up.

Anne took her time looking for the baby’s heartbeat. She roamed around Dina’s belly, taking care to avoid the bruised area.

After several minutes of stopping, listening closely, then resuming the search, she shook her head. “No dice. Someone’s still got plenty of adrenaline running through them,” she said as she pulled the earpieces out.

Dina pouted, but wasn’t surprised. She didn’t even need a stethoscope to know that her heart was still pounding. There hadn’t yet been a chance for her to settle from the dramatic events of the night. “Sorry.” She attempted a laugh, but it came out strained. “The womb of steel has terrible acoustics.”

Again, Dina looked over to Ellie, hoping the reference would lighten her mood. But Ellie seemed to have returned to her earlier dazed state — she was staring at the bruise on Dina’s belly with unfocused eyes.

This time, Anne noticed Ellie’s disposition too. But unlike Dina, she wasn’t subtle about it. “Oi, mom-to-be,” she called, waving a hand in front of Ellie’s face. “Are you with us?”

The clearly unexpected title snapped Ellie out of her renewed stupor. She quickly nodded, wincing slightly as her fingers slid around her nostrils.

Anne motioned for Ellie to keep her nose pinched shut, then gently stuck the earpieces of the stethoscope into Ellie’s ears. She pressed the other end onto Dina’s belly again, gesturing for silence so Ellie could listen.

After a minute or so, Anne took the stethoscope back. “I have a job for you.”

The statement was directed at Ellie, but Anne briefly gave Dina a look.

“That’s Dina’s heartbeat. It’s all you can hear right now.” Anne held the stethoscope out. “But when she’s calm, I want you to find your bub’s one with this. You heard it best when we were at the clinic, so you know what to look for.”

“Bu—”

“No buts. You’ve seen me do this a couple of times now. I know you can do it.”

Ellie still looked hesitant, but she took the stethoscope out of Anne’s hand. Anne gave her a nod of approval, then looked at Dina.

“As for you...I don’t want you to push yourself. I’m strongly suggesting bed rest until tomorrow afternoon. Just in case.” Anne looked out the window. “The clinic’s closer than my place, so I’m going there to sleep now. But if you feel any cramping, see more blood, or if there’s any unusual swelling, you send someone for me _immediately_. Okay?” She unclipped a small radio from the back of her belt. “Use the radio chain. It’ll be faster than running.”

Anne was referring to the handheld radios that the most important people of Jackson carried with them at all times. Dina mentally ran through the list, ultimately landing on Maria as the best point of contact: she lived near the clinic, and even if they needed help when she wasn’t home, her duties generally meant that she wasn’t far from the heart of the town.

Anne held the radio out to Ellie, but Ellie gave her a helpless look, her eyes darting between her occupied hands.

“Ah right. Sorry.” Anne placed the radio down on the bed. “I’d say that it’s been ten minutes now anyway. Let’s take a look.”

Anne gingerly eased Ellie’s fingers away from her nose. She watched closely as Ellie’s nostrils popped open, smiling in satisfaction when the bloodflow didn’t resume.

“Better?”

Ellie gently flared her nostrils then nodded. “Feels weird, but yes.” There was still a hint of congestion to her voice, but it sounded much more normal compared to before.

“Good. Now I don’t want you pushing yourself for the next few days either, okay? Take it easy.” Anne paused to give Dina a subtle wink. “Doctor’s orders.”

Anne handed Ellie the radio again. Then, she bent over to give both of them a hug before packing up her satchel, slinging it across her shoulder, and heading out the door.

\---

After Ellie waved Anne goodbye from the top of the staircase, she returned to the bedroom. Dina was standing off to the side, looking in dismay at her second set of sheets ruined in as many days. The contrast between the two circumstances was disconcerting; It was hard to imagine that less than 24 hours ago, her bed had been a site of pleasure and tender affection for them.

Still, they needed to sleep somewhere.

“Those were your only spare sheets, weren’t they?” Ellie asked beside her.

Dina nodded in response.

Ellie sighed and looked down at her blood-stained shirt. The clothes in Dina’s house that could fit Ellie were already in short supply, so basically half her wardrobe was now down for the count. She reluctantly pulled off her red flannel, swapping it for the dark one she wore for the funeral instead.

Meanwhile, Dina approached her bed for a closer assessment. She was pleasantly surprised to find that most of the damage was confined to either Ellie’s pillow or the sheet on the floor; apart from that, there was only a small red spot on Dina’s side that hadn’t been caught by her shorts. It would be easy to avoid that area for one night.

However, the heady smell of blood in the air was less easy to ignore. Dina collected the offending items — their stained sleepwear, Ellie’s pillow, and the bed sheet — then turned to Ellie. “I have spare pillows and a blanket in the linen cupboard. They’ll do for tonight. Can you grab them while I deal with these?”

Dina stopped to gather a new set of pyjamas and underwear from her dresser, then headed to the bathroom. She would throw out the bloody items the next day, but for now, she dumped them into the bathtub. She quickly used the detachable shower head to rinse off the residual blood between her legs, dried herself off, then pulled on her new pyjamas.

When Dina stepped out of the bathroom, she almost ran into Ellie in the hallway. She was holding a pillow, but Dina could see over her shoulder that the new blanket was already spread across their bed.

Dina’s eyes narrowed. “Where are you going?”

“Oh uh…” Ellie rubbed the back of her neck. “I was thinking that I should sleep on the couch.”

Dina blinked. “Absolutely not.”

“Di…”

Dina crossed her arms. “No way Ellie. You’re supposed to be calming me down, not the fucking opposite of that.”

“But I don’t—”

“You heard what Anne said. The baby’s fine. There’s nothing to worry about.”

“She said it was _probably_ fine.”

“We’ve dealt with far worse odds than that before.”

“But—”

Dina grabbed Ellie’s hand and pulled her back towards the bedroom, leaving no more room for argument.

Or so she thought.

Ellie held her ground at the doorway. “Dina, no.”

The guilt in her voice sliced through Dina like a knife. She stopped, turning around slowly to face Ellie’s pained expression. “Ellie, it’s okay.”

Ellie shook her head, tears gathering in her eyes. “No.” Her bottom lip was trembling.

Dina stepped closer to Ellie, holding her arms up hesitantly. “It’s okay,” she repeated quietly.

“No,” Ellie whispered, almost choking on the word.

But Ellie didn’t move away, so Dina gently pulled her into her arms.

“It’s okay.”

Although Ellie was taller than her, she folded into Dina’s embrace like a little child. “I’m sorry,” she whispered into the crook of Dina’s neck.

Dina nuzzled the crown of Ellie’s head. “It’s okay,” she said again.

Gently, gently, Dina ran her fingers through Ellie’s hair. Her pinky caught on a snarl, which she gingerly teased apart before resuming the soothing motion. She started to slowly sway them from side to side, alternating between lightly kissing Ellie’s temple and whispering the same two words over and over again into her ear.

Eventually, Dina moved them towards the bed, keeping a steady hold of Ellie the whole way there. She left Ellie standing next to the bed so she could move around to her side and slide in under the blanket. Dina made sure Ellie was watching her as she lay on her side and propped the spare pillows around her belly, forming a barrier of sorts.

“See? It’s okay. It’s safe. Come to bed.”

Although Ellie still looked uncertain, she got in. She adjusted the new pillow on her side, then lay down facing away from Dina. There was still a large gap between them — Ellie must have been lying right on the edge of the mattress.

Dina knew that Ellie was already doing a lot by simply getting back into bed with her. She didn’t want to push her by asking her to turn towards her. Still, after Dina turned off the lamp on her bedside table, she took a chance and scooted closer.

It was quiet apart from the sound of Ellie breathing through her mouth.

“Thank you,” Dina whispered into the darkness.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Dina shifted the pillows around her, making sure that Ellie could still feel the protective layer between her and Dina’s stomach, then lightly cuddled up against Ellie’s back.

“It’s okay,” Dina said one more time, then tumbled into an uneasy sleep.


	10. R&R

The next morning had the audacity to be warm and sunny. Dina usually loved those kinds of mornings: she was an early bird, and with the direction her room faced, the summer sunrise usually coincided with her natural wake-up time.

Usually.

Dina squeezed her eyes shut against the unwelcome brightness. She could already tell that she was waking from one of those sleeps that seemed reasonable in terms of hours spent asleep...but the _quality_ of those hours had been abysmal.

She still felt so tired, that it was like she hadn’t slept at all.

Dina couldn’t exactly roll over and bury into her pillow — the option of lying on her stomach was one that hadn’t been available to her for a while now — so instead, she lifted her head slightly to slide her pillow out from underneath it, then pressed it against her face.

When Dina gave a quiet moan in response to the renewed darkness, she felt movement on the other side of the bed.

“Dina?” she heard Ellie whisper. The concerned tone was clear. “Does it hurt?”

Dina lifted the pillow up. “No, m’fine,” she slurred, her voice still thick with sleep. “Curtains,” she managed to add before dropping the pillow onto her face again.

Dina lay still until she heard the swish of fabric of Ellie pulling the curtains closed, then gently rolled onto her side as a dip in the mattress signalled Ellie’s return.

“Hey,” Dina murmured as she returned her pillow to its proper position under her head. While her curtains blocked out most of the light, the room was still illuminated enough for her to make out her girlfriend on the other side of the bed.

Ellie was lying down, facing her, with a hand between her head and her pillow. Her eyes were wide and searching Dina’s carefully. “Hey,” she replied cautiously.

“Did you sleep?”

Ellie hesitated.

“Ellie…”

“I’m sorry.”

Dina pressed her lips together. “You need to stop saying that.”

“Sorry,” Ellie said again before wincing. But then she set her face into one of determination. “I _am_ though.”

Dina tried to shuffle closer, but her legs got tangled up in the blanket. When she glanced down, she realised that all of it was bunched up on her side. Ellie was just lying on their bed without being covered at all.

With a sigh, Dina reached down, pulling the blanket up and gently draping it over Ellie. “I know you are,” Dina whispered. “I am too. How’s your nose?”

Ellie grimaced slightly as she wiggled her nose. The bridge was badly swollen, but at least there were no signs of blood. “It’s fine.”

Dina tried again to move closer. But while the blanket wasn’t in the way anymore, something else was: Ellie’s hand.

“Di...please.”

Dina’s gaze followed up the arm that was holding her back until she reached Ellie’s face. She searched the sombre eyes that were watching her from the other side of the bed. There was no sign of the bright spark that Dina had seen the day before, when they had left the clinic after Dina’s uplifting check-up.

_‘I’ve fucked up so much already...this is one thing I want to do right.’_

Dina sucked her lips into her mouth, considering Ellie’s earlier words. Usually, it was hard to gauge her girlfriend’s mindset when she was so closed off like this...but this time Dina could feel the guilt radiating off of Ellie in waves.

“Ellie…” Dina reached up to scrub the side of her face with her hand. “What do I need to say to convince you that you haven’t fucked up?”

Ellie was clearly not expecting the blunt question. Her mouth opened and closed as she floundered for something to say.

“I’ll say it, whatever it is. Because it’s true.” Dina looked down at Ellie’s hand, which was still pressed against her chest. It was trembling. “You didn’t fuck up. What happened was an _accident_.”

Ellie pulled her hand back, but at least she didn’t leave the bed. She just looked at Dina with pleading, watery eyes. “Can you say that you have a time machine? And that we can go back to before I hit you?”

Dina winced at Ellie’s phrasing. It shocked her now — she couldn’t imagine being Anne and having it be the first thing she heard after being woken up in the middle of the night.

What was it that Anne had said?

_‘Sometimes that’s all you can do — give them some sort of control over the situation, even if it’s just the tiniest thing.’_

Dina considered her girlfriend for a moment. “I need your help with something.”

Ellie shot up. “I’ll call for help.” She was already reaching for Anne’s radio on Dina’s bedside table before Dina’s hand stopped her.

“I need _your_ help,” Dina repeated quietly. She moved Ellie’s hand away before looking towards the door to the bedroom. “Can you go downstairs? The living room...I need a book that’s on my shelf.”

Ellie frowned. “Which book?”

“It’s got a green cover.”

“Okay…” Ellie looked thoroughly confused, but got up and headed out of their room.

Dina could hear Ellie shuffling around downstairs for a minute or so, then quiet footsteps on creaky floorboards that signalled her return to the second floor. A moment later, Ellie reappeared at her doorway, holding up a small hardback bound in felt.

“This is the only one with a green cover, but it’s a dictionary…”

“That’s the one.” Dina said, sitting up in bed and patting the mattress beside her. Ellie slid back under the covers and went to hand Dina the book, but Dina shook her head. “Can you look a word up for me? I thought I knew its meaning, but maybe I’m mistaken.”

“Uh, what word?”

“Hit.”

Ellie sucked in a breath. “Dina…”

“Please Ellie?”

Ellie looked reluctant, but opened the book and laid it flat on her lap. She thumbed through the thin pages until she found the requested entry. She again held it up to Dina, but Dina again shook her head and gestured for Ellie to read it.

“Um, okay.” Ellie cleared her throat, then started reading the definition out loud. “‘Hit’, verb: to bring a part of the body, a tool, or a weapon into contact with something or someone—” her voice cracked, “—quickly and forcefully, with the intention of causing harm.”

“Huh, interesting,” Dina mused, but did not elaborate. She finally took the dictionary out of Ellie’s hands. Her eyes scanned the entry, then she looked up at Ellie expectantly. “Your turn. What word do you want to look up?”

Ellie frowned. “Uh, confused?”

Dina rolled her eyes, but dutifully flicked towards the front of the book until she found the right page. “‘Confused’, adjective: to have uncertainty about what is happening, intended, or required; to be in a state of disorder or bewilderment.”

Dina ignored Ellie’s raised eyebrow as she passed the dictionary back to her. “Good to know. My turn again...I’m not sure what ‘harm’ means, could you enlighten me?”

Ellie sighed. She brought the two sides of the dictionary up to close it, then slid her thumbs along the edge. When it looked like she was near the same spot where she had found the first word, she slipped her thumbs between the pages and let the book fall open again.

There was a tiny flash of satisfaction in Ellie’s eyes when she saw that she had landed on the correct page on the first try. “‘Harm’, noun: physical injury, especially that which is deliberately inflicted. See: accidental versus deliberate.”

Dina accepted the book again, then looked up at Ellie patiently.

“Right. My turn.” Ellie nibbled at her lower lip. “Do you think there’s an entry for ‘I see what you’re doing’?”

Dina ran a finger along the crease formed by the two pages. She shook her head but didn’t break their eye contact.

“Fine,” Ellie eventually said in concession. “‘Accident’, then.”

Dina turned all the way to the start of the dictionary, flicking through the first few pages until she found the word in question. “‘Accident’, noun: an unfortunate incident that happens unexpectedly and unintentionally…” she paused to look up at Ellie. “...often without reason or blame.”

Dina held their gaze carefully. “Well would you look at that — we’re already in the right place for this. Can you find ‘acceptance’?”

But when Ellie reached for the dictionary, Dina gently shook her head. She closed it and reached behind her to place it on her bedside table, on top of the baby book. With her other hand, she slowly took hold of Ellie’s hand.

Dina searched Ellie’s eyes. The brilliant emerald hue that she had fallen in love with when Ellie had first shown up in Jackson had since dulled. But it wasn’t Dina’s imagination — compared to when she had first woken up, she could now see a tiny flicker of light around the edges of Ellie’s irises.

“Can you find acceptance?” Dina repeated in a voice that was barely louder than a whisper.

“I…” Ellie swallowed.

“I _know_ what I’m asking. And that it’s...a lot.” Dina squeezed Ellie’s hand. “I hate that I can’t do this for you. It’s something you have to do yourself. But...I _am_ here for you, El. You just have to be willing to try.”

And suddenly, Ellie was crying.

Like, _really_ crying.

Ellie’s shoulders shuddered with each big heaving sob. Her eyes were screwed shut, but tears were still streaming out of the corners. Her blocked nose was clearly complicating things, as every few seconds Ellie had to take a great gasping breath in before she could start on another round of sobs.

Dina turned so she was facing Ellie directly and reached her arms out. “It’s okay,” she breathed. Those two words had become somewhat of a mantra, and she said them over and over again, like they were the lifeline keeping Ellie afloat in the storm of her mind.

After making sure Ellie could feel her hands on her shoulders, Dina pulled her closer. Ellie folded into the embrace, her hands roaming up and down Dina’s back and clutching fistfuls of her shirt.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay,” Dina continued, settling into the rhythmic repetition of her mantra as she felt the front of her shirt grow damp with tears. She tangled her fingers through Ellie’s hair, and lightly ran her nails along her scalp in small circular movements.

Eventually, Ellie started to settle down in her arms. “There we go,” Dina whispered, sliding her hand down to give Ellie’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “There we go,” she said again as she felt the tension slowly release from Ellie’s trembling muscles.

They stayed like that for a while longer as Ellie’s sobs gradually petered out into the occasional hiccup.

“Can you...can you keep holding me?” Ellie asked eventually, her voice thick and muffled by Dina’s chest.

“Sure,” Dina whispered. She made sure to still keep one of the spare pillows pressed against her stomach as she slid them down to lie flat on the bed. “Is this okay?”

Dina could feel Ellie tangling their legs together under the blanket. Dina hooked her ankles around Ellie’s calves, an unspoken gesture showing that it would be impossible for Ellie to hurt her again. Dina’s heart broke at the thought, but she recognised that it was what Ellie needed to feel safe right now.

“I’ve got you. It’s okay.”

“I’m sor—” Ellie stopped herself. “Thank you,” she said instead, resting her head against Dina’s chest before closing her eyes.

\---

The next time Dina woke up, she could tell that Ellie was finally sleeping.

Because Ellie had to breathe through her mouth, every inhale and exhale was audible. Every few seconds, Dina could feel a gentle press of Ellie’s chest against her own as part of the rhythmic cycling of her breaths. The pressing sensation alternated with a gentle puff of air across Dina’s collarbone each time Ellie exhaled.

Dina lay still, both because she was trying not to wake Ellie, and also because she was completely mesmerised by the feeling of her girlfriend sleeping. She couldn’t remember the last time that she had seen Ellie sleep this deeply.

Dina didn’t dare move her head away to check, but she could easily imagine the slackened expression on Ellie’s face right now. She smiled, letting herself drift away.

She wasn’t quite asleep — it was more like a semi-lucid state of calm. But whatever it was, Dina was kept there by the thought of Ellie finally finding some peace.

\---

Of course, less than an hour had passed before that peace was disturbed. The hoofbeats of the first dawn patrol pair to return were muffled, but they were still loud enough to make Ellie stir.

Dina frowned at the interruption, although she had to admit the timing was fortunate — she needed to pee.

As Ellie gradually returned to consciousness, Dina could feel her tense up in her arms and hear her suck in a shaky breath. Dina gently tightened her hold and ran a reassuring hand along Ellie’s back. “It’s okay,” she murmured, “we’re safe.”

Ellie relaxed again in her embrace, and lightly nuzzled Dina’s chest. When Ellie pressed her ear against her skin, Dina could feel her own heartbeat slowly pulsing against Ellie’s cheek.

“Wow,” Ellie breathed, “you’ve really settled down.” She looked up at Dina’s face. “Should...should we check?”

Dina smiled, happily ignoring her full bladder for the moment to give the tip of Ellie’s nose a kiss in reply.

Ellie gently rolled out of their embrace and reached for the stethoscope that she had left on her bedside table. When Ellie was kneeling on the bed and ready to go, Dina turned over so she was lying on her back, then slowly lifted her shirt.

Ellie sucked in a breath, her hands hesitating over Dina’s stomach. Dina looked down, grimacing at the sight of the bruise. It had developed an angry purple hue overnight, making the contrast between it and the surrounding skin even more striking than before.

Still, when Ellie glanced up at her in worry, Dina’s face quickly adopted a tender expression. “It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt.”

Ellie still hesitated.

For a moment, Dina’s mind flickered with the memory of her belly pressed up against rough bark, and Ellie kneeling beside her, holding a switchblade instead of a stethoscope.

_‘Come on, don’t you trust me?’_

She had asked the question with so much confidence back then. There was hardly an ounce of that in the Ellie that knelt before her now.

Dina sighed. She reminded herself that now that they were finally somewhere safe, surely _that_ Ellie was slowly making her way back to her. It was just going to take a while. “I trust you.”

Ellie watched her carefully, considering. After a moment, she took a deep breath in and stuck the earpieces into her ears. She stared in concentration at Dina’s belly as she slid the end of the stethoscope around the surface.

Unlike Anne’s systematic search, Ellie’s movements were random and unsteady.

Dina was struck by a sudden thought.

_Fuck, what if the baby just happens to not be facing out? Ellie’s not going to believe that it’s okay. Shit shit shit—_

Dina ground her teeth together as she felt her heart start to flutter. It took every bit of her strength, but she managed to take a deep breath and make her mind go blank. She wasn’t going to fuck this up.

Thankfully, Ellie didn’t seem to notice Dina’s momentary panic as she continued her pursuit of the elusive heartbeat. After a few minutes, her hand stilled, her breath hitched, and she looked at Dina with a glimmer of hope in her eyes. “I think...I think I found it.”

Ellie listened for a bit longer, then pulled the earpieces out. But when Ellie went to give the stethoscope to her, Dina held a hand out, resting it on Ellie’s arm to halt the movement. “Does it sound the same as yesterday?”

Ellie nodded. “I’d say so, yeah.” Her face fell slightly. “But I dunno. You should probably check.”

Dina shook her head. “Ellie...I trust you.”

After giving Ellie a warm smile, Dina slid her hand down Ellie’s arm until she reached her hand, then laced their fingers together. “Besides, mama’s gotta pee. Help me up.”

Ellie looked uncertain. “Are you sure? Anne said bed rest until the afternoon.”

“I don’t think this counts.”

Dina tugged on Ellie’s hand until she eventually helped her get out of bed. Ellie trailed behind her as she waddled to the bathroom.

Dina turned around at the door, holding a hand up against Ellie’s chest. “Babe, this is a solo mission.”

Ellie nibbled on her lip and glanced at the bathroom over Dina’s shoulder. “Are you sure?”

“The romantic gesture is appreciated, but I think I can manage a toilet by myself.”

“Okay...I’ll be here.”

Dina rolled her eyes in jest, then gently closed the door. When she turned around to face the bathroom, her eyes were drawn to the bundle of stained clothing and bedding in the bathtub. Annoyingly, she had forgotten to open the window earlier, so there was the cloying smell of stale blood in the air. She quickly flicked the bathroom’s glass louvres open, then shuffled to the toilet.

As much as she had spent the whole morning assuring Ellie that she was okay, Dina still felt a spike of nerves as she sat down on the toilet and cradled her head in her hands. So, it was hard to tell what gave her a greater sense of relief: when she finally emptied her bladder, or when she looked down at her ankles and saw that she hadn’t spotted blood into her underwear overnight. Either way, she felt so unburdened that she practically floated to the sink to wash her hands.

When she looked up, Dina caught sight of the bathtub in the mirror. She twisted her lips together, considering.

_Ellie really does love that flannel..._

She dried her hands then approached the bathtub. She fished out Ellie’s red flannel from the pile and examined it carefully. It was hard to tell what was the actual dyed fabric and what was blood from Ellie’s nose, but it did look like the piece of clothing might still be salvageable.

Dina returned to the sink and pressed a plug into the bottom, filling it with cold soapy water before dipping the flannel in it. The surrounding water immediately turned red, but Dina continued pushing it underwater until the whole thing was submerged.

Dina left the flannel to soak and stepped out of the bathroom. She gave Ellie a thumbs up before heading back to their bedroom. Ellie followed behind her, helping Dina slide back into bed before circling around to her side.

It was subtle, but Dina caught Ellie sneaking glances at the stethoscope sitting on her bedside table.

“Did you want to listen some more?” Dina offered casually.

Ellie’s hand subconsciously moved towards the bedside table before she pulled it back. “Oh uh...nah, it’s okay. I’m sure it’s annoying for you.”

“It’s not,” Dina said with complete honesty. “Have at it, Doctor Williams.”

Ellie quickly picked up the stethoscope and all but jumped into bed. She gave Dina an apologetic glance when the mattress bounced them slightly, but Dina easily waved it off.

Dina slid down the bed so she was lying flat on her back, tucking the blanket around her hips before lifting her shirt again. Like before, Ellie knelt by her side and stuck the earpieces into her ears before pressing the other end against Dina’s belly.

“Make sure I didn’t accidentally pee them out,” Dina said lightly as she settled into a comfortable position.

There was something almost hypnotic about the way Ellie slid the smooth metal around her skin. Dina could feel her body getting itself ready for another doze as Ellie tried to relocate their baby’s heartbeat.

This time, Ellie’s hand only took a minute or so before it stilled about halfway down Dina’s belly, on the side facing her. She looked up at Dina with a smile and a nod.

“See? They like you,” Dina said, giving Ellie a sleepy smile in return.

Ellie stayed completely still as she listened to the heartbeat, but the way she was bending over Dina’s body must have been uncomfortable. Sure enough, after a couple of minutes, she stopped to rub at the small of her back.

Dina reached down towards her belly and covered Ellie’s hand with her own. She held the end of the stethoscope steady, but nudged Ellie’s hand until she released her hold.

“Here,” Dina said, patting her chest in invitation.

Ellie gratefully lay down, facing the ceiling like Dina but lying straight across the bed. She gently rested her head on Dina’s chest after a quick glance to ensure it was okay, then wrapped both her hands around the stethoscope’s tubing as she listened some more.

After a few minutes, Ellie frowned and she started patting the mattress around her. Eventually, she located Dina’s hand that wasn’t holding the end of the stethoscope.

Dina lazily raised a curious eyebrow as Ellie held her wrist. Then, Ellie turned to her with a look of undisguised awe.

“Okay. You trust me. I know, I know. But Di, you _have_ to hear this.”

The next minute involved quite a bit of maneuvering — first, Ellie pulled the stethoscope out of her ears and held that end in one hand as she turned herself over. Now that she was lying on her stomach, she took back control of the end still pressed against Dina’s belly, passed the headset into Dina’s newly free hand, and waited until Dina had comfortably positioned the earpieces in her own ears.

“Ellie, what…” Dina asked breathily as the sounds of them shifting around on the bed filtered through the stethoscope.

“Almost ready, just…” Ellie trailed off as she took Dina’s hand and pressed her fingers to the side of her neck, just underneath her own jawline, “...listen.”

Dina pressed her lips together and closed her eyes so she could give full attention to her other senses. After a few seconds, she recognised the familiar fluttering pulses of their baby’s heartbeat coming through the stethoscope. A few more seconds after that, she registered her own pulse pressing against her fingers at her neck.

Dina’s breath caught in her throat when she realised that every second beat of their baby’s heart was perfectly timed with the slower thump of her own. She opened her eyes to give Ellie the same wonder-filled look that Ellie had given her a few minutes earlier, then closed her eyes again.

 _Hey bub,_ Dina couldn’t help but think in her head. She paused to hear the fluttery heartbeat some more. _Thanks for showing your mom that you’re okay._

The synchronised rhythmic heartbeats were more than enough to tip her into sleep, if she allowed them. She took a few more moments to marvel at the experience, then took a deep breath and let herself get carried away.

\---

Gentle whispers gradually filtered through Dina’s consciousness. The feeling of pressure in her ears was gone, so Dina figured that Ellie had removed the stethoscope headset at some point of another.

She opened her eyes a fraction and did a lazy sweep of her room. Just at that moment, there was a pause in the quiet murmuring sounds that had woken her up, briefly replaced by a low chuckle.

It came from right in front of her, so Dina’s eyes swung forward to zero in on the sound.

Ellie was still lying across the bed on her stomach, but had shifted down so she was in line with Dina’s belly. As Dina watched, Ellie craned her neck to press a gentle kiss against the swell before dropping her chin back onto her hands.

“I know your mama wants me to stop saying this, but she doesn’t have to know,” Ellie said quietly. “I’m really...I’m really sorry about what happened.”

Dina watched Ellie swipe at the tears gathering at the corners of her eyes. “I was so fucking scared for her, and for you.”

Ellie lightly nuzzled Dina’s belly, seemingly ignoring her nose’s injured state. “I…” Ellie’s breath hitched, and she started again in an even quieter voice. “I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise.”

Dina would have happily continued to eavesdrop on Ellie’s tender conversation, but just then, her stomach betrayed her with a loud rumble.

Ellie’s head whipped around and caught Dina watching her.

“Sorry,” Dina said with a sheepish smile.

“Now who’s apologising unnecessarily?” Ellie replied, slightly poking her tongue out between her teeth. “Hungry?”

Dina nodded and went to get up, but was stopped by a hand on her hip. 

“ _Bed rest,_ ” Ellie said firmly as she got out of bed herself. “Stay here, I’ll get food.” Ellie headed towards the door, then turned around briefly. “Oh and I’ll do the washing too so we’ll have sheets tonight.”

Dina smiled. “Thanks. Your flannel’s in the bathroom sink if you wanted to take that downstairs as well.”

Ellie blinked, nodded her appreciation, then left the room.

\---

Dina’s internal clock was completely thrown off by her intermittent naps, but she knew it was fairly late in the morning by the sound of more hoofbeats outside her window.

The ones she heard earlier were most likely from the pair assigned to the Hoback Pass route — it was the shortest patrol run by far, as it only involved checking the old schoolhouse slightly north of Jackson, then using an abandoned water tower as a scout point to survey the surrounding area before coming back. It was usually the first route that new patrollers got sent on, as infected sightings were fairly uncommon, and they weren’t far from Jackson if they ran into trouble.

The hoofbeats that Dina was hearing now were probably patrollers returning from one of the valley routes. They generally took a few hours, but were often the most action-packed of all the patrol runs. Those trails went through several abandoned neighbourhoods and malls where infected tended to lurk, so whoever got assigned to them generally got a scoped rifle and plenty of ammo.

That meant there were still a couple of hours until the patrollers on the creek and bay trails were due. Those routes were by far Dina’s favourite, as there was always plenty of time to chat with her patrol partner while enjoying the fresh air.

Before, she would have been hard-pressed to pick between the two, as they both had lookouts with spectacular views. But, of course, her last run of the creek trail with Ellie nudged it into the top of her mental ranking.

That is, until Dina reminded herself of what else had happened on that fateful day. She twisted her lips together and swallowed as she recalled how they had split up to look for Tommy and Joel.

How she spent almost an hour searching fruitlessly before meeting back up with Jesse.

How they eventually found Shimmer’s tracks, which led them to the Baldwins’ place.

How she found a way in through an open garage door and was immediately hit with the smell of blood.

How she found Tommy moaning on the ground, sobbing in anguish over his brother’s body.

How time stood still when Dina found Ellie a few paces away, her face bruised and bloodied, and it wasn’t immediately obvious whether she was breathing or not…

Dina herself took a deep breath to calm her nerves.

 _I’m okay, I’m safe_ , she said to herself, much like she had murmured to Ellie earlier.

 _Ellie’s okay and she’s safe,_ she added for good measure.

Dina smoothed her hands over her belly. _We’re all safe._

Dina looked up at the sound of a floorboard creaking. Ellie was standing at the doorway, holding a wooden tray and watching Dina’s hands with a raised eyebrow.

“I know you’re hungry, but let’s not jump straight to eating the baby, shall we?” Ellie said as she entered the room.

The cheeky comment was enough to banish the dark thoughts from Dina’s mind.

“Phew, you came just in time,” Dina said, sitting up as Ellie set the tray down on the bed. “What have you got for me?”

Ellie kneeled on the bed and proudly lifted the dish towel covering the tray. “Brunch.”

“Uh, what?” Dina asked as she surveyed the unveiled food.

Ellie had made good use of the goods they had picked up from the market the day before: there were two bread rolls smeared generously with strawberry jam, which were sitting next to a bowl of cut-up fruit, a plate with several strips of beef jerky, and two glasses of freshly-squeezed orange juice.

There were also a few sprigs of wildflowers lying along the side of the tray. Dina recognised them as the same sort that grew in patches around her backyard — she smiled at the thought of Ellie picking them for her as she hung out their washing.

However, Dina could identify everything in front of her, so she had no idea what this ‘brunch’ was that Ellie was referring to.

“It’s too late for breakfast, but too early for lunch.” Ellie waved her hands over the food. “So, I give you...brunch.”

Dina blinked. “That isn’t a thing.”

“It _wasn’t_ a thing,” Ellie corrected, holding up her finger to emphasise her words. “Now that I’ve invented it, it is _totally_ a thing.”

Dina rolled her eyes and reached for a bread roll, but Ellie blocked her with her hand.

“Only people that believe in brunch get to eat brunch,” Ellie said with a cheeky smile.

Dina tried to maneuver her hand around the defence, but Ellie blocked her again.

“You’re the worst,” Dina groaned, but was secretly delighted with how much Ellie’s mood had improved already. “Can you please let me eat my…” she paused to shudder dramatically, “ _brunch_?”

Ellie reached for the bread this time and pressed it into Dina’s hands. “Of course you can, babe.”

They ate in companionable silence, with Dina devouring the bread and jerky first while Ellie started with her glass of juice. When Ellie next took a bite out of her own bread roll, Dina smiled at the dollop of jam stuck at the corner of her mouth.

“You eat like a fucking toddler,” Dina said as she lifted her hand up to wipe it away.

However, Ellie leant back, out of her reach. “Sorry for giving you the opportunity to practice before the real thing,” she said lightly as she placed her bread roll back on the tray.

Dina rolled her eyes and slid the tray down the bed so it wasn’t sitting between them, then rocked herself forward. She supported her weight with her hands, which were pressed into the mattress on either side of Ellie’s hips.

“Hey,” Dina said softly, her face now only inches away from Ellie’s.

“Hey yourself,” Ellie replied in a whisper.

“Is this okay?”

Ellie nodded, so Dina leaned in and slowly licked the jam from the corner of her mouth. Ellie shivered, then turned her head so she could capture Dina’s lips with her own.

Dina sighed into the kiss. It wasn’t their best by any means — although it mostly tasted like brunch, neither of them had cleaned their teeth since the day before, and there was an underlying sourness to their breath. Plus, the positioning was awkward as shit, with Dina having to kink her neck back to get the angle right for their lips to meet.

Still, as far as Dina was concerned, there was nothing else in the world that she’d rather be doing than kissing the woman in front of her.

Ellie was the first to move away, leaving her mouth open to pant slightly after their lips separated. “Fuck,” she breathed, “I never thought about how much my nose is involved in that.”

Dina smiled and cuddled up against Ellie, who took the hint and scooted back so she could lean them up against the headboard.

“I love you,” Dina said simply, brushing a light kiss against Ellie’s collarbone.

“I love you too.”

\---

They stayed snuggled together in bed, alternating feeding each other pieces of fruit until the bowl was empty. Dina was about to suggest yet another nap when a sharp buzzing noise cut through the peaceful silence.

Dina glared at the radio she had left on her bedside table for rudely reminding her that the outside world existed, but stayed quiet so they could listen to the crackly voice.

“Aaron here. I repeat, Aaron from the stables. Is Anne around?”

Dina rolled out of Ellie’s arms and grabbed the radio, familiarising herself with the location of the transmission button before holding it down. “Hey Aaron, it’s Dina,” she said, releasing the button and indicating for quiet as Ellie raised an eyebrow at her.

“Dina?” Aaron asked, his thick southern accent stretching the ‘i’ so much it effectively doubled the time taken to say her name. “I didn’t know you had a radio.”

“I don’t. We had a situation here — had to borrow Anne’s one for a bit,” Dina explained briefly.

The radio was silent in her hands for a moment before Aaron replied. “Well alrighty then. I’ve got two patties here who just got back from the bay route after a dust-up with some infected. It’s nothing too serious, but I’m sending them to med. If anyone receiving this is close and can give the doc a head’s up, I’d appreciate it.”

Dina was about to say a quick goodbye to Aaron when a different voice came out of the radio.

“Dina?” The voice was tinny, but it was unmistakably Maria’s. “What are you doing with a radio? Over.”

Dina blinked. She had been about to respond with the same explanation that she had given Aaron, but was thrown off by the strange ending of Maria's question. “...Over what?”

There was a hiss of silence before Maria spoke again. “No, like ‘over’ meaning I’ve finished speaking, over.”

Dina frowned in confusion. “Oh um...it’s okay, I don’t think you were speaking over anyone.”

“Oh fer Christ’s...when you finish transmitting your message, you’re meant to say ‘over’, over.”

“Okay sorry, I didn’t know.” She released the button for a moment before quickly pressing it again. “Over over.”

“Just one…” Maria’s sigh came across as a burst of static. “Great, thank you Dina, over.”

Dina’s cheeks coloured. Despite living in Jackson for over five years, she was still easily intimidated by its leader. She didn’t really understand what she had said wrong, but Maria was clearly displeased with her.

Suddenly, Dina heard a snort coming from the other end of the bed. She looked up, surprised to see that Ellie was hiding a smile behind her hand.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. Can I?”

Dina reached out and dropped the radio into Ellie’s waiting hand. Ellie raised her eyebrows cheekily before pressing the button. “Sorry Maria, over over.”

“Is that Ellie? Why do _you_ have a radio too?!”

Ellie bit her tongue between her teeth as she pointedly held her finger off the button. After a moment of silence, the background hum of static was cut off as someone started to transmit again.

“...over,” came Maria’s glowering voice.

Ellie promptly held the button down to respond. “Same radio, we’ve borrowed Anne’s for the day. Oh, and Dina was speaking for me as well, hence the ‘over over’.” The second she released the button, she let out a snicker.

“That’s not how...I swear to God Ellie, I haven’t known a second’s peace in the five years since you got here, over.”

Before Ellie could reply, a new voice joined in. “This is Franklin from the south gate. Don’t sweat it you two — Maria’s the only one who’s good with radio etiquette. Although, I do like this recent change. Perhaps I can get back into the habit again.” Dina could practically hear the smile in his voice as he cheerily ended his transmission: “Over over.”

Ellie gave Dina a smirk.

“Lord help me—” it was Maria again, “—is there a single person with an ounce of respect for the co-founder of this ungrateful town?” Her exasperated voice was punctuated by the sounds of what Dina could only assume was a forehead lightly hitting a desk. “Aaron, you still there? _Over._ ”

“This ungrateful townsperson is hearin’ ya loud and clear, co-founder.” There was the sound of laughter in the background. “Actually, the whole stable is thoroughly enjoying this, just so you know. Over over.”

“Wonderful, over.”

More laughter from the stables. “Anyway Maria, did you hear my message? Over over.”

Another sigh from Maria. “Would that be the _one_ transmission with _actually_ important information that _should_ be communicated to vital parts of the town? Yes Aaron, I did.” There was a brief pause as the sound of a door opening and closing came through the radio. “I’m heading to the clinic now to let Anne know. Dina-slash-Ellie, since you two seem to be joined at the hip — please return her radio when you can. Maybe then we can get back to using this frequency for _important messages only_ , over.”

“Aaron again. The two patties said they found something that you might be interested in...and well, you know me: as nosy as they come. I’m heading to the clinic with them. Over over.”

Maria sighed one more time. “Okay, see you soon. Maria, over and out.”

“Aaron, over and out.”

“Franklin, over and out.”

“Dina-slash-Ellie, over over and out out,” Ellie said into the radio with a smile, before releasing the button for the last time.

“You’re such a little shit,” Dina said, lightly headbutting Ellie’s shoulder to make sure it came across as a joke. Ellie’s mood was miles better compared to how she was in the morning, but Dina didn’t want her to slide back after so much progress.

“That was fun.” Ellie tapped the radio against her palm. “What do you reckon we have to do to get our hands on one of these things permanently?”

Dina tugged at her lower lip with her teeth. Ellie _knew_ what owning a radio meant. The radio chain was reserved for the most important people in the settlement. For people who had worked up to the top rank of their area. In short, for people who were planning on living in Jackson for a long time.

_Has Ellie forgotten about the farm?_

Still, Ellie was looking at her with a smile, and Dina didn’t want to deviate from the lighthearted conversation just yet. “Not antagonising one of the most important people in town would probably be a good start.”

“I’m her niece. Shenanigans are part of the deal.”

“Is Maria aware of this deal?”

“Oh yeah. We signed a contract and everything.”

“Sure.”

Just then, the radio crackled to life again. It was Beatrice, the head of farming, delivering the daily rotation report.

It wasn’t anything relevant for them, so Dina took the radio out of Ellie’s hands, turned the unit’s volume dial down all the way to shut it off, then returned it to her bedside table.

“I don’t see why you would want one, honestly. It must be annoying to get interrupted all the time,” Dina said, trying to casually gauge where Ellie was going with her earlier comment. She didn’t miss the way that Ellie’s breath hitched in response.

_Fuck, maybe Ellie really is reconsidering our plan._

Dina pursed her lips, wondering if she should bring up the farm. 

“What’s the range like on them?”

It wasn’t the question that Dina was expecting, but it seemed innocent enough. She relaxed slightly. “Only about a mile. The handhelds that I’ve managed to fix for Maria are pretty basic — that’s why they all have to stay in town.”

Dina fiddled with the edge of the blanket. “I know that Eugene had grand plans for a few tabletop units. Like, fix them all, then set one up here with Maria and get the rest out to powered patrol stations and the dam. The mountains are pretty limiting, but he guessed he could cover a good ten miles with a decent antenna. But...he didn’t have much time to work on them before...you know...”

Ellie slipped her hand into Dina’s and gave it a consoling squeeze. She was quiet for a few moments before she spoke again. “Do you think _you_ could fix one? You did alright with that one back at the theatre.”

“That was just me fucking around with the antenna for a couple of minutes. Eugene’s stuff is more like rebuilding from the ground up.” Dina scratched her head, considering. “It would probably take me forever, but...maybe? Why?”

“I was thinking about the farm…”

Dina’s face fell.

_Shit, here we go._

“Hey what’s wrong?” Ellie asked, her face suddenly full of concern.

Dina dropped her gaze, looking instead at their linked hands. After a moment, she pulled her hands out of Ellie’s grasp, but kept her head bowed. “You don’t want to do it anymore.”

“Wait, what?”

To Dina’s surprise, Ellie sounded genuinely confused. Dina looked up at her carefully. “You don’t want to leave Jackson.”

“That’s not—”

“I mean it’s okay, I shouldn’t have pushed you to do something that you don’t want to do.”

“But I—” 

“Shit, I asked you about it right after we fucked. That wasn’t fair, you probably weren’t thinking straight and—”

“Dina!”

The exclamation took Dina by surprise. Her cheeks coloured and she quickly closed her mouth.

Wordlessly, Ellie reached for Dina’s hand. “You know what I love about you?” She paused. “How you let me finish my sentences.”

Dina blinked. “Sorry,” she said briefly, then firmly shut her mouth again.

“Do _we_ need to start talking to each other like we’re using a radio?” Ellie asked with a raised eyebrow. Dina responded with her best apologetic smile.

Ellie looked down and started playing with Dina’s fingers. “Anyway, I was asking about a radio _because_ of the farm,” she started slowly, “which we are _definitely_ still doing.”

Dina internally sighed in relief.

“I just don’t know if you want to go full _‘Little House on the Prairie’_ with it or not,” Ellie continued with a light chuckle. “I’ll miss my video games and like, lightbulbs and shit, but I dunno...it might be good to have some way to communicate with Jackson if we need to…”

Dina didn’t miss the way Ellie glanced at her belly. Her face softened. “You scare the shit out of me sometimes, you know?”

Ellie pressed her lips together. “I don’t mean to,” she said softly.

Dina scooted closer to Ellie, who raised her arms and pulled Dina into a gentle embrace. Dina settled her back against Ellie’s front, ducking her head down to press a light kiss at the point where Ellie’s arms crossed over her chest.

“Sorry for jumping to conclusions,” Dina muttered, swallowing as Ellie pressed a kiss against her temple in response. “Of course I can try to fix up a couple of the radios.”

“I’d like that.”

“Not sure how Maria would feel about you having a direct line to her though,” Dina mused.

“Oh, she’ll _love_ that,” Ellie said with a chuckle.

They went quiet again. Ellie started tracing light patterns on Dina’s arms, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind her.

Eventually, Dina tilted her head back to look at Ellie. “Can I tell Robin and Samuel tonight? About what we’re planning to do?”

Dina felt Ellie shift slightly behind her.

“That’s up to you. How do you think they’ll take it?”

Dina hummed. “I’m not sure. It’s not like we need their permission, I guess. It’s more of a heads up than anything else.”

“Maybe you can give them a radio too.”

“Ellie, radios don’t grow on trees,” Dina chided lightly. “Two will already be hard enough.”

Dina felt a rumble in Ellie’s chest as she chuckled. “Man, how good would a radio tree be though?” She was quiet for a moment, then breathed in sharply. “Hey Dina?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s a tree’s favourite radio station?”

Dina prepared herself for what was surely going to be a horrendous joke. “I have no idea Ellie. What _is_ a tree’s favourite radio station?”

“The one that plays all the _poplar_ music.”

Dina groaned. “That was bad.”

“Hey! Be kind, it’s an Ellie original.”

“Okay fine. That was _terrible_.”

Ellie lightly headbutted the back of Dina’s head. “I am _so_ going to use the radios to workshop these with Maria.”

“Does that contract of yours have a ‘no strangulation’ clause?”

“Uh, duh. What is this, amateur hour?”

Dina laughed lightly, then turned in Ellie’s arms so she could rest her head on Ellie’s chest. “We still have a couple of hours until we need to get ready for dinner.” She let out an exaggerated yawn to preface her next sentence. “I’m tired, so I’m going to have a nap.”

“You’ve been sleeping all day, lazybones,” Ellie commented as she gently poked Dina in the ribs.

Dina responded with a squeak and raised her hand to bat Ellie’s fingers away. She kept her hand raised so she could point at herself. “Do you think that a face like this just _happens_?” she asked with a pout. “Mama needs her beauty sleep.”

Ellie held her closer. “Alright mama,” she whispered into Dina’s ear, “get some sleep. I’ll be right here.”

Dina smiled and snuggled into Ellie’s embrace, her eyes fluttering closed shortly after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are you all doing? I know that last chapter was a lot. 
> 
> Narrative-wise, I realise that it might have made more sense for this chapter to be the first time that Dina brings up moving to the farmhouse, as it might seem like she has a lot more ‘bargaining power’ at her disposal. But mutual trust and respect is such an important part of their relationship, and I didn’t want it to feel like Dina was exploiting/taking advantage of Ellie’s vulnerable state to propose the idea. A few chapters back, they were on much more equal standings, so that’s where it felt most right for them to have that first conversation.
> 
> By the way, I have started another job and also returned to my studies, so updates for this story are going to start being less frequent. But I didn’t want to leave you hanging with the previous chapter, so I really pushed myself to write this one before life resumed its craziness.


	11. Reconnaissance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I accidentally swapped around the names of the patrol routes in the last chapter. I fixed it now, so *hand waves* you saw nothing.

“Oh uh...thanks for doing the dishes.”

Ellie gave a small smile as Dina joined her. After Dina had woken from her nap, she had followed Ellie downstairs to the kitchen. It was the first time she had ventured beyond the second floor of her home since the accident.

Dina had been fully prepared to help Ellie tackle the dirty dishes that had accumulated over the past couple of days, so she was surprised to find the sink cleared out. Ellie must have washed them earlier while she was doing their laundry and preparing food.

Ellie dealt with the few new dirty dishes from brunch with ease, then turned to face Dina. “You can thank me by finding something to hold these,” she said, reaching for the wooden tray and picking up the wildflowers that had served as decoration alongside their meal.

“What? Something to hold those weeds?” Dina asked absent-mindedly, smiling as she opened her pantry.

“Says who?” Dina heard Ellie ask from behind her. 

Dina spotted a recently emptied pickle jar on the top shelf. She grabbed it and moved to the sink to fill it halfway with water. Then, she joined Ellie where she was leaning against the opposite counter. “Says who about what?” she asked, lightly nudging the side of Ellie’s foot with her own.

“It’s something that I never got,” Ellie said as she placed the flowers in the jar. “Who gets to say whether something is a weed or not?”

Ellie took her time adjusting the flowers until they were all angled out in different directions. Then, she took a deep breath and let out a long sigh.

“Back in Boston…”

Ellie had a particular way of speaking when she recounted a story from her memory. Her voice adopted a certain halting lilt, with sentences starting and stopping halfway through with no rhyme or reason. Judging by the clouded-over look in Ellie’s eyes, she was about to share one such story with Dina.

“In boarding school...yard duty was the fucking worst.”

Ellie gently took the jar out of Dina’s hands. She held it up so that the sunlight streaming in from the window above the sink reflected off the glass, then tilted the jar slightly and watched the rainbows bounce around the kitchen.

“Some of the supervisors were alright. But this one guy…” Ellie scowled. “Chuck. Chuck the Fuck,” she added after a moment. “God, SUCH an asshole. Always yelling at me for leaving weeds behind, or for pulling out something that I wasn’t meant to.”

Ellie lowered the jar to her waist. She ran her fingernails between the thread moulded into the glass where the lid originally screwed on. Dina watched the careful movement for a few seconds before returning her gaze to Ellie’s face.

“They’re all just plants,” Ellie mumbled. She shifted the jar to her right hand, then lifted her free hand to scratch at her tattooed forearm. “Who gets to decide which ones are important and which ones we should get rid of?” Ellie raised her eyes and looked at Dina. “It’s not fair.”

Dina took her time considering Ellie’s story.

It was obvious that she wasn’t really talking about plants.

“You’re right,” Dina said carefully. “It’s all about perspective, I suppose.” She looked out of her kitchen window and watched her bedsheets lightly flutter in the afternoon breeze for a few moments. “When we’re out there...I’m with you. A plant’s a plant,” she said with a shrug. “They can live their lives...grow wherever they want…who am I to think I’d have a say in that?” 

They were silent for a while.

“But in my backyard,” Dina continued eventually, “I want there to be _some_ semblance of order. I want a place where I can relax and feel calm. So…” She returned her attention to Ellie and gave her a gentle smile, “...I can tell you this: the fuckers that grow between my pavers? _Definitely_ weeds. I trip on those bastards every single time I need to get to the clothesline,” she explained, playfully shaking her fist in the direction of her laundry.

When Dina looked back down at the flowers in Ellie’s hands, her voice softened again. “But if they’re growing somewhere nice…” She paused to brush her fingers against the light pink petals. “…or if they were picked by a person I love…” She looked up at Ellie again. “ …I guess they’ve got a certain charm to them.”

Ellie placed the jar on the counter behind them. “A person you love, you say?” she asked quietly as she moved to stand in front of Dina. She plucked a single stem from the jar and dabbed the end on her shirt to remove the excess water. Then, she tucked it behind Dina’s ear.

“Would you say that _this_ one has a certain charm to it, then?” Ellie breathed, her face only inches away from Dina’s.

Dina, who had been watching Ellie’s movements with a fond gaze, swallowed as the flower settled at the side of her cheek. “Uh...I would say so, yeah.”

The corner of Ellie’s mouth quirked up as she leant in. At first, she was so gentle that Dina could barely feel her make contact, but soon Ellie properly pressed her lips against Dina’s. Dina put her hands on the counter behind her and lent back, letting Ellie continue to lead them in the tender kiss.

Dina lost herself in Ellie’s ministrations. The pressure of Ellie’s lips was firm, but she maintained her awareness of their positions, her hand snaking around to Dina’s back to support her and stop her from having to lean further back. Her other hand roamed up and down Dina’s side, and gave her hip a gentle squeeze every time she passed it.

Eventually Ellie pulled away. Their lips separated, but she didn’t go far — she simply tilted her head so her forehead was resting on Dina’s. Their noses lightly bumped each other as they caught their breath.

“Thank you,” Dina whispered while keeping her eyes closed.

“Thank you?” Ellie echoed, humour in her voice. “I don’t think I’ve ever been thanked for a kiss before.”

Dina opened her eyes, and her cheeks flushed as she realised that she had spoken out loud.

But she didn’t regret saying it. Compared to how Ellie had been in the morning, for her to now be initiating affection with a kiss like that…well, a ‘thank you’ barely did justice to her gratitude for Ellie’s strength.

“Yeah,” Dina said, taking a moment to absorb the tender expression on Ellie’s face. “Thank you. That was definitely better than a six.”

“Not this again,” Ellie said with a smirk. But she leaned back in anyway and kissed Dina some more.

\---

After another shared shower, they started getting ready for their dinner with Jesse’s parents. So far, they were both half-dressed — Dina in a pair of loose linen pants and Ellie in her usual pair of jeans — and each were currently considering what shirt to wear.

“Have you got something in there for me too?”

Dina looked up from her dresser. Apart from the clothes she had worn to the memorial, all her new clothes from the trading store had been downstairs until Ellie had brought them up for her a few minutes ago. She had just finished putting them away in her drawers when she heard Ellie’s question.

“What was that, babe?”

Ellie stooped down, picking up the navy blue flannel that she had tossed to the floor when they had headed to the shower. “My jeans are still good, but I can’t keep alternating between the same two shirts. My red one’s still on the clothesline and, well...this is the one I wore to the memorial.”

Dina nodded her understanding before turning to her new clothes again. “It’s good that I finally have some stuff that fits you, then,” she said with a smile.

Dina knew that their taste in clothing was quite different — Ellie liked neutral-coloured garments and simple designs, compared to Dina’s preference for brightly patterned items with a more styled silhouette. Still, Dina managed to find something that she thought would suit.

“How about this?” she asked, holding out a heather grey knitted sweater. She had picked it out for herself because it had plenty of room to stretch across the midsection, but Ellie could also take advantage of that stretch to get it across her broad shoulders.

“Perfect, thanks,” Ellie said, putting on one of Dina’s old tank tops and tugging the woollen sweater over the top.

While Ellie went to inspect herself in the bathroom mirror, Dina wrestled on a bra and dressed in the top that she had set aside for herself. She lifted her arms and did a quick turn, happy with how the loose flowy material settled around her body.

But when Ellie reappeared at the doorway, she had a frown on her face.

“What, no good?” Dina asked. “I guess it’s a bit hot for wool right now. I have a _lovely_ floral number here, if you’re more in the mood for that.”

Ellie shook her head as she closed the distance between them. She picked at the sleeve of her sweater awkwardly. “Ha ha. This is fine, but um... _you_ have to change.”

“What? Why?”

Ellie waved her towards the bathroom. Dina gave her a look of confusion, but stepped out into the hallway and towards the mirror above the sink. For a moment, she couldn’t see what Ellie’s problem with the top was — it fit her form well, and it wasn’t tight around her shoulders so it wouldn’t bother her still-healing scar.

But then she stepped back to see more of herself in the mirror, and her breath caught as she saw the cause of Ellie’s frown.

The paisley-patterned top had a high waistline. The material across the chest was solid and had the design woven into it. However, below the bust, the top billowed out in several layers of sheer fabric printed with the same paisley motif. There was a slip layer underneath everything in a plain white cotton, but — whether this was the original design, or whether it had just shrunk with age and multiple washes — it was more fitted and slightly smaller than the other layers. As a consequence, when Dina raised her arms, the slip layer rode up over her belly.

Normally, Dina wouldn’t have minded. But with her current situation, it meant that the bruise was visible through the sheer layers at the bottom of the shirt.

Dina pursed her lips, then made her way back to the bedroom. “Good call,” she said to Ellie, who was sitting on the bed to tie her sneakers, before going to her dresser and replacing her top with something else with more coverage.

“Sorry,” Ellie said quietly, “it does look nice on you though. Maybe you can wear it some other time?”

Dina joined her on the bed to pull her boots on. “Yeah maybe,” she said lightly, leaning over to give Ellie a quick kiss on the cheek. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah.”

\---

They left Dina’s house with enough time to run some errands before dinner.

First, they stopped by the stables with a jar of blueberry jam, made with fruit that Dina herself had picked and preserved during the previous summer.

They found Jeremy, one of the stablehands, in the patrol station. He had a box under his arm and was changing the names on the board so they’d be ready for the next day, following a list on a piece of paper with Maria’s neat handwriting.

When someone wasn’t scheduled for a patrol, the wooden plaque with their name on it was kept in that box. Dina winced at how empty it was; there were only a few plaques that weren’t up on the board already.

“Hey,” Dina said, greeting Jeremy with a wave. As he turned around to face them, Dina got a better look at the contents of the box. The absence of Tommy and Jesse’s plaques were perhaps unsurprising, but she couldn’t see her or Ellie in there either.

“Oh uh, hi,” Jeremy said awkwardly. “Didn’t expect to see you two around here.”

Dina glanced at Ellie. She was staring at the patrol board — specifically, the Teton County plaque. It was the route that Joel and Tommy had been assigned to when they— 

“Why’s that?” Ellie asked suddenly, tearing her eyes away from the board and tearing Dina out of her thoughts. There was a slight challenge to her voice, which Dina registered with some surprise.

Jeremy shifted the box around to rest on his hip. “Didn’t you two just get back? Maria would never put you on a patrol so soon. And you, Dina, I mean...I imagine I won’t be seeing your name up here for a long time anyway.”

Dina rested a hand on Ellie’s arm. “Yeah, we got back a couple of days ago,” she answered calmly, shooting Ellie a look. In other circumstances, she might have let Jeremy know that patrols weren’t in either of their futures, but she knew they weren’t ready to announce their plans to everyone in Jackson just yet.

Instead, she just moved the conversation to the reason they were at the stables in the first place.

“We’re looking for Aaron. Is he around?”

Jeremy nodded and threw a thumb over his shoulder. Dina thanked him and they headed towards the pen connected to the stables. There, they found Aaron, guiding one of the horses on a lead rope to canter in a circle around him.

When Aaron saw them waiting by the fence, he clicked his tongue to bring the horse down to a trot, and again to bring it to a walk. He gently led the horse to the water trough at the edge of the pen, then approached them with a smile.

“Well well well, if it ain’t the next Howard Stern,” he said to Dina with a chuckle, lightly dipping his hat by way of a greeting.

Ellie and Dina exchanged a confused glance.

“Before your time, before your time,” Aaron said, waving the comment off. “Thanks for the laugh this afternoon. We should get you two on the old blower more often,” he said as he patted the radio clipped to his belt. “I assume y’all had Anne’s radio because of whatever happened this morning?”

“Yeah,” Ellie said quietly.

“You were quite a sight when you came bursting in and begging for a horse. It certainly gave the old ticker a kick-start to the day! I mean, all that blood...”

Ellie winced. “It was just a nosebleed.”

Dina could tell that Aaron was trying to casually fish for more information. But when Ellie didn’t say more, he politely switched his curious demeanor for a compassionate one.

“Right you are...you _are_ okay, right?”

“We’re fine,” Ellie said as she held out the blueberry jam.

“Um, this is to...say sorry about all of that,” Dina added after Ellie offered no explanation for the gift.

“Now now, no apology needed,” Aaron said. But Ellie continued to hold her arm out, and he eventually accepted the jar. “I’m just glad you girls are alright.”

Dina ducked her head. “Thanks Aaron, we appreciate it. How’s Sweetpea?” Her question was partly to pivot away from the awkward topic of conversation, but she was also actually curious about the gentle horse that had taken them halfway across the country. She hoped that Sweetpea wasn’t having any trouble settling into Jackson life.

“Oh she’s such a sweet _heart_ ,” Aaron replied, laughing lightly at his little joke. “Not quite cut out for patrols, I’m afraid...but I gave her a trial on the plough yesterday and she took to it like a duck to water.”

“Glad to hear it,” Dina answered with a smile.

Yet another awkward silence followed.

“Well...we should get out of your hair,” Dina said eventually.

Aaron nodded and lent against the fence. “Alright, take care.”

Dina looped her arm through Ellie’s and they made their way back through the stables. When Dina glanced over her shoulder just before they rounded the corner, she saw Aaron hold the jam jar up in farewell.

\---

Next was a visit to the clinic to drop off the rest of the things that Ellie was carrying.

“Hey, is Anne here?” Dina asked the medic who opened the door for them. She didn’t recognise him, so he was probably a newcomer to Jackson while they had been away.

He shook his head. “No, but I take it that you’re Dina and Ellie.”

Dina blinked. “Yeah, that’s us. And you are…?”

“Tommy,” the man answered with a laugh, “although I’ve learned that that’s confusing around here, so I’ve started to go by Thomas.” He stuck his hand out, which Dina shook. When he tried to do the same for Ellie, she gave an apologetic shrug and held up the radio and stethoscope in her hands.

“Ah, I think those are for me anyway. Anne had to cut her shift early — something about a migraine, I think — but she told me to keep an eye out for you and this stuff. I can take them.”

Ellie handed them over. Thomas disappeared for a moment as he took everything to the back of the clinic.

“Anything else I can do for you?” Thomas continued after he returned to the door. After both Ellie and Dina shook their head, he gave them a smile. “Alright. I’ll let Anne know you stopped by.”

\---

“We can reschedule dinner if you want.”

They were walking down Jackson’s main road. Ellie looked up at Dina with confusion. “What? Why?”

Dina bit her bottom lip. “You’re a bit…” she paused for a moment, “...grouchy.”

“Am not.”

Dina raised an eyebrow.

Ellie stuck her hands into the back pockets of her jeans.

They took a few more steps in silence.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Dina asked quietly, giving Ellie’s shoulder a light bump.

“It’s like everyone knows.”

“Knows what?”

“What happened last night.”

Dina sighed. “They don’t know what happened. Anne’s the only one who does, and she wouldn’t tell anyone. But you can’t race a horse through Jackson in the middle of the night and not expect people to wonder what the fuck was going on.”

“Oh, so it’s my fault?”

Dina hooked her arm around Ellie’s, sharply veering them off the road and down a quiet alley.

“Dina, wha—”

“Don’t do this.”

Ellie blinked. “Do what?”

Dina glanced in both directions to confirm they were alone. “This whole self-flagellation thing you’ve been doing since we got here. I’m a patient woman, Ellie. I can keep telling you that all of this isn’t your fault for _much_ longer than you can keep blaming yourself for everything.”

Ellie dropped her gaze. “Things were meant to get better when we got back. They’re worse,” she mumbled as she stared at her shoes.

“I respectfully disagree.”

Ellie looked up. “Oh you do, do you?” The challenging tone in her voice was back. “You like getting _respectfully_ kneed in the fucking gut?”

“I hurt you too. Do you think I didn’t feel guilty about that as well?”

“That was an accident.”

“ _Exactly._ I’ve accepted that. Why can’t you do the same? Ellie, you were having a nightmare.” Dina tried to keep her voice as steady as she could, even as she could see Ellie getting more and more frustrated before her.

“That’s no excuse.”

Dina pinched the bridge of her nose, then looked down her fingers at Ellie. “I’m not talking about an excuse. I’m talking about a reason.”

“Not this again—”

“I’m serious,” Dina said, cutting her off. “You say that things are worse? Go on then, why do you think that?”

Ellie sighed and lent her back against the brick wall behind her. “Do I have to say it again? I hit you.”

“We’ve talked about this already. Don’t make me go home and get the dictionary,” Dina said evenly. “Besides, even if you _do_ reword this six ways to Sunday, it won’t change the fact that none of that was your fault.” She pointed a finger at herself. “Patient woman, remember?”

Ellie glowered at Dina. “Fine fucking line between patient and stubborn...”

Dina ignored the grumbled comment. “Anything else?” she asked, taking the chance to step closer to Ellie. “Because if that’s the only thing that’s making you think that things are worse…”

“It’s _not_ the only fucking thing,” Ellie muttered petulantly. Her eyes darted around the alley, and Dina could practically see her running through the last couple of days in her search for a different angle. “You...you didn’t see Maria when we got back. When she saw Tommy like that...she asked us to bring him back in one piece and we couldn’t even do that.” She scoffed. “He’s probably off drinking somewhere right fucking now.”

“Tommy’s decisions are his own,” Dina replied, “but we _did_ bring him back. You towed him behind your bike for like 300 miles before we found Sweetpea. _You_ did that, Ellie. I _did_ see Maria at the gate, and the only thing she looked like to me was fucking grateful that her husband was alive.”

“Well, what about Jesse?” Ellie shot back hotly. Her voice cracked over his name, but she frowned and kept talking. “ _He_ didn’t come back. We had to tell his parents that their son fucking died and that we couldn’t even give them a body to bury.”

Dina’s heart clenched, but she kept her voice steady as she answered. “You brought them your drawing and that piece of his tree. We had a beautiful ceremony that honoured his memory. Fine, he might not be here-here—” she paused to vaguely wave at their surroundings, “—but we brought Jesse with us _in here_.” She finished by holding a hand over her heart. 

Ellie crossed her arms, but her face had softened slightly. Dina could tell that she was starting to get through to her.

“Alright, how...how about Anne? You heard that Thomas guy — she had to go home early, no-doubt because of us. My stupid ass took Jackson’s best doctor out of action.”

Dina sighed. “Ellie, she has a migraine. She’ll be back to her usual awesome self tomorrow.” She took another step closer. “Anne told me that she loves her job and her patients, even when stuff like last night happens. Do you seriously think that she would have preferred us to still be out there with no fucking idea what we were doing?”

Ellie screwed up her face, but eventually shook her head.

“You were really scraping the bottom of the barrel with that one,” Dina said in a gently chiding voice. “I think it’s my turn to tell you about all of the things that are so much _better_.” She took one more step closer, and was now within arm’s reach of Ellie. But she didn’t try to touch her just yet.

“We heard the baby’s heartbeat,” Dina started quietly as she ran her hands over her belly. “After fucking months of me worrying about this thing, I finally got some actual help from a medical professional. We got to hear that they’re doing okay.”

Ellie drew in a breath, but Dina held up her hand to keep her quiet. “Don’t you go saying some messed up shit like ‘for now’.”

When Ellie pressed her lips together but said nothing, Dina nodded and continued. “We can finally start planning the next part of our life together.” This time, she reached for Ellie and brushed their fingers together. Ellie flinched, but didn’t move away, so Dina gently took Ellie’s hand in her own. “Ellie, I am so fucking excited for this farm. Aren’t you?”

Ellie had been looking down at the linked hands, but raised her head at Dina’s question. There was the ghost of a smile on her lips. “Yeah, I am,” she said quietly, a blush forming on her cheeks.

“And on top of everything else,” Dina continued, the strength of her voice bolstered by Ellie’s response, “we finally got to have a fucking shower!”

Dina lifted her arms to the sky and spun around with a laugh. When she eventually stopped, the grin remained on her face when she saw that Ellie had been watching her with a smile of her own.

“You’re so weird,” Ellie said as she pushed off the wall behind her. This time, she was the one to reach for Dina’s hand. “I _guess_ that some things are better now,” she added with a conceding sigh.

Dina lifted Ellie’s hands to her hips, encouraging Ellie to join her fingers behind her back before she draped her own arms over Ellie’s shoulders.

It was almost a perfect recreation of their positions at the winter dance — although, of course, this time they couldn’t get as close to each other due to Dina’s baby bump. She made up for the distance by leaning in and nuzzling Ellie’s neck.

“Weird, perhaps. But you can’t deny that I smell better now,” Dina murmured. Ellie snorted above her, and she could feel the light puff of air on the crown of her head. Dina rested her chin on Ellie’s shoulder and considered the wall behind them. “Things _are_ better, Ellie. And they’re just going to keep getting better from now on. I promise.”

“How can you just do that?”

“Do what?”

“Make these big fucking promises. What if something goes wrong?”

Dina shrugged. “Whatever happens, we’ll be together. I don’t know about you, but...” she pressed a gentle kiss into the crook of Ellie’s neck, “...to me, that already sounds so much better.” She pulled her head back slightly so she could look into Ellie’s eyes. “It’s all about perspective.”


	12. Play/grounded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realise that these last few chapters have featured multiple breakdowns/D&Ms in various locations around Jackson, but that’s struggling to deal with trauma, baby!

Somehow, they ended up at the playground. It was empty, with all the kids of Jackson either at the nearby school or already home for the evening.

Dina was sitting at the bottom of the slide. When she kicked out her heels she barely made a dent in the dirt, as hundreds of tiny feet hitting the ground over the years had heavily compacted it already.

Dina heard a low creak. She stretched out on the cool surface behind her and tilted her head up.

“Remember the last time we were here?”

Ellie gave her a gentle smile from the top of the wooden structure. She sat down at the top of the slide, facing away from Dina, then slowly lay back until she was lying flat on the slide. Their faces were in line with each other, only Ellie’s was upside-down.

“Yeah, we fucking annihilated Alex and those other kids,” Ellie said with a chuckle. Her cheeks took on a pink tint as more blood started to flow to her head.

Dina grinned. “ _We?_ I’m pretty sure _I_ carried the team.” She scooted closer to Ellie. “You were too busy being all flustered over our kiss.”

“Yeah right! I’m like the...multitasking master.”

“Uh huh.”

“Next winter. Rematch.”

Dina twisted her lips together. It was hard to believe that their snowball fight had only happened a few months ago. It felt more like a lifetime had passed since that carefree morning.

“Did you know?”

Dina blinked. “Know what?”

“At the dance.” Ellie tilted her head to one side. “Had you planned on kissing me?” She tilted her head to the other side. “Or was it just a spur-of-the-moment thing?”

Ellie’s movements against the slide caused a build-up of static electricity, and the parts of her hair that weren’t pulled back into her usual half-bun started floating out from her scalp.

Dina smiled. “I dunno,” she said with a light shrug, “what do you think?”

“I have no idea. That’s why I’m asking you.”

Let me put it this way,” Dina said with a smirk. “When I dragged your oblivious ass out onto that dance floor…” she paused to raise a finger, “...I was already hoping that some _sparks_ would fly.”

As Dina was speaking, she reached out and tapped Ellie’s lips with her finger, grinning with delight when a small arc of charge zapped between the two points of contact.

“Fuck!” Ellie yelled, twisting her torso away and rubbing at her lips with her knuckles. “What the hell was that?!”

Dina laughed at Ellie’s sour expression. She sat up straight, kicked off one of her boots and peeled off her sock. She pressed her foot to the ground then returned to her earlier reclined position.

“Here,” Dina said as she offered her hand up to Ellie.

Ellie eyed the hand warily, but carefully grasped it. Dina nodded in satisfaction as a quick tingling sensation ran through her body and Ellie’s hair settled down.

“I’m grounding you.”

Ellie raised an eyebrow. “Are you now?”

“Mmhmm.”

Ellie looked deep into her eyes. “Thank you,” she said eventually.

Dina smiled and scooted even closer. “Anytime.”

They were so close that she could feel Ellie’s breath on her face.

“Do you remember when we watched the Spiderman movies together?”

It was Dina’s turn to raise an eyebrow, but she indulged Ellie’s abrupt change of subject. “How could I forget? You couldn’t stop strutting around Jackson and shooting finger guns at everyone for fucking weeks.”

“Everyone?” Ellie echoed with a coy smile. “Are you sure about that?”

Dina paused, considering. Her memories were so clear: on multiple occasions, when they crossed paths around Jackson while going about their respective days, Ellie would jauntily snap her fingers, flash a cocky grin, then ‘shoot’ at Dina from her hip when they got within arm’s reach of each other.

However, as clear as those memories were, Dina realised that she couldn’t recall ever seeing Ellie doing it to anyone else.

“Oh, fuck you.”

Ellie chuckled and shifted closer. “I know, I’m the worst,” she breathed, her lips ghosting against the tip of Dina’s nose. “But actually, I was thinking of a different scene.”

“Oh yeah?” Dina replied quietly, feigning uncertainty. She was ninety-nine percent sure she knew what scene Ellie was thinking of, but was also more than happy for Ellie to take the lead. Dina patiently waited for her to make the next move.

“Yeah,” Ellie replied in a voice barely louder than a whisper, “this one.” She gently moved in and captured Dina’s lips with her own.

The angles were strange to figure out on the fly. Rather than melting into the kiss, Dina found herself furrowing her brows in concentration as she tried to make it work for her. Ellie’s top lip was not as full as the lower one, and Dina found herself losing contact with it when she attempted to deepen the kiss. And — rather annoyingly — since Dina couldn’t see Ellie’s eyes, she had no way of getting feedback on whether or not the kiss was working for her either.

But after a few moments, it was clear that Ellie was having similar struggles when she tried to tilt her head, only to get clocked in the nose by Dina’s chin for her trouble.

“Fucking ow!” Ellie cursed as she pulled back with a grimace. She flared her nostrils and lightly dabbed at her upper lip with her fingers. When she pulled her hand away to check, she looked relieved that there was no blood on her fingers. “Let’s not do that again.”

Dina had pouted at the loss of contact, but hummed in agreement. “It looked a lot more romantic in the movie.”

“Wait...wasn’t it raining too?” Ellie asked, face twisting into incredulity as she remembered the detail. “All that water would have gone straight up his fucking nose.”

Dina snorted. “ _Definitely_ not romantic. Guess we can’t believe everything we see on TV, huh?”

Ellie unhooked her ankles from where they were holding her at the top of the slide and slid down until she joined Dina at the bottom. “Fucking liars, the lot of them,” she mumbled as she swung her legs to the side and stood up.

The sudden change in Ellie’s tone took Dina by surprise. By the time she had scrambled to her feet, Ellie had disappeared behind another part of the wooden play structure.

When Dina rounded the corner cautiously, gait uneven due to her not wearing one of her boots, she found Ellie at the playground’s swing set.

Ellie was too big to actually sit in the small seat, but she had rested against it anyway. Her legs were straight and she was leaning back, letting the taut chains take most of her weight. Wordlessly, Dina joined her on the other swing and mirrored her pose.

Dina was thinking about how best to break the silence when she heard a commotion coming from the building next to the playground. There was the sound of a trash can crashing to the ground, followed by an angry yowl. Dina whipped her head around in time to see a couple of the stray cats that lived around Jackson shoot out from behind the fence.

They were engaged in what seemed to be a lively chase: the one in front was gripping a hefty piece of offcut meat between its teeth, while the one in pursuit was hissing and howling in frustration.

Dina watched in amusement as the cats darted around the playground. At first, it looked like the first cat had found a winning strategy by darting up the rock climbing hand-holds to reach the top of the wooden structure. But then, the other cat simply bolted straight up the slide.

The resulting tussle was hidden behind the wooden panelling, but eventually both cats reappeared, with the meat having changed owners at some point during the fight. The new champion gave one final hiss at its nemesis, then started scurrying away with its prize.

Dina smiled, lost in her memories of a different duo of mischievous cats. “They just need someone to show them a bit of mercy,” she said under her breath.

“What?”

“Nothing, don’t worry,” Dina said louder, turning to look at Ellie. “Never a dull moment around here, huh?”

Ellie snorted in response. Her eyes stayed trained on the cats until both of them disappeared from view.

They were quiet for a while, gently shifting their weight on each leg so they swayed from side to side. Even when they both swung towards the middle, there was still too much distance between them to touch.

“When will it stop?”

Ellie asked the question so quietly that it took Dina a moment to register that she had spoken at all. Considering the number of things Ellie could have been asking about, Dina figured it was best to wait for Ellie to say more.

Which she did, thankfully, after a few more moments of silence. “I—” Ellie’s breath caught in her throat. She swallowed and started again. “I work so fucking hard to feel good for a bit, then…” Ellie sighed, “...I don’t.” She stopped swaying and turned her head to look at Dina. “When will it stop?” she repeated in a small voice.

Dina knew that Ellie wasn’t really asking because she thought that Dina had an answer for her. Still, her heart twisted at how lost Ellie looked.

Dina took a deep breath and stood up, leaving the seat behind her to swing freely as she moved to stand in front of Ellie. She moved her feet apart and carefully sidled them up to Ellie on either side of her legs. Ellie’s angled stance meant that Dina was slightly taller than her when she got as close as she could.

“I wish I knew,” Dina breathed. Her hands ghosted above Ellie’s thighs, unsure if she’d be receptive to physical contact at the moment. “Maybe when we go to the farm?” She winced at how uncertain she sounded.

Ellie sighed and absent-mindedly pressed her fingers into the chain links that were holding the swing up. “Yeah, maybe,” she said eventually, not even managing to match the paltry confidence of Dina’s voice.

“It _will_ stop though, El,” Dina tried again, breathing an internal sigh of relief that she sounded a bit more sure this time. “It...it has to.”

“Says who?”

“Says me,” Dina said firmly. She reached up and wrapped her hands around the swing’s chains, just above where Ellie was holding, then leaned down so she was directly in Ellie’s eyeline. After a few seconds of silence, she felt Ellie stretch her arms up and cover Dina’s hands with her own. Permission to touch granted, Dina tilted her head so their foreheads were touching.

“You don’t deserve to feel like this…”

Ellie just shook her head solemnly.

“Ellie…” Dina murmured, gently nuzzling Ellie’s nose with her own. She paused for a moment. “You...you deserve to be happy.”

“I deserve a lot of things. Not sure ‘being happy’ is one of them,” Ellie mumbled.

“You deserve it more than anyone I know.”

“You must not know a lot of people then.”

Dina sighed and let go of the chain, moving her hands to Ellie’s hips instead. “Even if I knew every single person in the universe, it would still be true.”

Ellie exhaled and dropped her head to rest against Dina’s chest. “I wish I could believe you.”

“I wish you could too.”

Dina frowned. It was a deeply unsatisfying response, but she didn’t know what else to say. She could lead Ellie to the most spectacular stretch of water in all of Wyoming, and it would still be up to her stubborn horse of a girlfriend to decide whether to take a drink.

“We’ll get through it together, okay?” Dina offered eventually. “I promise.”

Ellie sighed and pulled her feet back so she could stand up. “There you go making another one of those promises.”

Dina tugged on Ellie’s waist to bring her closer. Height advantage now gone, she ended up nestling her face into the crook of Ellie’s neck.

“I promised that things were going to get better,” Dina said, pausing to press kisses onto Ellie’s collarbone, “and they will. You just have to give it some time, El.”

“How much time?”

Dina snorted. “How long is a piece of string?”

“That is profoundly unhelpful.”

“So is trying to guess when you’ll feel okay. You can’t know. One day, it’ll just...happen.”

Dina hesitated for a moment, but then continued. “I’m not telling you this because I want to make everything about me, but...today’s the day that Talia died.”

Dina heard a sharp intake of breath above her.

“Shit, Di. Why didn’t you say something?” Ellie asked in a small voice. She awkwardly brought her arms up around Dina’s shoulders, settling them around her in a gentle hug.

We weren’t really keeping track of dates on the way home,” Dina said, shrugging within Ellie’s embrace. “I must have seen today’s date on the patrol board, but I didn’t really put two and two together until we saw those cats. They...they reminded me of her.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, El.” Dina tilted her body back so she could look into Ellie’s eyes. “And that’s what I mean: I’m okay. It took me a long fucking time, and I’m not _over_ what happened to her, but…” Dina took a deep breath, “...I’m _okay_ with it. And you will be too.”

Ellie pressed her lips together. “So I’ve only got, what? Eight years of this to go?”

Dina rolled her eyes. “Back then, I didn’t have you. You _have_ got me for this. I can help.”

“I don’t need—”

“Yes you do.”

“I don’t deserve—”

“Yes you do.”

Ellie sighed. “Fuck. You’re not going to let up, are you?”

“Nope,” Dina replied simply, pulling her lips into her mouth so she could really pop the ‘p’. She pointed at herself. “Fine line between patient and stubborn, remember?”

“I do remember,” Ellie said quietly, dropping her shoulders and letting out a quiet chuckle. “You’re the worst.”

“You love it.”

Ellie sighed again. “I do.” She bent down and captured Dina’s lips in a gentle kiss.

Dina melted into the tender gesture initiated by the girl before her. Because Ellie was exactly that: just a girl. The furthest thing possible from a threat.

Dina couldn’t help but firmly press her bare foot into the dirt. In that moment, in the midst of their embrace while standing in a sun-dappled playground, Dina made a promise.

It was far from the most romantic promise, but it was definitely the most honest.

No matter what, she was going to do right by Ellie.

She was going to help her.

She was going to ground her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting this one. This new job’s been crazy, but I’m glad I was finally able to get this chapter out :)
> 
> I’m taking a short hiatus in order to write for the upcoming [ elliedina week](https://elliedina-week.tumblr.com/post/642957307411677185/were-so-excited-about-the-response-we-got-which) happening on March 1-7. Follow me on Tumblr at [yourcandleonthewater](https://yourcandleonthewater.tumblr.com/) to read what I come up with, and you should also check out [the event tag](https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/elliedina+week?sort=recent) throughout that week to see awesome content from everyone participating.
> 
> See you here after March 7th!


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